Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

It’s why it doesn’t make sense. If they have no savings and he doesn’t appear to be splurging. Either the bills/debts are much higher than op knows.. there is savings. Or his doing drugs/gambling it all away.

He is clearly saving it.

This is all text book.

He's squirrelling it away I suspect.

I'd ask a family member to drive down and pick me up and the kids if you get desperate.

Maybe he's saving for a house deposit (thinking longer term), furniture, holiday, or maybe he's gambling it away or has a second life? Without a discussion OP might never know?
I can see how some folk think it's abuse, and it might well be. There's potentially more to it though too.

He's punishing his children and he wants another one!!

Quite possibly - OP needs to ask him though, it might be sinister or it might not. He definitely doesn't seem invested in the relationship either - they also need to openly discuss that.

I should imagine he's car insurance, tax, petrol, clothing birthday presents and all that jazz is going out of it. Nobody on 2100 with 3 other people to support is living lavish.

Tell everyone and anyone. Now.

I know that will be a brave move considering some absolute trolls on here. But you will regain control. You will feel so much more in control. Tell the powers that be in the military, get help.
Tell your GP.

Do not leave. You are a military wife. You have very young DCs you are protected.

IMO he suddenly realises it is YOU with the power (ironically) and HE is trying to control it and abuse you and grind you down.
I called it as soon as I read you post last night.

It screams financial abuse. Domestic abuse. Child abuse (if he has insulted you in front of DCs). Emotional abuse.

Take action now.

So after 470 bills is taken out of the 2100 there is 1630 left, he gives her 500 which she is using all for food for family and petrol and keeps 1130 for what? If all bills are covered and she has bought the food.

If you're in military housing then I understand wanting to put more into savings so that you're not all homeless when he leaves.

I mean it could be that, or a holiday or another woman, or just wanting to feel a little more secure, none of us can know.

But you've spent what you had, gone overdrawn and not covered the essentials. Which suggests you're bad with money and he is fed up.

Two ways to look at this:

COL is rising - it maybe he does not realise how much. Do you keep an accurate daily record of spending so he can see what things cost these days?

When you are trying to save things do need to be cut back on.

OR he could be saving it and planning to run off.

Either way I think there is a lack of transparency on both sides here.

Tell him you’re going back to work full time and he’ll have to pay half the cost of the childminder.
Tell him you’ll buy your own food and he can cook his own meals.

Better still, divorce him and have less stress in your life. Tell him he can have 50/50 custody so you can get on with your career and see your friends.

Why are you being over desperate to appease him?! Are you him?! You’re so desperate to vindicate his behaviour - you cannot vindicate the fact he wouldn’t give her more money for nappies!! Especially considering he told her he would give her money, she simply need ask. Now he is refusing to let her get the basics for her child and is content for her to go into debt.

How are you still saying things like ‘it may not be sinister’?

She needs to leave him. He is abusing her, but either way the relationship is over and instead of trying to chat to him, she needs to leave. Enough.

She needs to ask him, none of us can know this - perhaps bills are more, perhaps they'll need savings down the line (house, car).

OP needs to know all her options.
Trying to talk is potentially an option.

He’s planning on divorcing you. You need to see a lawyer as soon as you can.

Won't they both have to cover their own expenses then, so 50% childcare each?

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

In which case why did you stop working after kids?

To a man who wants to leave her? To a man who thinks it’s okay not to put their kid in nappies?

No, no it isn’t. If you think it is then your self worth, your view of women’s worth, is so low it’s in the ditch.

I mean she said he says that everytime they disagree or argue. Which is A dick thing anyway. So nobody here knows if he means it or it’s another yeah yeah ok cool whatever.

He gave her money for nappies (she just didn't prioritise buying nappies - on a tight budget essentials need to come first, before any cafes or entertainment, harsh as that might sound).They both need to be honest about how they feel and if they can move forward. It would be interesting to hear both 'sides'.
She may have no other option if he isn't open to discussion but she may wish to try. It's her choice, not ours.

Then she should leave him. Anyone who uses that in an argument is a twat, it’s a threat or an attempt at blackmail.

Regardless of the other points, I agree it's poor form to threaten leaving or divorce regularly.

Pack a bag and go and stay with a friend or family for a while, leave him with the kids. He will soon change his tune about how much money is needed to cover their costs and how he should appreciate what you do.

Once I was threatened with divorce a couple of times staying would feel violating and asking for nappies would feel too much like begging this would be over for me.