Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

🤢

I didn't ever say there wasn't potentially abuse, I simply said that wasn't definitely abuse.

Utter rubbish.

What's the point in working if you are not allowed to buy yourself anything? The op could of got herself something out of the 750 from him and the child benefits combined.

I agree.

There are lots of people on here bickering over the cost of shopping etc.

The real issue which exposes this as abuse is threatening to divorce OP every time she disagrees with him. Classic emotional abuse.

The over dramatic chopping up the bank card instead of calm discussion.

The nights / meals out with the boys and spending on jewellery/ stuff for himself.

There is no lack of funds here but he has put OP on a budget.

No matter how it’s buttered up, OP. This is abusive behaviour.

Speak to Women’s Aid in the first instance.
Ignore those telling you it’s your fault.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

You said this -

Meanwhile certain people either cannot actually read and/or accept their view is the the only relevant point.

Read the info on Women's Aid on financial and economic abuse if you're unclear on it.

Is Women's Aid only a 'viewpoint'?

I agree with the vast majority of what you just said but if op is spending £750 in 3 weeks on food petrol and nappies she does need to be told that's outta the budget! The 2nd time he threatened to divorce me I'd of been looking for the resources to leave fuck that who does he think he is?

I cannot honestly believe the amount of posts saying this is financial control or abuse and that as a SAHP she should have as much money as needed and that this isn’t a budget problem.

Her DH has paid for a £100 shop, £50 of fuel, given her £500, plus the child benefit which I think I read was £166. Plus she’s eaten into an overdraft of no specified amount. In real terms that’s over £800 of a £2100 income and it’s only 21st of the month. I cannot for a second believe all household bills come to £470- gas, electric, water, car insurance, contents insurance, internet, mobile phones, tv licence, car tax, possibly a tv subscription, life insurance, car finance, etc all for £470 for a family of 4?! That’s unrealistic. If it is, please share your providers because I live alone in a two-bed appt and mine are more than that!

As it is, after all of that spending, plus playgroup (which I don’t understand if you’re a SAHP) there is barely anything left to save as it is.

The issue here isn’t the DH trying to implement control over outgoings (which is completely different to financial control)- the issue is you need to cut back or increase income.

When I run out of money, do I claim the bank are financially abusing or financially controlling me because I can’t have access to more money?

What shocked me is people questioning somebody's audacity to buy themselves clothes out of their wages lol!! VINTED aswell not armani

‘Outta the budget’ perhaps.

But this is where the calm discussion should come in isn’t it ?

It’s not really about the £750.Its using ‘budgeting’
as an excuse to abuse. Hence the sulks and threats to divorce. That’s toxic.
Take him up on divorce,OP.

I think I lost the will to live by that point. The bloody entitlement 😂 how dare you work and buy yourself something?! Call Women’s Aid without delay!! I’m sure they’ve got tons of time and resource to help someone who endlessly spends, has ran out of money, has an argument about it and so some random people are telling them it’s abuse 😂

I cannot honestly believe the amount of posts saying this is financial control or abuse and that as a SAHP she should have as much money as needed and that this isn’t a budget problem.

You're missing the point.

And making things up.

No one has said that as a SAHP she should have as much money as she needs or not budget.

You've invented that bit.

If you cannot see that -

not ever allowing her to have an additional credit card on his account so she has some autonomy like an adult, or access to a joint account, like an adult

never allowing her to set up a joint account years ago when she asked

that he chops the card up, threatens divorce and says he's out (any time he doesn't get his own way)

then you need to either improve your comprehension skills or educate yourself on what emotional and financial abuse it.

Women's Aid is a good place to start.

No I wasn't suggesting anything. If you actually bother to read my post you see I gave 3 options. I did not " suggest" she did any of them

That would be my issue with him we're not together and I want a divorce etc I'd give it to him! Perhaps he has brought the spending up numerous times and has snapped and cut the card up. I don't think I could come back from that with him, the threats the lack of notice that I was being cut of financially next week with no card she'll have to actually ask for food nah fuck that.

Why would he work if he couldn't put a shirt on he's back ffs 😂 VINTED is basically a world of second hand ( love it I do lol ) but it's not a sign of being rolling In it x

She has no access to money now

RTFT she doesn't work

Sorry I did read that. I was being sarcastic about the dramatic responses.

I must be in a healthy relationship if you can't see he is being selfish by spending money on himself. Why he can't he take his wife out food and drinks?

@Username197

You've missed the point and probably like many posters here, missed the bit where OP has said he threatens divorce when she disagrees with him.
Emotional abuse or not?
Surely you recognise the toxicity in that ?

How dare he 😂 you cannot forget the ring as well! The way this is mentioned it’s 24 carrot.

It's most definitely comparable to Jennifer Lopez pink diamond engagement ring 💍 it was no more than he handed over for he's daughters Summer wear! Yet how daaaaaaare he buy a shirt 👕 lol 😂😂

Where did I say it wasn’t emotional abuse?

Divorce him then. I don’t expect she’ll get £800 a month in maintenance out of £2100 income.

😂😂😂 at least there’s the odd few of us living in the real world on here!