Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

There's some nuts responses on here OP. Please ignore the ones telling you you have budgeting issues. Some abusers like to lurk around on here to stick up for abusers. I guess they havent got anyone irl to abuse.

Even on Universal credit you would get more for yourself and two children, than £500. And that amount wouldnt change with child maintenance payments also for the bills . If you are not together any more you can still claim UC whilst living together. I suggest you speak to women's aid, because this is financial abuse. No way can you feed, clothe, entertain yourself and two small children on £500 per month without going over at times. Toiletries also I am guessing. He is taking a grand for himself and his 'savings' whilst leaving you with £500 for three of you, and I'm assuming some of his food also?

Or there wasn’t enough money given to cover everything in the first place

If I gave you £10 per week to feed a family of 4 with nappies and children’s clothes and you went overdrawn then would that make you bad with money?

£500 covers food alone and that is verging on being too little. Everything else is just going to eat into her overdraft.

Love the idea of people telling Rocky to get a job and telling her that her dh will be paying half the childcare fees

This is a guy who won’t give her money for nappies.

Yeah, it does make you wonder.

I just find the whole controlling behaviour so unlike my own experience.

I've been married over 30 years and we have adult DCs.

I can't get my head around young women now being controlled like this and not having equal access to money.

When we married, DH's current account where his salary went, was immediately put in joint names and I had access to it. (My income stalled then as I relocated 100s of miles to be where his work was, when we married.)

When we had kids and I didn't work for 4 years I had 100% equal access to all his income.

We had a budget and we were both sensible.

@Rockyrockrock You say your H is in the Forces.
I've read here- maybe true or not- that a lot of men in the forces are controlling or have 'issues' which is why they ended up in the Army in the first place.

Obviously this isn't all of them.

I don't understand how you've allowed yourself to be controlled for so long with no joint account.

Did you never wake up and realise it 2024 not 1924?

Your marriage doesn't sound like a partnership.

It seems he's suddenly decided that's what's his is his, not family.

On no evidence so yes I can be criticised but my immediate thought on reading the OP was that it isn't furniture he's saving for.

What you don't do is treat your partner like a child. You sit down together and work out a budget that covers all bills and spends for each of you. You don't spend £70 on a ring and then say to your partner they can't spend a few pounds on a day out in the school holidays.

If both of you have decided that the best thing for the family is for one person to be a SAHP then the earning partner doesn't become the boss. Both people should get a say and some control over the family budget.

OP it is a very, very unhealthy and manipulative action for one person to tell their partner they want a divorce every time there is an argument. It's extremely undermining particularly if you are not working so vulnerable financially. I would seriously explore how you can earn some of your own money, even if it's by working at weekends or working from home. You cannot trust this man. I don't think he respects you or has your interests at heart.

You're clearly struggling to admit you're wrong.

Exactly this. @Werweisswohin 's attitude is frankly, disgusting and frightening, in equal measures.

OP, he has mentioned divorce, so use that. Tell him that you need to sit down together with all bank/credit card statements and go through everything so that you can create a fair monthly budget for both of you. Tell him that if he won't do that then you are happy to proceed with a divorce.

If he wants you to stay home and not work, then he has to give you some money for day to day things.

Download the MSE budget planner. It is excellent as it covers all expenses. Include everything on it.

All expenses for the DC are family expenses, so he needs to pay enough to cover all bills, food, petrol/car expenses, DC clothing/entertainment etc into an account that you have access to. You should both each have an amount for small spending, ie coffee with a friend etc. Whatever is left over from working out the budget can be saved in a joint savings account.

Also discuss you getting a part time job, just a few hours a week so that you can contribute to the family pot.

If you are military, then is there anyone that you can talk to there, about him and his financial control?

I think he did actually provide nappy money (op just spent it elsewhere perhaps) but agree about the threats. 😔

I agree.

This isn't an equal relationship. It's bullying.

Also the fact he wanted a 3rd child makes it look as if he think his wife's role is to be at home with the kids, has no autonomy and he can control everything else.

OK with your updates OP YANBU the problem here is he's just imposed a budget on you without joint discussion.
Also it's his attitude is horrible threatening divorce, saying he doesn't have to give 'you' any money. It's HIS children you're taking care of.

I didn't say she shouldn't ever leave.
I said she she know all her options.
It is her choice, not mine or yours.

Nope.
Nice try though.

You do realise he went out for food and drinks with friends and left her alone with the kids. He has also spent money on himself to buy clothes and she hasn't. She needs to humble herself and apologise are you his mother?

op just spent it elsewhere perhaps

This is my last engagement with you. I think maybe you need to have some counselling to be honest, because your views are concerning. Your incessant need to blame the OP is worrying.

He told the OP he was giving her the money, then to ask for more when she needed. She spent money on taking her kids out. Then when she needed more, for essentials, he refused. Considering he had spent £70 on a fucking rung and meals out for himself, a few quid for a farm trip and a cafe visit is not an issue. The issue is his attitude and his desire to control the OP, with both money and the way in which he speaks to her and threatens her.

You need to ask yourself why you are determine to blame a victim for an abusers behaviour, because it’s not a good position to be in.

Did she prioritise buying essentials or not?

So after he got paid and transferred 500 to me, 128 to playgroup, 470ish for bills, he put 50 petrol in the car once and say he paid 100 for the food shop just before he gave my budget. He has left £852.
That's surely there to do whatever he wants with then.
I don't understand how he has no money?
Am I missing something?
She's spent money on amazon I can see for things,the night out ect, don't know how much..but he's been at work, not filing the car up because I have..
Where's it gone?
Am I genuinely missing something?
He also has a 300 overdraft so if necessary he can give me money to tide me over.

With regards to the divorce comments. He says this constantly whenever he's annoyed or we argue. Just says I'm done ect.
He doesn't even mean it.

Yes I agree the co op top ups are a problem because it's so expensive
I was doing it for convenience but definitely something to cut down on

If he wants you to be a SAHM then he needs to make the account shared and let you have free access to it. It's not "his" money, it's family money and you're earning your fair share of it by looking after the kids full time. If you weren't doing that and put them in a nursery 5 days a week the bill would be a hell of a lot more than £500.
Which, by the way, is nowhere near enough for food and petrol for a family of 4, let alone clothes and activities.
We're a family of 3 plus a dog and only our supermarket shops add up to around £600 a month. This is at Asda, not somewhere like Waitrose/M&S.
Also, £2100 after rent is very tight for a family of 4 to live on AND save significant amounts. I mean, sure, you CAN cut your lifestyle down to the bare bones, but if you want your kids to eat nutritious food, have decent clothes, enriching experiences and a holiday at least once a year then that costs money.
If he also wants to save but also doesn't want you to work then he needs to earn more money.
It sounds like your marriage isn't great though, so if I were you I'd be getting a job and planning how to get financially independent sharpish.

I don't understand how you've allowed yourself to be controlled for so long with no joint account.

Did you never wake up and realise it 2024 not 1924?

Lovely bit of victim blaming here. It’s almost like, abused partners don’t know it’s happening them, until they’re in it.

Ask him where it's going OP? What he's saving for? Could you try to sit down and discuss it?

Also, thanks for clarifying that he actually paid for the other things on top of the 500 - whati s the 500 meant to cover?

Sounds like you'd be better off ending the marriage and claiming benefits, tbh.
You're being financially abused.

This is one area the states does it better, especially in the military. When marriages that involve children break down in the military, the military deducts any owed child support from the service member's monthly pay and sends it directly to the parent with the children. No way around it. As it should be.

And also,
He's given me free access to the bank card for 8 years. I've always trusted him and didn't feel at risk.
I never thought he'd do this. Just seems to be doing it to punish me because he's angry with me.
Yes a job would really help me now but I do need some time for that and in the mean time he knows he's left me with nothing
Even if we'd split up, he has an obligation to me and the kids until I can get myself sorted surely.

That's a stretch, even based on your rhetoric. 😵‍💫

I dont know; this posters deep insight, her different experience of a "proper" marriage and how she acheived this so easily, her clear superior intelligence. Her ignorance, were interesting to me.

We should learn from her wisdom. We should learn.