Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

No he isn’t the only one who’s spent, but you can’t say it’s fine for him to restrict her spending whilst he fritters it away.

None of this would be relevant if you had a job. Any job. And don't give me, oh he didn't want the kids in nursery, Lazy copy out. Working should be the default option.

£70 last month, and perhaps £60 this month between £10 for a film and one dinner out.

He’s not exactly living it up while OP is left penniless is he?

It doesn’t actually sound like he wants OP to have nothing and he’s spending endlessly.

On a limited budget it is reasonable and sensibly for everyone’s spending to be ‘restricted’. Few people just spend as and when they please with no awareness of cost.

OP even says she hadn’t been spending much when it amounts to over £750 for 3 weeks after quite a few basics were covered. Thats a lot of money for most families for 2 weeks of food, toiletries and day trips during the week with the kids. OP lists out a measly £4 farm ticket as though it’s the only treat for the month but that’s quite clearly far from the case.

What? I'm a stay st home mum. We both agreed to that.

I vaguely remember this being discussed, about halway in.

"He also has a 300 overdraft so if necessary he can give me money to tide me over."

So you're in your overdraft, expecting him to go into his too, for this month.

What happens next month?

If one spouse isnt going to work then you need a joint account where all the income goes. Child benefit, husbands wage etc. Then you have transparency and equal footing financially. If he refuses this then he's most likely a financial abuser and you should make plans for a split.

I guess the point is I don't ever have 70 or 60 to spend on myself.

And those saying a farm/cafe is a treat for me is insane.
It's a way to keep my children happy and entertained.

It's not a treat for me. I'm trying to give them a nice time..

Give over, OP hasn’t spent anything like £70 on herself, yet he hasn’t spent it on himself. Thats not defensible.

100% this. Couldn't have put it better myself. That particular poster's attitude is grim and worrying. I hope some of what he's reading on here changes his attitude. I fear not though.

The point is op your family cant afford it? The park is free, the library is free. Having another mum and her kids round to play costs the price of a tea bag and a few cheap biscuits to dole out to the kids. Literally 50p.
You dont seem to recognise your family income is low so you need to be living accordingly?

Unfortunately op he's backing out as this point 👉 the cutting of the card was a very clear message 😕 it wasn't just £500 as we originally thought it's 650, plus child benefits. About 750? In 3 weeks. Anyway all that aside it Is what it Is I think the biggest question is what's your next move? Because you can't go on like this. And child benefits won't get you through you can't be saying please may we have some food every week it's a horrible way to live.

The thing is you do though. You could have easily spent £70 on yourself from the £750 and it still would have been a completely reasonable amount to see through the food shop for the rest of the month and petrol for the odd day out with the kids.

Of course it’s a treat for you too. How many 4 year olds and babies prefer a cafe to the park?
Theres nothing wrong with 1 week of picnics in the park because you’ve overspent. Sometimes if you over spend one week you need to cut back the next, you don’t actually seem to appreciate that.

Summer clothes for her 18 month old. I could be seen as neglect if she doesn't dress her.

Am I the only one thinking that £128 per month is a massive amount for a playgroup, especially considering the budget? I’m a SAHM and just went to the local church type playgroups at £2-3 a session!

I’ve always been given a certain amount a month and it works well for us. I prefer it as I don’t feel like I have to explain what I’m spending money on. I don’t get a large amount either but I know my budget so make it work around that rather than spending and then finding out I’m short. My DC are much older than yours and I still wouldn’t spend £80 on a summer wardrobe for one of them. I buy bits here and there on sale, often in the next size up. Farm type places are an occasional treat too, not a monthly thing.

I don't think a cafe/farm is insane but I definitely would buy nappies and essentials first - surely you knew he couldn't keep providing more money over and above the £500 + 100 + 50 (+ 148) which he'd already provided toward the house/child expenses, on a starting income of £2K ish? You also have the child benefit (over 100 for 2 kids). It's possible to have a nice time for free/cheap - get on to Money Saving Expert and read up on tips for entertaining kids cheaply.

It's more of a preschool for my 4 year old. Just called playgroup

Again, how come Op can’t spend £8 on a farm yet her husband can spend a lot more than that on himself???

£2,100 a month seems tight for a family of four.

I think the DH is covering all bills including child’s playgroup. Transferring money to OP for food, petrol and children’s expenses.

£500 from DH plus child benefit paid directly into OP’s account = £684 (they had a joint account, the CB money should go in there) . this month at least with the shop £100 and petrol £50 the OP has had a total of £834
plus whatever she’s done into her overdraft. (unless already in it at the beginning of the month )

there’s been a disagreement about the £80 on the daughters clothes as DH had agreed to cover this and transfer more over but then pointed out he’d done the food shop (don’t know if he’d paid for this before he agreed)

I wouldn’t agree to financial abuse from what I’ve seen but threatening to leave a relationship every time you have an argument is emotional abuse. He needs to bite his tongue unless he means it.

OP as a quick fix, how about picking up shifts in a pub or supermarket evening or weekend with DH in charge of the children? That would bring in some extra money to help with days out and personal spends for you.

It is not neglect to not spend £80 on summer clothes for a 4 year old. £20 from a supermarket would have gotten a lovely pack of 5 shorts and t shirts. Completely fine given we’re having a very cool summer by all standards. £80 on summer clothes is a choice. If you have less you spend less, it’s really that simple.

Nobody is suggesting she doesn't dress her but you also cut your cloth accordingly.

OP I don’t often say this or say it lightly but consider returning to work and having some income of your own. It really doesn’t sit well with me that he is allowed fun money and yours is so tightly controlled.

Even if you had been overspending surely a fair transparent conversation about budgeting would be the way forward not removing your access to money. Add in all his talk about divorce it feels very uneasy to me. As a SAHM you could seriously be up shits creek in the event of a divorce.

Can you return to work part time or even so something a few evenings to have some savings. If he is allowed fun money you should be too and children are a joint expense.

Sending you hugs.

I think you need to make a list of free or cheap activities as well, so you've got a bunch of options ready eg.

Visit to the library
Bike ride
Board games
Make a fort
Movie marathon
Arts and crafts
Trip to the beach or river
Etc

Oh stop. I'm making perfectly valid points that you just don't happen to agree with.

It's shocking how the focus here by so many posters is about budgeting.

That's missing the point.

No woman in an equal relationship should be without access to money when they have agreed she is a SAHP.

Using his credit card (which is actually fraud if she's pretending to be him, using his PIN etc) is not having access to money as an individual in her own right.

There is a HUGE difference between being profligate with money (when it's their sole income) and being treated as an adult who is fully involved in budgeting , with access to his income.

I'm shocked at how many posters are bickering over the costs of this and that, where she could save money etc.

Really?

Aren't you shocked at how he behaves? Controls her. Flounces and threatens divorce when they row? Buys himself a ring yet says she is wasting money.

@Rockyrockrock Don't the Forces have some kind of welfare/ counselling service for wives? Can you access that and get some help?

You need to decide if this marriage is sustainable or not.

You could also speak to Women's Aid about leaving and how to.Their website shows that his behaviour is financial abuse.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/
Financial and economic abuse

Financial abuse is part of coercive control, it involves a pattern of controlling, threatening and degrading behaviours relating to money and finances.

The perpetrator uses money to control their partner’s freedom.

This can include using credit or debit cards without permission or building up debts in their partner’s name.

Economic abuse is a broader term, as it also includes restricting access to essential resources and services, such as food, clothing or transport, and refusing to allow someone to improve their economic status through employment, education or training.

Some examples of economic abuse are:
Controlling all of the household income and keeping financial information a secret

Taking out debts in your name, sometimes without you knowing

Stopping you from being in work, education or training

Making you do a certain amount of hours at work, not contributing to any bills

Having control over spending, checking receipts, having everything in their name

If you are experiencing financial abuse, Surviving Economic Abuse can support you.

And read about the Freedom Programme for women who are abused.