Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

He may be really controlling or jusy very paranoid and worried about money. I sympathise though OP, my husband is very similar maybe because he lost money in his last divorce. I was a stay at home mum, we have no joint account in my marriage and my husband does not give me his card or transfer me any money so I used to have to ask for certain amounts. I felt like a child, especially as I lived on my own for 4 years prior. That's why I went back to work part-time. I appreciate that may be difficult for you though. Do you have any signs that he's controlling on other ways?

When my DH bought himself trainers he couldn't help but buy me the same pair for women. He's not selfish it's how he is. If he buys clothes he will buy clothes for all of us it's how he is. Her bloke sounds like Fagin from Oliver.

He's given me free access to the bank card for 8 years.

Why have you had free access to his bank for 8 years when your child is 4 years old?

Also no one needs a new summer wardrobe for £80.

Maybe stop filling the car up with petrol since he’s the one who needs it to get to work, you don’t need petrol to go to the park with kids and you can get weekly food shop delivered.

I giggled at YOU saying a full time worker isn't entitled to a cheap ring and a small vinted shop. I don't think ops situation is funny at all it sounds horrendous she wanted opinions and I've said yes you are indeed overspending on food ( I said this after realising he'd filled the car and spent £100 on food on top of the 500 )

I eat very little processed and make everything from scratch and let me tell you it can be done on a budget. Dishes like pasta, jambalaya, jacket potato’s, chilli, bolognese, cheese and potato pie, omelettes, curries. All fresh, filling and nutritious and work out to about 50p per portion.

My view is the opposite of sexist. A woman staying at home and expecting man to pay for her ‘treats’ is like something from the 1950s. The OP has allowed herself to fall into a patriarchal trap by agreeing to stay at home, look after multiple DC and thereby give up all financial independence. Why did she do all that at his request? Don’t you think that is sexist?* *She has lost all agency. If she had a job, her husbands dickish behaviour wouldn’t be impacting her so much as she’d be able to buy a pack of flipping nappies and take her kids to the farm without worrying about the consequences.

You need to separate the awful DH narrative from the other very real issue which is the OP’s lack of personal responsibility for her own financial well being. It was an unwise decision on her part to be a SAHM with a husband who barely makes £2k a month as common sense would dictate that after paying out for mortgage, other bills, food etc there will not be much money left.

The OP’s husband pays all the bills, gives her £500 - £600 a month, pays for playgroup and the car she drives, saves for big ticket items they have agreed they need, should also save some money for a rainy day and then…also needs to give her some extra money so she can have the occasional treat. All out of £2k.

I don’t know the man and he could be awful but no, I don’t begrudge him buying a ring from Argos or whatever. OP could get a job and pay for her own trinkets, open a savings account, build an emergency account..

All of that is the definition of female empowerment.

What about him it's not one way.

It's also not normal to feel you have to buy something for someone else every time you shop. I buy my own trainers. DH buys his own trainers.

OP don't listen to the enablers on this thread. It's clear to see:

£2100 Income
£470 Bills
£128 Playgroup
£500 Housekeeping

£1002 Disposable income for DH personal use

Out of the £500 you are supposed to buy all groceries, clothes, entertainment etc for yourself and DC. You are eating into personal debt when DH clearly has capacity to better support his DW and DC.

Cost of living means average weekly shop is £44.11 per person in 2022. Days not available for 2024 yet. So £176 a week (not including nappies) with an average of 4.3 weeks in a month = £768 on food alone.

No wonder you are eating into debt to clothe your dc and you haven't had any money since the DC we're born and you left employment.

My advice OP is this is the start of a very controlling pattern of behaviour designed to keep you complaint and needy. You should not have to ask for money for days out. DH is not your DD.

There's a ton of abusive men on this forum looking to poke at vulnerable women. Please ignore them. There is also loads of good advice and support.

Look at the resources on women's aid OP

What about him?
It's OPs perfectly reasonable budget which has been prematurely depleted.

I don't want this conversation I was just saying.

I eat nothing processed it's meat vegetables fresh herbs, even milk alternatives etc I don't spend anything near that on food

Link to data before I'm accused of making it up.

www.gov.uk/government/statistics/family-food-fye-2022/family-food-fye-2022

He also wants another baby

Hey OP it seems this whole thread has now been reduced to bickering between certain posters.

Follow some of the better, non Misogynistic advice here. Wouldn’t be surprised if MN deletes it. It’s going nowhere.

Probably because some of us added an opinion then was plagued with rebukes/replys

Yes, I read that. What's your point?

Indeed. Apparently we're 'enablers' for making points other than 'run from this horrid man immediately'. Sigh. Peak MN - anything that remotely also considers the male partner is apparently 'misogynistic'.

We was literally forced into replying lol! I don't go on emotion in these situations just logic which is why I focused on the budget x

I don't think the op wants another baby but he does and yet he struggles to go with out.

A frank discussion about where they are financially would make it clear that they would probably struggle to afford another baby, plus it's OP who definitely has the final say on what happens to her body!

You seem hell bent on blaming the op rather than having a balanced view. You see nothing wrong with his spending only hers and from the sounds of it she over spent by £120 on baby clothes and co-op shop on essentials.

No it's me who said they can't afford to shop at the co-op and I stand on it.

Meanwhile others seem to see her as doing nothing wrong. There are issues on both sides. I've clearly stated that several times.

BTW nothing nobody says about me mentioning the co-op is relevant because the op quoted me in AGREEMENT it's HER I was talking to lol!