Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

like big items and furniture?

It would take more time than I can spare right now.

Regardless of whether the OP has “overspent”, her husband is being financially abusive. Not allowing joint access to family money, changing the online banking password, cutting up the bank card, withholding money, the OP having to be responsible for all essential shops out of her budget and threatening to divorce and leave her without money - these are all forms of financial abuse.

OP please try and find out as much information about your household finances, pensions etc as possible.

Why bother even entering into the discussion then? Oh dear is meaningless. Can't you accept that different things work for different people? Do you normally use non-factual terms?

No, she needs to leave him.

Ignore.
(Answered my own question).

You need to get a job, that’s my take-home pay and I only have one child and I’m struggling big time
universal credit will pay back 85% of your childcare costs and they can now get up to 30 hours free education which you will be entitled to. You need to get a job. He doesn’t have enough money to support you all that is a small salary £2100 after bills . I definitely would not be given my other half a card for £500 on it. Not affordable. Looks like he is struggling as well.
Forget cafes buy a flask and take your own hot drinks.
this situation would be a thousand find better if u was to get a job you’ll probably get more money on benefits if you are both working as well
you will also be entitled to some universal credit

Exactly this. He is being financially abusive, and controlling, and he should not be allowed to get away with it. He will have to share HIS half of HIS money when the OP divorces him. The courts will make sure of that.

It doesn’t sound like you’re spending a crazy amount TBH- just a normal amount when you’re comfortably off.

Sounds like he is being fairly controlling if you ask me… cutting off money to a spouse is pretty abusive.

I don’t think you can rely on his for money any more. Are you able to get a job and put your children into childcare? Do the military facilitate things like that?

And so he was wrong to decide by himself, yes? You’re really struggling to say that aren’t you? I wonder why.

Maybe.
It's her choice if she wants to have a discussion, or try to, or leave. None of us can tell her that, no matter how well meaning.

I'm not struggling to say anything, thanks.

So he takes home 2,100… transfers 500 to you op.

out of the remaining 1,600 where does it go do you know?

You said he purchased a £70 ring once, and a meal or two out plus some preowned clothes on vinted so he doesn’t sound like his splurging either. Is he gambling? Doing drugs?

What are the bills you count in the £470? Surely £470 doesn’t cover gas, electric, council tax, water, house insurance, car insurance, internet, tv subscriptions, mobile contacts, big shop, top up shops, petrol. Any over draft fee’s, loans? Credit cards?

Clearly op isn’t getting £500 fun money but I can’t see how their only bills are under £500 to leave this large amount it looks like he gets to keep himself either.

OK.

I think you should only be asking for extra money if there isn't enough for the essentials, and a little bit of fun money

Which is exactly what she is doing

I am unsure why everyone thinks that £500 per month for food for a family of 4 + clothes for 2 growing children and nappies is some huge sum of money that will allow for fun money as well.

Personally £2100 per month after rent I think is perfectly achievable to keep a family of 4 if bills are only £477 per month and nursery is £128

£2100 is the equivalent of at least £3400 per month or probably more, then having to pay for rent.

He is giving the same amount to cover all the other day to day expenses which then leaves him with £995 free for his fun money and £0 for Rockyrockrock after paying for food, clothes and nappies for 2 growing children and with more days of the month left after the money has run out.

Rather than getting a job I would go to Universal Credit as my first port of call as I would take him seriously when he says you are done and as someone about to divorce you will start to receive benefits that will eventually help you back into work.

Also help with renting your own place.

Even if you went out and got a job the problem would be affording childcare to actually do the job because I can’t see him helping to pay for any such thing

I think financially you would be better off on your own with your children and instead of begging for money to feed your children he would be paying you CM and you would have help with childcare and rent would probably be fully covered and you wouldn’t have another mouth to shop for and on top of that you could start working

Just mmake sure he knows that you will no longer be cooking and shopping for him

You don’t think an abused woman should leave her abuser? Well aren’t you a bundle of feminism.

You can argue all all you want that it’s his money, but even if it is, even if she were overspending, he’s abusing her financially and with his attitude.

So your supposed to buy all the food with very little cash? I'd buy the cheapest shit you can for the nightly meal like 20p tin of beans and cheap bread and make that go around the four of you every night. When he moans say it all that realistically you can afford going on the last few weeks. Feed the kids something nutrious at lunch time, feeding just the three you well at lunch also will save you money. Which he will be delighted to hear.

Longer term I'd think about how you can get back to work once the kids are older and possibly leave him. He sounds abusive

How is they fair
£500 for 2 adults 2 kids

then the other £1000 plus just for the man (2adult) to play with

that’s fair ?!

This looks like financial abuse. Your DH has told you he’s done. This relationship is over.

You need legal advice and to make a claim for UC. If you are a military family, isn’t there some kind of liaison officer you can go to who might shame him into buying some fucking nappies as a bare minimum.

It's too late for the OP but a friend shopped at Asda because she could buy the children clothes etc. the statement just showed ASDA she disposed of the receipts anyway.

She did leave him but not before buying stuff and hiding it at a friends house for her new home. She then packed up children and stuff and drove away.

I think because it is an MOD house then things aren’t quite the same as living in a normal rental

Having said that I don’t spend much more in my house without any mortgage or rent taken off

Also all shopping, clothes shopping etc is covered by the £500 he gives Rocky

Liaison officer is a good idea but civilians can rent military housing. So she'd have to check. If he's MOD I'm not sure.

We don't know what other expenses are coming out of the £1000 though, people are assuming it's "just for him'.