Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

Absolutely nobody thinks it's acceptable to keep threatening divorce why keep listing that?

I’ve just checked and in 3 weeks we spent £530 on food and petrol ( I’ve excluded the takeaway and fuel for the second vehicle ). Yes I am THAT bored today 😂. That’s without being on a budget and feeding two teenage boys who will eat a lot more than young children. I don’t disagree re: the husbands approach to this being all wrong and his behaviour being horrible. But I genuinely wonder if op is in denial about her spending?

What now?
I made no reference to Women's Aid or any links.

Because you continuously attack the Op over budgeting but it’s not about that - it’s about how he treats her. Yet here you are, acting like school kids saying you’re ’giggling Over him spending money on vinted’ - it’s listed because it’s a part of his behaviour, but you’re obsessed over her spending £20 on top up shops.

He HAD discussed it with her- he told her they need to start saving. That means cutting back and budgeting. The DH probably didn’t expect that more would already be needed. £800 on food shopping and petrol is more than enough unless you’re planning to eat steak and caviar every night.

The amount of eating teenagers do and actually boys in general is disturbing my 10 year old wants feeding 4 times a day lol!

Why can't he spend any money on himself?

Hes pissed that she's spending 200 pw on food you are attacking her husband? I'm going on logic he earns 2100 after the bills etc he can't afford HER budgets for food as a sahm she's expected to source things at cost in proportion to the income she ISN'T

That’s not a discussion - saying ‘we need to save more’ then cutting her off financially by cutting up the bank card whilst going out with his mates, buying clothes and renting himself films etc is not a discussion. Sitting down together, working out a budget and making things fair is a discussion. That’s a partnership, that’s what decent people do.

She may have an overspending problem, I don’t know, I haven’t seen her finances, but the way he has handled this is awful and the fact that he refuses to communicate with her and threatens to leave her all the time on top of this shows he is not a good person.

You say he wanted you to stay home and look after the kids.. but what did you want?

This is why I could never be a SAHM.

The person with the £££ holds the power. I hated not having my own money when I was on maternity leave, after maternity pay was over.

You’ve made that up because OP hasn’t said that and you don’t know where the money is going.

Did he buy anything for her. Only single people buy for themselves.

I mentioned her top up shop in agreement with her that It needed to stop THEN I mentioned In when I was QUOTED about it I didn't keep bring it up I was REPLYING

Exactly! Nobody is saying the approach is healthy. It sounds very toxic. But the question of the thread is about money and it clearly is a budgeting issue! I suspect the OP is very unaware of her spending, has probably been discussed a few times and the DH is at breaking point so is trying to teach her a lesson. Albeit a bit too late!

Yes… but I personally know a woman who has her own account & would not enter into a joint account with her husband as she is the one with the financial sense and he just spends, spends, spends.

Why dont you work? Not meant to be a challenging question but this happens so many times in my friendship groups where woman gives up work, things are great until…… he wants a divorce/ has an affair then the woman is left without a career etc

Really? In what world?

Maybe the op and her family like to eat fresh food with little processed food in their shop.

Exactly.

I suggested you looked at WA's definition and criteria of abuse. Because you seem to be unfamiliar with what financial abuse is.

Your post appeared to say that posters had a set opinion which (in your view) was wrong.

I asked if you thought Women's Aid advice and definition of financial abuse was an 'opinion' rather than being an accurate description of it.

And that this man's behaviour fitted that definition.

Maybe the OP needs to accept that some sacrifice has to be made with an income of £2K to feed 4?

Why are you shouting? You have repeatedly chastised her and ‘giggled’ about how he treats her.

I’m absolutely done with some of you. The fact you think that because he earns he can spend what he wants and treat his wife poorly is so fucking depressing. No wonder equality is still such an issue.

OP I hope you manage to resolve this. I think you need to get some support and absolutely start earning if that’s what you want. If you’re staying then you need to have a very serious talk about both your spending and how it’s going to work going forward, but he absolutely cannot spend away on himself whilst you are only allowed to spend money on family and the kids - despite what idiots on here say, that’s not acceptable and never will be.

Good luck. Xx

We do lol she said she's only spent 80 on clothes and 20 on a day out of £500 correct? That leaves £400 he'd already got a shop/petrol so if she spend that on food and nappies that's a her problem....

What does this mean? Is it an insinuation that we don’t eat fresh food? You'd be wrong.This thread is bonkers.

Eh?

Do you think her budget should be unlimited then?