Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

I can't get my head around somebody who's working full time being chastised for getting a few bits on vinted made me giggle 😂😂

Why shouldn’t someone working FT spend £70 on themselves? It’s hardly an huge amount of money.

I’ve already said several times if OP wants to spend £70 or whatever on herself she should get a job. There are WFH/Admin/Data Entry roles that facilitate that. Or a part time job outside the house. It’s absurd that’s she spent years living this miserable existence and can’t even afford a haircut. Her DH doesn’t sound like a nice man so it’s time for OP to exercise some agency and get herself out of this situation instead of sitting at home counting pennies. If she needs to leave him and go on Universal Credit, so be it. Personally I would want to try and get a job/career off the ground but whatever option she chooses, OP needs to do something other than wringing her hands and bemoaning the tack her DH has bought himself a cheap ring.

She has also clarified that on top of the £500 he gives her he also pays for playgroup, petrol and additional shopping. Plus I’m sure there are other bills. I doubt he is squirrelling away £1k every month as some have claimed.

Yes, it’s not an essential cost. As a SAHM I just took mine to the cheaper playgroups each week and then they started half day at the school nursery when they were the right age, which was free.

In relationship's it's about sharing. Me and my partner are always saying to eachother we can't remember the last time we bought ourselves anything it all goes on our children. Whenever my partner bought himself something he also bought me something. It's how we are as a family and couple who love eachother.

MN is a parallel universe! Imagine a woman posted that she worked FT, paid all the bills and bought herself a cheap ring from Argos as a one off treat but her husband was unhappy about it.

She could of got herself something out of the 750 she's got through In 3 weeks.

Oh 100% you work so you can have shelter, food clothes and if you like a cheap ring!

EXACTLY THIS 👏🏼👏🏼

The comments would all be ‘LTB’, ‘Cocklodger’, ‘why is he not at work?’, etc. such double standards sometimes!!

For fucks sakes, just because he works doesn’t mean he gets to treat himself whilst the OP doesn’t - she is doing - at his request - the equivalent of a job. Should she not make his dinner or wash his clothes or whatever else? This idea that because he earns whilst she is looking after two children - again, at his request - means he gets to test himself and she doesn’t is sexist, archaic crap. It’s utter bollocks. Pull your head out of the stone ages and realise that it’s not acceptable.

If he was a full time SAHP at her request who never got to treat himself ever then absolutely fucking not. This isn’t a male vs female thing, it’s about one person controlling another whilst they swan around and do what they want.

Honestly if some of you think that it’s acceptable that he has kept her home then controls her money whilst buying himself crap and going out this mates then I do not know what will open your eyes.

I started commenting on mumsnet 2 weeks ago and started encountering the word cocklodger I think it's hilarious 😂

OP you've had some terrible comments here being a SAHP is not a "lazy cop out" and it doesn't matter if you've been spending too much or little on playgroups, the point is that what's you have been for years and all of a sudden he says you're no longer together, he snags a divorce, you have to ask for money, then you can't, then he doesn't have too. So you need him to tell you what the heck is going in because it's not about a £4 farm entrance fee.

As @BowlOfNoodles has said. She could have bought herself something out of the money she’s already had and spent. This is not somebody who is being given pittance that cannot make ends meet. This is someone whose spending is clearly not inline with the household budget.

She spent it on the family and her children. Op will need to buy school uniform next month for her oldest child I wonder how that will go. Her husband has no shame and he wants another baby. I think the op should look into part time work so she has a bit more freedom. I wonder if her husband has taken her out for a meal and drinks?

She COUID of afforded a £70 tat ring out of this months £750 she didn't budget properly

Cocklodgers don't do full time childcare or housework. They don't do anything.

@Eastie77Returns

Seriously, imagine if it was a man? Gaslighting much.

It would be comparable - if the man was doing all the childcare. Relaying on handouts from the DW and she started threatening him with divorce and cutting off finance and he was getting into debt to buy essential items like clothing for the DC.

But she does have money to treat herself.

She has spent over £700 in 3 weeks. If was usually like that then that’s nearly £1000 per month that she just spends.

Top up shops, nappies, the cafe and farm doesn’t add up to that £700.

He is not controlling her money. He has given her a reasonable budget of what most families have left over per month and she has spent it all in 3 weeks. He’s said no to giving her own way to have more.

No, she couldn’t because she spent it on her family; food, clothing her kids and two family outings.

And the fact she cannot make ends meet does not give her husband the right to change the finances with zero decisions, not purchase nappies whilst buying himself treats, not communicate with her, and threaten to divorce her any time they bicker.

Honestly I think some of you just want to attack and abuse on here for fun.

He hasn’t discussed anything with her; he told her if she needed more to ask for it and then refused; he wouldn’t buy nappies despite going out with his mates - yeah he’s an absolute diamond, what an amazing man. Stop being deliberately obtuse and defending a man who is clearly a dick

No food shop and £20 day out and £80 clothes shop even with petrol adds upto £750 not at all

She is looking after their children that's why. It's no different if a man was looking after the children and the mother was out working. Someone has to look after the children and someone has to work. I think the op wants to work but he doesn't want her to and he's hoping for another baby.

Where has she treated herself? She said herself she has never spent anything like £70 on herself. So where has she treated herself? Not being good with budgeting doesn’t equate to this outcome. If he had an issue he should have sat down with her and gone over the finances, not threatened to leave her and - after telling her she could have more money if she just asked - refused to get nappies for their child.

She said she has done food shops, so don’t know wheee you’ve got that idea from.