Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

An overdraft isn’t the answer for daily spending regularly though is it.

You keep referring to a £100 shop as a weekend shop when realistically it's more likely to have been a weekly shop. Over £500 for the month is a fair amount when a big shop has already been done and petrol and playgroup paid for.

@Werweisswohin of course it’s reasonable. She’s an adult. She should have joint access to all family money and be trusted to spend what can be afforded within that. She does not need to be set a budget. That’s so insulting and patronising. If you can’t see that and that’s how you live then trust me, your marriage is not great either.
Not being set a budget does not mean financial irresponsibility. It just means adults can make their own decisions and know how to spend within their available funds.

Again, it's normal to set a budget.

He doesn’t have £1k disposable income though.
At a minimum he has paid
£470 for the set bills
£150 childcare
£500 to OP
£100 food shop
£50 petrol
That leaves £830
clearly he’s going to need to do another food shop and probably another petrol top up so potentially another £150
So down to £680
Where does the money for holidays come from? Christmas? Car mot? Car repairs?
unexpected maintenance?

This is the only month he has said they need to limit spending. Projecting this month forward based on the last 3 weeks and the food, petrol and kids activities would likely hit over £1100. That’s fine for some people but it’s extortionate on a £2100 income. It very quickly leaves no wiggle room for anything unexpected.

What do I think she should do? Maybe ignore people who have been drip fed the patriarchal BS all their lives, and cannot recognise it for what it is. We are all victims of it, and if you think you are not, then you most certainly are.

Criticising another woman's decisions as they are not the same as the ones you have made, is not female empowerment. Lifting another woman up, showing empathy, supporting her with good information so she can make her own choices, will empower her.

@Werweisswohin again. Normal for you in your life perhaps. Not me and not my marriage. The money comes in. We both have access. Thats it. I don’t tell him what to spend and he doesn’t tell me. That’s normal among my wide reaching friends and family over several countries. Being given a budget like a child being given pocket money is not.

You don't seem to understand what the term budget means.

I would say it’s quite clear she does need a budget. She was use to spending DHs money for 4 years before they had their first child, even though she was working herself too.

Now she’s gone through £500 + child benefits + however much overdraft and thinks DH should go into his overdraft so she can have more money. That doesn’t sound like someone who is good at budgeting.

Are you actually separating?

You need to have three proper conversations.

1.You need to sit down and have an actual conversation about the future of your relationship.

2.You also need to do an actual budget of everything which you spend and agree the budget for everything, presents, food etc

3.You need to talk about whether you both still agree to you not working and therefore all money has to be family money. If it isn't family money, then you need to get a job

Some extremely creative writing on this thread 👏🏼

Indeed.
All sorts of random made up stuff.

@PixieLaLar so what if she spent joint funds while earning her own. It’s joint. She’s married, why do women on here feel the need to criticise other women needlessly. She is not asking about her spending habits only whether it’s fair to be budgeted and not have access to money equally. Of course she should have equal access to all monies. Why do you think she should be treated like a child? Are you? £500 a month regardless of a previous shopping is nothing. To expect a family of four to survive on that is ridiculous but not the point here. The point is equal access to all money. That absolutely should happen and stop criticising her spending. It’s like the most frugal mumsnetters come out and say they could feed 4 for £2 a week so why can’t she. None of your business. You do you. Let the OP have equitable access to money as she absolutely is entitled.

On a total income of around £2K then £500 isn't unreasonable for a food and household budget. Child Benefit can cover children's clothes/activities. Partner already pays for playgroup, and he did a £100 food shop plus bought £50 of petrol this month too.

Maybe DH needs some budgeting advice to @Werweisswohin.

Did you mean too? (Typo?).
I've said all along that they need to sit down together and budget properly and realistically.

I think he's decided cutting the card up will save him a few quid! Lol

@BowlOfNoodles he will probs just end up eating super noodles 😁

@Rockyrockrock if you are still reading this (I am not, so apologies if it has been suggested) it is very common and very possible your husband and his salary has changed. (ie: he has been given a payrise you are not privvy to/bonus/inheritance you are not aware of)

People often jump to drugs/gambling/OW, but it could well be more money, not less.

No it can't because I earn my own money. So my partner could never financially abuse me because I'm not reliant on him.

Blasphemy 😂 worst brand of noodles lol

Partner does not equal husband so you are quite correct to do this. Anything else would be stupid.

Marriage is a legal, financial contract. "Partner" is equivalent to flatmate in the eyes of the law.

Apologies if by partner you meant husband. Well done for having a job.

It depends where he shopped and what he bought a £100 can easily be spent for a weekend.

It can also easily last a week (or more).

She doesn't work, she's a sahm.