Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

Hi Op I'm unfortunately not surprised at the tone of a lot of the responses and think they speak to a level of internalised misogony I often see on AIBU threads. The issue as I see it is not budgeting but rather being 'put' on a budget, that he has the authority to decide he wants to start saving without discussing it, agreeing an approach and making sacrifices together. I would try to get an overview of family finances so you have an equal understanding of what is coming in and going out. I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation and hope you find a way to resolve it.

It wasn't £500 she had £50 petrol and a £100 footshop aswell plus child benefits, and was in her overdraft within 3 weeks that's at least £750 if that's for food and £80 on children's clothes. That's an insane amount for food/petrol nappies and just £20 in days out in 3 weeks! What are spending on food pw op?

He is spending money on himself only selfish people do that when they have a family.

That £100 he spent on food may have only been for the weekend or else she wouldn't have needed to buy more food .

£100 per weekend what on earth are they eating? Lol

Some people are focussing on how much money you have spent op. To me, that’s somewhat irrelevant.
you shouldnt be reliant on a man providing you with an allowance with absolutely no oversight or say in the wider finances. This is archaic and abusive.
maybe you did overspend, maybe you didn’t. I really don’t think this is the point though. You’ve left yourself in a very vulnerable position. Your partner needs to be open with finances and you need a joint account if you are to rely on him financially.
If he’s doing this because you have an issue with spending, you both need to sit down and have a budget conversation- not him make a decision and impose it.

£100 for a weekends food would be ridiculous. Just asked my DD who has a husband 2 kids including a teenager and she says £70-75 a week on food. So it can be done

I'm still not sure why people are still parroting the line that without the OP the husband wouldn't be able to have his career etc. Of course he would , he would just have to pay 16% of his gross income in CMS which is a lot less that he's paying at the moment and he wouldn't be anymore restricted by kids than he is now

Well, no, going to a cafe is most definitely a treat for you more than the kids. Children far prefer a picnic at the playground near your accommodation, but that's 1. extra effort for the person making the picnic and 2. boring for the adult, because pushing swings endlessly is boring.
At least be honest: free/cheap stuff is harder work for the adult, but normally more fun for the kids.
Soft play/petting zoos were only just starting off when mine were small and I was horrified at how often people would go considering the cost. With a playground nearby, which all military housing has, you can live off sandwiches and the park for the entire summer (with wellies and waterproofs).

I spend £70 pw on a 3 person household including all drinks and household cleaning products its easily done tbf.

I'm beginning to wonder if the OP comprehends budgeting maturity or education wise hence her husband cracking.

For your household income that seems like a lot in 3 weeks.

Also £80 for just summer clothes for a 4 year old? Seems a bit excessive. My DS is 6 and still wearing some clothes from last summer like t-shirts and shorts. Asda and TU, often have sales and are perfectly adequate and I say this as someone who earns over £100k.

I think it's time to have a sit down with your DH and seriously talk about a budget. It may also be a time to seriously think about how sustainable it is for you to continue to be a SAHM. If you're DH isn't willing to discuss it then your marriage is fucked anyway, and even more reason to go and look for a job. You'll be screwed if this ends in divorce.

Does your DD husband buy things for himself and goes out for food and drinks with his mates at the expense of his family.

Well no I'd be terrified to hand my card over if 750 was gone on food petrol and nappies In 3 weeks. ( with the 80 summer shop ) that's not even a full month.

It depends on what they eat I know olive oil has gone up because that's from Europe.

Does her husband have the same understanding of budgeting and maturity when he spends £70 on a ring and more on meals out with his mates?

People need to stop nitpicking about the finer details.

This guy is not a nice guy. He has communication issues, financial issues (yes, the OP would appear to have these too), and threatens the OP when things are going his way.

budgeting problems aren’t the main focus here - the treatment from OPs husband is the main problem.

They both work so yeah. Put half of the bills into joint account and rest is to do as they wish with

That’s not what she said, she said ‘at the expense of his family’, so your answer would be no.

He may do if she didn't bother to work.

That's a dig at the op? She has an 18 month old how much will it cost to put her in full time childcare while she works. I remember speaking to a woman and she said she only had £150 left after child care expenses.

It reads like you've spent a lot of money with no real thought to budgeting or making it last - you just seemed to assume that your DH would give you more so you didn't need to worry.

I'd also say your household expenses sound very low - does the £475 on bills really include everything - mortgage/rent, council tax, insurance, electricity, water, internet, gas, petrol, car tax? Most people's mortgage alone would come to more than £475 a month.

You both need to sit down and talk about whether you're going to stay married and if so, how you're going to budget as a family going forward, but I do think you need to address your spending - nobody needs to spend £80 all in one go on summer clothes for a 4yo, for example, that's entirely optional - as is doing expensive top-up shops in co-op every week.

The argument is not about how much OP spends on her weekly shop or what she buys. Her DH gave her money before, now he is withholding it. She is building up debt to maintain basic standards. By definition this is coercive/financial control.

I don't know why posters are getting obsessed with what's spent on what and appear oblivious to the root cause which is financial abuse.

Oh, it's OP's fault for paying for the farm or whatever.

It's not HIS fault for being a dick, controlling her, not sitting down to discuss budgets, stopping her from working (as it suits him), wanting another child- ditto- meaning she'd be tied to the house and won' t earn.

Even IF she's been extravagant, this is no way to behave in a marriage.

In all honesty it makes me wonder if all the posters on HIS side are in equally appalling relationships and are taking some perverse pleasure from kicking the OP .

Childcare is a joint expense, though, it shouldn't be seen as something that solely comes out of the woman's salary.

And yes, I know that it could mean they're only "up" by £150 overall, but £150 is better than nothing and could be the difference between debt and solvency for some families.

Are you actually reading and understanding what the OP writes?

Didn't she say he didn't want her to work? And that he wanted another, 3rd, child?

We have no proof that he's withholding it, do we? There may not be anything left to withhold once all the essentials are paid for.