Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

@Werweisswohin how can clothing and feeding her children be seen as wrong? Are you seriously still on about the £14 cafe and the £8 at the farm?

And YES only women have a voice in deciding what happens to their bodies. As men do of their own.

I've never been 'on about' that.
I've said that perhaps she needs to learn to budget a bit better, spread costs, and plan. Treats come only if essentials are covered. 😬

Why am I being patronising? Not at all, I am stating a fact and one that some people admit to. And I did state' some'.

@Despair1 apparently some men have no concept of the responsibilities associated with maintaining a household; I must emphasise not all . Take care

I don't think that's the op. I know what you mean. A man and woman has 7 children and he's in bed or playing playstation and not working. I have seen those families.

I wonder if there's some naivety on both parts here, in terms of how much spare money there is, how much it costs to live nowadays, and how to ssttrreettcchh money.

What if she's buying what he likes in regards to food. Some people is talking about how much they spend on food what if he's a snob and likes particular foods. On top of that have two young fussy eaters.

Another reason to sit down and discuss.

There's no reason to suspect that's the case here though.

@Blueroses99 Exactly, when DD needed to go a size up I had to replace absolutely evening and it came to around £200, this was with shopping in sales and the likes of George/F&F. £80 is actually quite low. Whichever way you look at it, £2100 per month is a low income for a family of 4, so there won't be much left over to save.

No not at all. They have their roles in making sure things run smoothly. The only thing they need to do is write down what they spend and how much.

I still can’t understand why there’s a £150 playgroup bill when the daughter could go to nursery for free! It’s all nuts on such a low income.

@Username197 How, when only a pack of mince that would give you 2-3 portions max costs around £2.50-£3? That's already over 50p a portion, before you've even factored in all the other ingredients.

Since when is playgroup for an 18mt free?

Its the four year old attending a paid for playgroup.

Is it? Also it's not really our business.

You really don't understand female empowerment. You are a very long way from it. It is you that has fallen into the patriarchal trap.

It's Not Anti-Feminist to Stay Home With Your Kids | TIME

When will people stop telling women what to do with their time, their bodies, their children, their lives, their sexuality, their thoughts? When will people stop telling women what choices they should make?

I mean, pointless comment, none of it is anyone else’s business but OP has posted a thread asking for advice on their conflict that revolves around finances so the costs they have are obviously relevant.

@Notthegodofsmallthings 🙌🏼♥️

I'm glad you find it funny and can be so flippant and sarcy. You sound charming.

Looking just at the simple facts, regardless of her spending, the red flags that point to financial abuse tie-in 100% with what is recognised as such.

You're clearly not able to understand it.

OP, there are 687 messages so I haven’t read them all. I’ve read yours and scrolled through the first and last pages. I don’t understand people just concentrating on you budgeting, and not him too.

You are married. You made a joint decision that you should not return to work after kids and your kids are young and growing fast. He threatens you with divorce all the time and is hoarding cash while you can’t make ends meet.

Tell me: what do YOU want? This seems like an impossible set up. You need some legal advice. There is provision in the Matrimonial Causes Act (assuming you are in England and Wales) for maintenance applications within marriage, but it’s very rarely used because usually people are separating / divorcing when this sort of situation occurs. In the first instance, assuming you want to remain with him, you need to talk seriously to him about you returning to work, shared bills including childcare being shared proportionately to your income from a joint account (using tax free childcare), and what is a realistic household budget that includes money for activities, holidays and frivolities. We all need them. Have a budget for pocket money for each of you. Agree a proportionate to income sum for savings.

if he refuses all of this, you need to consider seriously your position. It’s unlikely to improve. There may be legal aid solicitors in your area. Financial abuse is domestic abuse and will get you over that hurdle if you get the requisite evidence (the bar is quite low). If your sole income is realistically child benefit (and UC if separated) you’ll come under the financial threshold. Ask about s27 maintenance and / or maintenance pending suit. You might get assistance with housing benefit as part of UC too.

Good luck.

Can you quote a few of the others so they can vent their wild rants at you rather than attacking me for saying the co-op isn't budget friendly 😂😂 I'm joking BTW lol

Personally I think she deserves better. He doesn't want her to work does he and he wants more children. How is he more reasonable than her and she is made out to be feckless? Not all women are feckless someone has to look after the children.

I took it to mean ‘there are no food shops/£20 day out/£80 clothes that adds up to £750’