Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

Is there anything that could be causing his anger, other than you?
Not justifying him being angry at you for one minute, but could he be hiding something? Is his job OK? Are his family OK? Is he gambling or addicted to something?

Can you afford everything you need for the month with the £500 if you budget it out?

If so, set a proper budget to follow each month and cut down on the non necessities, look on vinted for clothes etc, reduce food costs a bit, maybe shop primarily at Aldi, so you can carve a bit back - a little treat for yourself should be carved into the budget too, so keep a small amount that you can use as you wish each month.

If it's impossible to cover what you need then sit down together and work out a more reasonable budget.

The cutting card up and comments to you do make him sound a bit of a tit, but given that he does also buy petrol, food shopping and obviously covers all bills (presume your phone bill etc too) then I'm not sure he's being financially abusive here. Are you sure the bills are so low? Because costs have shot up so much, perhaps these have too and his disposable income is less?

Do you have visibility of these savings and where they are? And are they protected ie. Would you get half should you split? If not I'd be a bit worried you could get screwed over here.

If you are able to, I think a part time evening job in a restaurant or something may be good for you. Give you a bit of an identity outside of just being mum, some independence and ability to save something for the future just in case.

I'm not clear what you mean by he gave you his bank card.

If you mean you used his PIN and pretended the card was yours, that's not right

You should have been an additional card holder. That's with your own card, but under the same account as his.

Did you realise that was/is an option?

It all comes over as treating you like a child and not trusting you.

It might come as a real shock to you @BlackStrayCat but my experience is the norm amongst everyone I know. Of course, we may all have superior intelligence.

On the other hand maybe we aren't married to bullying wankers.

So 650 really even op? I thought ALL the petrol and food was expected out of that! The co-op is for high earners tbh

Agreed.
Nobody should routinely use, or have to use, another person's card.

Then maybe we do not blame the victims in such a crass way?

The Coop is also for folk who don't have any other supermarkets nearby for top up shops. 😔

www.army.mod.uk/people/live-well/relationship-support/

It's not victim blaming so you can cut out that accusation.

It's asking the OP to appreciate the gravity of HIS behaviour. Not hers.

Not how it came across unfortunately.

So he gave you £500 with the expectation that you used that to last the month. You frittered it away with no regard and you're angry he's said no when you have come back for more?

As I said earlier, it's no wonder he's angry and you do indeed think there's a magic money tree.

All these posts suggesting he must be cheating etc are ridiculous and unsurprising because the man is always to blame on here.

She drives 🚗 the first thing I did a few years ago when I was in a tight spot was stopped shopping at waitrose for 6 months used jarred instead of coffee pods etc etc and in those 6 months I saved hundreds!

You're being castigated for poxy co op top ups! what a joke...if everything you are telling us is true he is a vile bully...he wants to keep you pregnant, at home and under his control...what is he an army sgt.major or something? Bringing his work ethic home..he sounds vile.

Did he?!?! When he spent £70 on a ring?!? Or do you think he can be frivolous whilst she gets into debt? You’re denying her two family outings whilst he pisses money up the wall? Have a fucking word.

I see people from all walks of life go to the co-op for extra bits because Tesco is to far. Co-op is a convenience shop for everyone you can't buy your weekly shop from there and it's not as big as Waitrose where you can get a weekly shop.

Before you start picking holes in other people's posts, look at what you've said.
Nasty sarcy comments, about superior intelligence, when someone describes a different kind of financial arrangement (which is far from unusual.)

On the one hand you accuse me of victim blaming, but you jump on me with a totally unnecessary and unpleasant response.

Tell me again what was the money frittered away on?

She herself knows the co-op top ups are taking her out of the budget doing that 5 times is £100when you've got £500 to work with it's just not smart shopping.

so the £500 plus child benefit is after the bills and nursery days are covered and an original £100 shop and a car fill up at £50.

He needs to pick up the slack fetching and paying for more shopping. If you say need £100 a week shopping then he needs to pick that up. Then your “free” money is more equal.

I discounted the child benefit using that to cover all children’s new wardrobes and a couple trips a month rather than it coming out of either parties “spends”

See my post, dear OP. I have had time when my husband paid for everything and we uses his card, but I never lacked anything given to me , even things which are luxuries, like a haircut and so on for 150 pounds the lot. We are not rich but we did it with the money that he earns and I know how much he earns. I never insisted on anything expensive but I got many lovely things and experiences over the years. Can you ask him to pay for all the things that you need and the kids instead giving you a meagre budget and then he will see for himself how much money you and kids really need.

Apparently taking kids to a farm and taking them to a cafe ONCE of frittering the money away, but a man buying himself £70 rings and various meals out is okay because he deserves those ‘little treats’.

This thread is lunacy.

On £500 a month she can't afford it she has a car tho so she can go elsewhere and said so herself that those top ups need to stop. How about home delivery's?

I drive too but it's not worth 30 miles driving there and back just to save 20p. I try not to do top up shops too often but it's not always possible to get all the fresh stuff once a week. I don't buy coffee pods, whatever that's got to do with it. 🤣

Claiming claim Child Benefit regardless of earnings is often a good idea. Even if you pay it back in tax, it's useful as it's linked to National Insurance and State Pension. In case useful to anyone.