Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

Either this thread is an absolute wind up chock full of sock puppets.

Or the Op is (very calmly) taking this in and taking the advice from people who have been in this situation before.

Or a number of people are incredibly bored. Or a newspaper wants a story.🌸

I am off to enjoy the day and if you are genuine OP I wish you all the best.

Good news is there are some lovely posters on her amongst the oddballs.

Also, you say paying for a day out on a farm, this cannot be out of your basic woman budget, a day out is in the class of luxury, he should be paying for all of that and you both together have had to sit before all this has happened and say: ok, this is the monthly income, mortgage, bills, food and basic hygiene products and cosmetics cost this much. From there on, clothes, days out, a nice mummy cappuchino and cake days and so on, will cost that much and let him offer you money to spend on that also. You have had to sit and talk

Did you both sit down and work out the budget or was it just your husband?

I think £500 outside of bills is doable with some planning (meal planning, shopping lists, 1 monthly trip to a zoo etc).

I tend to over estimate what I need - e.g. if I use £30 a week on petrol, I will say £40. If food is around £40 a week, I would say £50. I also give myself a miscellaneous budget which is outside of essentials, of say £30 a week (which can be used for lunch out, activities etc).

I usually have around £200 a month for miscellaneous spending and thats saving £500 a month on a take home pay of £2200 as a single mum.

OP, you're literally at his mercy right now. If he suddenly refuses to send you any more money you'll be fucked. Child maintenance takes a while to be sorted and a divorce settlement can takes ages. How would you feed yourself and the kids in the meantime?

Driving elsewhere for top up shops often negates any savings though.

£50 minimum spend on a Tesco shop. If all she needs is £50 why can't he give it to her unless he spent £850 on himself plus his overdraft? Mean is the only word I can think of for him.

Judging by the op saying they need to stop I don't think another options 30 miles away and 20p? Nope I was saving £30 pw when I switched to aldi the co op is on par if not more expensive than waitrose I had a co op waitrose and m&s foodhall in walking distance the co-op was eye wateringly expensive!

You think it's ok for a man to have this level of financial control over their wife? Your standards must be very low.

Tbh OP i wouldnt be surprised if it turns out the family are actually in a bit of debt that has accumulated over that 8yrs. £2,100 for a family of 4 is not a lot, does the £470 you have mentioned include for eg car insurance, and car leasing/financing costs, internet/tv license, mobile phone monthly costs, life insurance, water, gas, electric, council tax, home insurance? Id be amazed if it does. Tbh on £2100 for a family of 4 with some childcare costs to come out of that id expect you all to need to be budgeting incredibly carefully, our family income is c. 3x that and paying the inflated prices in a cafe isnt something we do often at all.
Summer clothes should have come after buying essentials like nappies, and tbh cafe and farm trips, soft play are luxuries that really your family cant afford in the same month that summer clothes are needed? I actually think £80 is a lot for a 4yr old too - you'd get a 3 pack of tshirts for £10 and same for shorts at the supermarket and ive just seen kids sandles £12 at the supermarket. You prob could have spent £40 and she'd have been fine. If she needed a couple more bits like a swimsuit/dress spend amother 20 next month, spread the cost.

Regardless of all that even if he wasn't being a cheap twat the co-op is actually really expensive! Or my local one was!

It's a military house would they pay those bills. I know it's a silly question.

It's the relatuvely low income which is controlling what they can both spend.

Why are so many posts telling OP what she should cut back on to keep within the £500 and not why she should have to manage on £500 in the first place?

OP managed to spend over £750 in less than three weeks and that is from the day after he did a £100 food shop and £50 in petrol.
Plus she has spent into an overdraft who who knows how much else.

Clearly there is far too much spending from OP. The DH isn’t a huge earner. This is the first month he has tried to create any sort of limit and it’s clearly because they’re pissing away every penny each month and had no savings.

People are so quick and to moan about the DH having all this money but the be never met a family who have all their household needs met after £470. Given he just also spent £150 towards other household things he clearly does contribute to additional expenses on top.

I'm always a bit wary of these posts but he is controlling and abusive. You both agreed that you would be a SAHM. Then his salary is for the family. It should be transparent what his income is and where it all goes. You shouldn't have to receive a generous allowance you should have access to it. Budgets and plans should be made side by side and savings should be agreed and joint. If you separated would you be financially worse off? You would be entitled to benefits and CMS so maybe not?

Are there any support services from the military you can access? Are you able to talk to other military families with same income and circs?

Also going from 2 to 3 kids is massive in terms of the impact on absolutely everything. No matter what happens now I wouldn't put myself in that position with him.

If he is struggling for money why has he treated himself to multiple meals out and spent £70 on a. Ring?

Their income is around 2K, so 500 may be what they can reasonably afford? OP has also confirmed that her partner has paid for other things (eg a big shop, petrol, playgroup) which some posters thought she was paying from the 500.

I just googled and yes military families are responsible for utility bills etc. You get council tax relief (not the whole amount only a discount) but only when on a deployment by the looks of things and sounds like OP husband isnt away atm. So id be amazed if ALL the family monthly bills are coming to under 500, especially if they are running a car in that.
And he put £50 in the car thats most of a tank, and paid for a weeks food before giving her the £500. So she had £500 + CB so over £650 to last 3 weeks that should have been do-able really.

Wasn't there an explanation further out about that?

OP also treated herself and the kids to a cafe visit and farm outing?

...and spent £80 at once on clothes, which may or may not be reasonable (depends what they were and if they were needed/needed to be new etc). The bottom line is that any family of 4 on approx £2K will likely have to be quite strict with their budget.

OP, this isn't a money issue. It seems a control issue and a detachment on you H part. If I was you that's where my focus would be
What do you want? Will he discuss his feelings with you?
At the moment it feels like he is controlling and financially and emotionally abusive.
Do you walk on eggshells? Does he stonewall you?
Have you rlf that you can talk to?

I didn’t say he was struggling, but his income isn’t huge to support a family. The £70 was last money when OP also had ‘unlimited’ spending lets say, certainly uncontrolled.
This month he spent £10 on a film and went out once.

He’s clearly not the only one who has spent money! Just because OP hadn’t gone a bought new shoes doesn’t mean she hasn’t been spaffing money. Cafes aren’t purely for the benefit of a 4 year and baby. The OP has obviously enjoyed things that cost money too.

People are harping on about £500 having to cover all household bills, but it was £750 gone in less than 3 weeks after he did a £100 food shop and put £50 in petrol.

Saying ‘hey sometimes when the money runs out, there isn’t going to be more for further trips out’ is hardly a crazy concept.

Not a good situation but realistically if you did leave him then he's not going to need to pay as much as £500 on child maintenance. So you will have even less money and have to pay all bills and housing yourself

Where? Where does it say that there is a good reason for those spends?

People defending him saying there’s no money, yet there’s money for him to buy shit for himself.