Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

You’re right, I’m not open to discuss the OPs clear and obvious abuse with someone who is desperate to deny it and says they need more ‘facts’. There have been enough facts given. You don’t need anything more. Except maybe to drag your mentality out of the past.

The attitudes on this thread are horrendous.

It does matter actually, for tax purposes, benefit purposes, legal purposes, child support purposes and so on.

Is that how marriages work then? I assume you also see it the same way when it’s the other way around, as in, she created the children, so she gets final say over any issues that come up, yes? Or does that suddenly sound fucking mental?

It's NOT all the family's expenses.

Keep on with that narrative! All the men will want you, I’m sure.

Read other replies to this please. 🫣

She isn't.
The other income covers other bills.

Sure.

I am confused.

Op says she does the food shops then, that she does the top up and he has paid for the actual food shop. The money she gets isn’t enough to do all the food shopping and everything else. Especially if he has £1000 left over.

and are the nappies usually part of the food shop? And op buys top ups?

I think there definitely communication issues. Op says she agrees they need to save up for some big items. And absolutely could be financial abuse. But it also could be that Op has spent money over and above what they have, talked to her and nothing has changed. You see that from female posters all the time. Having to watch all the money and make the decisions because their partner just keeps spending.

By the 20th op has spent nearly £700 and gone into her over draft. That’s a lot of money, especially if the food shop is coming out of what he has left (the £1000). Then he is saving for things they need, that op agrees are needed.

But whatever is happening it’s not working and seems to have gone from one extreme to another.

It clearly wasn’t working before and it’s not working now.

Narrative? 😬

You lost me at 'it's HIS INCOME!' @Werweisswohin Do you withhold money from your wife as well?

I feel like I've been transported back to the 1940s or 1950s with this attitude. To hell with the fact that the OP's husband is the one doing the paid employment, it's FAMILY MONEY. She gets to decide what's done with it as well. Capiche?

@Rockyrockrock OP, I think you need to start making some plans to get out of this marriage. I wouldn't say LTB on a whim like some posters say on some other threads, but it seems that your DH is intent on leaving YOU and your DC when it's convenient for him. Make sure you leave him first! He sounds horrific.

Because you keep an eye on your account and have an open dialogue. When getting towards a zero you ask for more / discuss it and if they money doesn’t come you stop spending?

Everything should be discussed as a couple - I didn't say he should get the final say on finances, not sure where you got that idea.

I don't have a wife, I have a husband. We discuss finances. Anything he earns is his income, anything I earn is my income. We pool resources and discuss budgets. How is that old fashioned exactly?

Also going to the co-op isn't a good idea for £20 top up shops I'd be heading off to an aldi or lild if I was on a small budget.

Really hard to tell
are you over spending on unnecessary things, i.e. buying clothes which aren’t necessary cutting out trips because the budget doesn’t allow for them et cetera. He needs to sit down and break down his finances to you. That way you have more of an idea of what you can, and can’t spend.
but the biggest issue here is him saying you are not together anymore. What is all that about?

is he saying because you are spending his money and he is resenting it?
maybe he doesn’t value you as an equal because of it although you’re bringing up the children most moms do work to contribute unless the children are all under 3.
what was the agreement on how much you can spend on the card? How much does he earn?
I would seriously be considering getting a job of my own If I were you just in case anything happens you need some finances to fall back on how old are the children I wouldn’t be relying solely on his income if I am able to work at least some hours per week
you can get Childcare three from nine months after a certain amount each week, and if you are receiving universal credit, you can get 85% of those childcare cost back
also there is Tax Free Childcare available but all of this is based on your husbands income and your entitlements

It's not a narrative. The family will have other expenses, presumably, which don't come from the "household' budget.

He didn’t discuss it with her, so you agree he’s in the wrong then and shouldn’t be behaving this way?

Oh dear.

Exactly my thoughts when he was in love ❤️ it was OUR resources now he's not it's you are spending my money resentment... I'm not saying its right I'm saying this is clearly how HES feeling. Is divorce frawned upto in the military? I think that's the only reason he's not left and now he's taking he's frustrations out on op.

This. If you live in rented accommodation and don't want to move, kick him out. Get the locks changed and inform landlord. If you're buying, well still kick him out change the locks etc. DO NOT LEAVE THAT HOUSE!
Contact Citizens advice and also contact Police, they prob won't do anything, however, it will get ahead of things if he's on the books as controlling. See a solicitor for better advice than we can all give you.

Care to elaborate on why you think 'oh dear?

"He's been angry and threatened to divorce me."

As they say on Mumsnet, he is getting his ducks in a row. He is getting his finances in order in preparation for a divorce. You need to prepare yourself too.

They both need to be more proactive in discussing finances.

He doesn't sound like he's good at talking respectfully.

Can't you both agree to save?You should be interested in saving by skimping on some of what you normally would spend money on.

If you want to save for a large item or have a savings pool why not? ... shop at op shops, entertain the kids in ways that cost no money, eat less costly dishes, no junk food, no alcohol, no soft drinks. Discuss together when you want to splurge on a special outing or a new fridge etc.

It is quite unusual that you had a completely free rein on household spending up until now. It will take a while for you to adjust - equally your husband needs to adjust to speaking respectfully about how to save. He also needs to like giving full disclosure to you about family earnings, insurances, savings etc.