Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

Me too.

I’m not entrapped so please don’t worry about me:) I own my house and it’s in my name only, earn a very decent salary and have always placed a priority on retaining autonomy and independence. I have two children and will teach them do the same, particularly my daughter.

I have no idea why you posted that article. It’s completely irrelevant😂 Of course you can be a feminist and stay at home with your kids. Feminism is concerned with equality. Right now, the OP is trapped in an unequal situation. If she wasn’t, then she could crack on with being a SAHM - no problem. As it is, she has no money so I’ve suggested a solution: get a job. I’m not telling her what to do with her thoughts, body etc. I’m suggesting she improves her situation rather than expecting a man who constantly tells her he wants a divorce to rescue her.

What do you think she should do?

He's financially abusive.

He's arbitrarily decided to cut off all your access to money, leaving you short each month, with no thought at all to whether the amount he's decided to bestow upon you actually covers the outgoings or not.

I feel either he's decided to leave you or he's just decided to ramp up the abuse now he's got you chained to the home with two little kids.

He's an arsehole. Also, financial abuse is a crime.

I think you're going to have to take steps to find a job and leave him. Do you have any family support?

I didn’t say she has treated herself. I said she has the money to.

She can’t actually say where the nearly £800 has gone appear form some top up shops at coop, £80 on clothes for a child and £20 on days out.

over a month this would be a thousand pound. Op has had access to his bank card whenever she wants for 8 years. But her youngest child is only 4. And just dipped in when she needs it. Even when she was working.

Op clearly has a quite blasé attitude to money ‘he also could go into his over draft’ and she is in hers. She doesn’t think that’s a big deal whilst also agreeing they need to save for big items like a sofa. She has had the money to get a top of Vinted if she wanted to. She has spent it elsewhere.

He did a food shop. She has done a few but describes them as tops ups at co op. It appears she isn’t really sure where the money has gone.

I think it’s far more likely they have (both) been in a cycle of over spending every month and he has had enough, because they need to save for things. I would also be surprised if it’s the first time he has mentioned it. However, I don’t think he is going the right way about things, especially if they haven’t had this conversation.

But saying she hasn’t been able to buy herself a top off Vinted or has the ability to save up £70 for something, is incorrect.

I’m surprised no one else has picked up on the part where OP said she’s being using his card for 8 years - the oldest child is only 4 and OP said she was working before being a SAHM, so why was she needing to use his money back then?

Maybe OPs just not very savvy with money - she’s spent the £500 DH sent her, along with however much child benefit she gets, has gone into her overdraft and now suggesting DH should go into his overdraft so she can have more money! No wonder he’s had enough.

Only £150 left but hadn't spent £££ during the week on day trips, snacks etc, so ultimately quite significantly better off. Every tired by the weekend so not chomping at the bit to go out on trips then either.
Only £150 made on paper but significantly more if you look at the bigger picture.

She has said where just over £600 has gone. He may have expensive eating habits. He did spend £100 on food and yet the op still had to buy food for the family to eat. It's not one way it's both ways. This thread is not about hating men or treating women like they're chained to their children. This arrangement was agreed between the two of them. He doesn't want to give her more money for essential items after he had evenings out with the lads and spent money on a ring and clothes. Did he really want to save or did he want to treat himself?

He wants another baby

@Rockyrockrock you are an adult not should all be equal. You should have access to all the money in the family, if you make a decision to spend on something for you or kids. Fine. It’s ok, you’re an adult. That’s allowed. You should not have a budget nor should you have no access to funds. I’m quite Sure you can self budget to what funds you have if you know and have access to the full amount. And so what if you do buy things for yourself. You deserve things too. This is a hideous marriage. You need out. Back to the first problem which is what to do now. You’re military which means that they get involved in their employees lives. Go see family support and tell them what’s happening. They will help you. Take care and see a lawyer. Make plans.

He did give her money for essential items and bought food and petrol on top of that.

Imho it would definitely be worth seeking some marriage counselling. The issues in the marriage seem to centre around financial management of the family. Surely these can be addressed and worked through with the help of a counsellor?

It's not realistic to say 'you should have not have a budget' - pretty much everyone has a budget.

@ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo the £800 you're going on about is in his bank account. I reckon he spent it. He was spending and buying himself goods and evenings out with his mates. I reckon hes spent more than the op knows about. While the op has been buying food and clothes for little one.

Where has £856 gone then has he spent it all is that why he's stroppy.

He can't give his wife £50 out of it to tied her over.

Savings?
Paying back overdrafts?
Debts?
OP needs to ask.

Yeah, he has done all this cause he wanted a top off Vinted and a ring.

but well done for ignoring the point of my posts that says she doesn’t have the money to treat herself. She has.

and no, she hasn’t really explained where the money has gone. A few top up shops and cheap trips don’t add up. If she put petrol in a few times at £50 a go and he did, how is she spending 10% of the household income on petrol?

and note I said that why I think it’s sounds like they are both and with money. Because they both, according to the Op, are over spending.

Maybe there's a pattern of needing 'tiding over'.

He told her he wants to save but he can't lend her £50 to help her out that's serious.

No the £800 I am talking about is money the Op had.

£500, plus child benefit for 2, plus her overdraft.

£500 is a significant amount already, especially as he's paying for other things too.

She said food shopping maybe what they like to eat is not cheap and I can see how it can add up if you have expensive tastes. Where has his £856 gone has he spent it all on himself?

@ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo do you meant the £1002 disposable income the DH has after his expenditure including the money he gives to DW for housekeeping?

£470 ish on bills and he bought food for them all to eat for the weekend or evening and petrol to get him to the shop. He has £856 for himself to do what he wants when wants. She has £500 to spend on food for all of them plus the odd trip here and there.

I forgot to add his overdraft into that.