Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

Sure.

If the child has outgrown everything and needs to size up then a multi-pack of t-shirts and shorts isn’t going to be enough - with the weather we are having they may also need long-sleeved t-shirts, leggings/trousers, jumpers, plus socks, underwear, swim wear, shoes/sandals, pyjamas etc.

If the child is at the age when they need multiple changes, a 5 pack might only last them 2-3 days so there’s all the washing to keep on top of.

It would have been better to buy a few bits at a time and spread the cost but I have been in a situation where DC had sudden growth spurt and needed a bulk order. I don’t think £80 is excessive if that’s everything the child needs. But I also don’t think it should be OP’s sole responsibility to fund this.

Exactly, but certain people are determined to blame it on the OP not matter what. He controls her spending, spends himself, threatens to leave her every time they argue, she isn’t working on his say so, yet people are determined to make out he is right and it’s all her fault.

It’s all budget. For the last 8 years ops had free rein of the dhs actual bank card.

His now taken that back. Because the household has basically blown all its cash in three weeks.

If his normally perfectly fine with the op spending whatever whenever I don’t find him controlling normally so maybe it’s his breaking point. Man or women if they are both living in overdrafts will hit a fuck sake point living in that debt when if they both BOTH budgeted better.

His gone about it wrong but it doesn’t mean the point doesn’t stand.

Let's not forget his clothes that he spent on himself and a £70 ring. Oh and a night out with the lads for food and drinks. Don't sound hard up to me when it comes to his wants and needs.

Op should go to work and he can foot the child care bill then if he thinks giving her £500 is enough in a month to cover kids incidentals, food, petrol, phone bill etc!! I'm sure he wasn't arguing when he didn't need to give up his job to look after his kids. Honestly!! Really gets to me people saying he's working so he deserves to buy things. There is no job harder than being at home with young children all day. Sometimes getting out for a day is good for the kids and for parent. Some of the views on here are disgusting. Honestly OP, he sounds abusive. I hope you manage to leave and you and your kids have a great life. Ignore all the negative people. I'm sure they just love to kick folk when they are down.

Meanwhile certain people either cannot actually read and/or accept their view is the the only relevant point.

You can't afford it though @Rockyrockrock

What he bought in food may not have lasted the weekend so it's likely she needed to do a shop.

A £100 shop not lasting a weekend? What? That's definitely overspending on a 2K income if that's the case. On that income a £100 shop needs to last a week!

According to most on here he's allowed to spend on whatever he likes. That's the argument.

I think you're both in the wrong. He is being controlling and manipulative. You are being frivolous and naive. You've spent an astonishing amount of money in 3 weeks.

Before I went back to work 2 years ago, our income was similar to yours, so I'm well aware of what its like to get by on that.

Is he actually though?

Absolutely noone can comment without providing numbers and details. What do you budget for and what do allow for anything you like. It sounds like you should have a healthy household income.
What are savings target and aims, saving fir no reason makes little sense if it compromises day to day living expenses

No, they cant can they? Sorry, should I have just said ‘sure’?

What exactly are you reading @Werweisswohin ?
If you disagreeing that she's being abused, how do you see it?

Because what I see is this -

• She had the use of his credit card pretending she was him as he didn't allow her to have a card as an additional card holder.

-He's now cut this up so she has no access to money other than what he gives her.

-He has a temper outburst when they try to discuss the budget and threatens to divorce her.

-He buys himself none essentials like a ring but would go spare if she did that.

If you refuse to see this as financial abuse, maybe try reading the link I left from Women's Aid.

Thank you, my thoughts exactly. Taking children to farms/eating in cafes etc is extraordinarily expensive and can cost a fortune without realising. When my son was little, it was the park and a home made picnic, sandwiches etc because that is what my budget allowed. I mixed with people who had no concept of budgetary management and spent loads in cafes and shops without thinking.
So I do think you might need to consider reining in abit if any of that reflects you. Please don't think I am criticising you and your husband's behaviour is unreasonable. You need to have a frank discussion. Also, some SAHMs have no concept of the responsibilities associated with maintaining a household; I must emphasise not all . Take care

Also, some SAHMs have no concept of the responsibilities associated with maintaining a household; I must emphasise not all . Take care

God almighty.

Did you mean to be so patronising?

Let's be clear here, OP, your husband is abusing you. You know what he doing is not right, and you don't deserve this, and neither do your children.

'Financial abuse is a form of domestic abuse and is a way of having power over you. It involves someone else controlling your spending or access to cash, assets and finances. This can leave you feeling isolated, lacking in confidence and trapped.
Sometimes (but not always) financial abuse will be recognised by the police as coercive or controlling behaviour, which is also a criminal offence'.
Financial abuse: spotting the signs and leaving safely (moneyhelper.org.uk) .

The constant threats to end the marriage are emotional abuse.

Home - Women's Aid (womensaid.org.uk) - these people can support you if you are in the UK.

Still a lot of work to be done to educate people about the different forms of domestic abuse, and I am sorry you have had so many horrid comments.

Ynab is a really good piece of software you can subscribe too. It really helps you budget for each category inc savings. Could you sit down together and work out a realistic budget? What do you need for food, clothes, days out etc each month. We also have a small amount allocated each month for ‘personal’ spent up to that amount on whatever you want- extra check with other half. Both wages go into joint account, dh earns much more than me, but it’s all ‘our’ money and we’ve agreed on spending for each area.

We were young and skint with a toddler and a baby. But we worked in harness. Both of us knew exactly to the penny how much money was in the account every month.

We saved what we could, I had diluted squash and butties on days out.

Eventually because we saved there was more money. But gawd with two young children it was slim pickings financially. I didn't have a car so it was a pram and miles of walking. I was so fit and skinny in hilly Wales back then 😂

I don't see what's so difficult in sitting down and working out a budget.
DH went mad at me once because we had nothing left in the bank . We sat down and went through the bank statements. Most of the spending was DH a switch here and there he had forgot about it all added up . DH decided he couldn't be trusted with his bank card 🤣 and now only uses cash , when it's gone it's gone .

Sit down and do a budget see we're your money is going and budget accordingly. It's the only way to know if you're being financially controlled or if you're spending too much.

Preschool hours should be free for your 4 year old. And sadly farm trips and soft play are treats, not a necessity to entertain your children. Especially with a cafe trip, most people make their own pack -lunches. Church toddler groups are about £1/2 per family which is more normal.

This is financially abusive.
That said, to be wholly reliant on a man to provide you with money each month is wild.
If you are a partnership and as part of that partnership you are staying home with the kids, then surely full transparency and oversight of the money is needed by both sides.
My husband earns 3* as much as me because I’m part time for the kids. The money all goes into a joint account. We each then take the same amount each for ‘fun funds’. The amount each of us earns is completely irrelevant.
for a man to rely on someone to be the mother of their children and essentially free childcare but not trust them enough to share finances is madness to me.

Ok OP, so what are you going to do about this ?
Amongst the trolls and abusers on here you’ve also had some good advice.

You need to do something to be able to provide for yourself and the kids.
IMO your H is being controlling and abusive.

Could there be OW if he’s suddenly changed ?

Normal way to budget is to sit down and discuss with your partner, not just suddenly leave them with £500 for the whole family ( including food for him) while continuing to spend on himself.

Options :
Leave him ( you’ll be better off on benefits)
Go back to work and expect him to take 50% of childcare burden.

After all, if you weren’t at home looking after his kids, he wouldn’t have his career and earnings either would he ? You’ve given up yours so he can progress his.

Don’t be bullied.