Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

Op he sounds very controlling.
What do you want?

Is there a military family officer you could speak to?
Or some sort of relationship councilling?

Because unless something changes your relationship is doomed.
He can't demand you stay at home, giving up your independence and then for him not to give you equal access to money.

He is financially abusing you which is a form of domestic abuse and a way of exerting control over you.

In a marriage where one partner stays at home you are both working, one inside the home and one outside. The income is generated by both partners as the partner providing childcare and domestic labour is enabling the other partner to work outside the home. Therefore, both partners are equally entitled to any income generated. In an equal partnership, both partners should have equal access to that money and any budgeting should be done as a partnership.

This is an abusive relationship and you need to find a job ASAP and leave.

What? Where’s the OPs treat?! He gives her £500 a month to pay for all the families expenses, including his, meanwhile she looks after two kids and takes on the home responsibilities for nothing.

Why are people on this thread stuck in the 50s?!

I must admit, when I read your first post I did wonder if it was because you were a little irresponsible with money and so had to be set a strict budget. However, after looking at the figures you have provided I now think a little differently. You have separate accounts and he is controlling the money. You are in a joint partnership (you as a SAHM and him as the earner) but he is earmarking 1000 for himself and 500 for you after bills. You mentioned that he has given you less because as a family you need to save but he is putting money in his saving account, not yours. They are not your savings. He is also being seen to pay the bills with you just getting spending money (on a card in his name?). You need to think carefully about this setup. The first thing is, can you get a job to regain some financial independence? There are loads of jobs now where you can work from home. You also need to see if you can save a little too (in a little account just for you). This does not sound like healthy relationship and he is pulling all the strings. If he also tells you the relationship is over every time you argue then unfortunately OP it is, in his opinion. It might not actually be over now (ie that you are not making plans to separate) but that’s not to say that it isn’t on the cards for the very near future. You need to think of yourself now and start lining things up for you (money, job etc). You would be very naive if you didn’t.

seriously?
His income wouldn’t cover childcare a month for two kids .
So what he works does OP not work and keep two humans alive ??

“Applesonthelawn · Today 09:36
If a couple decide that one will be a SAHP, it really only works well if there is complete trust and openness about the income of the working parent and how the available money will be split. A budget is normally necessary, just so there is agreement about how much goes on food, clothes, leisure, savings, etc. It seems the OPs budget was imposed upon her without her being able to agree what else money was being spent on or how much she actually needed. Without that initial agreement, she feels the current way is infantilising, which it is. Controlling of him, invaliding for her. She doesn't really need people commenting on her spending. She needs help to have the open adult conversation with her husband about what the right budget should be. If he is not open to that, it implies his urge to control her is inconsistent with her remaining a SAHP to this man's children.”

This with bells on. And £500 for the month sounds too low if it’s supposed to include all the food for a family of 4. And I agree that I would be unimpressed if my H was keeping me short of money and buying a ring (a ring FFS) for £70. Cutting up the card and changing account details is abusive behaviour. And it doesn’t just hurt you; it hurts your children. You can’t trust him if he is willing to behave like that. He’s not a safe husband to have.

I think that in among all of the posts there are valid points for both sides. The way he has gone about this is concerning, controlling behaviour. But just being able to spend money as and when you want on a salary of £2100 is pretty unrealistic, particularly when the cost of living is so much higher now, There needs to be a middle ground, an open honest discussion and ops husband has been a shit by not doing that. Unless there has been many discussions in the past about budgeting, to no avail. It really sounds like a marriage in trouble, can you not try and sit down together and talk about things?

Absolutely this my husband would never do this. If he had concerns about my spending he'd sit me down and we would talk about it.

Honestly, he doesn't sound like a good man. And I would be thinking about leaving him and getting a job of my own.

He isn’t giving her £500 per month just to spend on herself
The £500 per month is to pay for shopping, kids clothes, nappies, toys etc and all the other little things that come with running a household outside of the monthly bills

£500 would barely cover food.

I think he will find divorce a lot more expensive than £500 per month.

(Probably one of those husbands who think if he is paying for everything then he will be entitled to everything)

They aren’t right . He gives OP £500 for a family of 4 for fuel and all the shopping , kids clothes and unless he is trying to keep her in doors 24/7 then days out .
She has no money for herself

He on the other hand has £1000 plus in his pocket and can buy jewlery, clothes and nights out .

Im going one step further . He is saying they are over as this man is doing what he likes and I’d bet it involves other women.

Trips out with the children can be very expensive. Buying clothes when there is no need is a waste of money. You knew how much money you had been given to spend, you should have budgeted for the essentials first, with non- essential items coming from what was left after spending on the essentials. Children really do NOT need to be entertained all the time and there are plenty of free activities they could be doing. I think you should only be asking for extra money if there isn't enough for the essentials, and a little bit of fun money.

Having said that - I do think your DH should give you a little more to cover the essentials this month - but not to spend on non-essentials. And you both need to sit down and discuss what is needed for the essentials and how much you should each have for personal spending before the rest goes into savings.

If, as you say, you don't know how much he gets each month then you could have been overspending. You say you need some expensive items, perhaps there is no chance of getting those at the previous rate of spending without getting into debt. Perhaps he is worried about his job and wants to keep some money back in case he loses it. Maybe he is just being sensible, but going about it in rather a cack-handed way.

You need to talk about it.

I don’t think £500 plus child benefit (so £650) a month is a lot to cover food and presumably toiletries etc for a family of 4, nappies, petrol and her own phone bill plus clothes and anything extra needed.

I try to budget £340 a month for food and toiletries etc. (approx. £80 a week based on a 4 week month) for a household of 2 and struggle to stick to it, often going over and I don’t have nappies to buy so I think for 4 of them the weekly shop could easily take up £400-£500 a month on its own. Depending on the car type and fuel efficiency we can probably assume petrol is costing £80 (based on sole usage) a month. Phone contract possibly around £20 a month thats the £500-600 a month gone just on household basics. That leaves best case scenario £150 or £50 for other stuff. Kids can change shoe size every 6 weeks during growth spurts, a decent pair for one child could be £30 on their own.

Yes I agree with budgeting and meal planning this is doable but its tight when she gets absolutely nothing for herself whilst it sounds like he's spending a couple of hundred pounds a month purely on himself before then squirrelling away £700-800 a month, thats a lot to put away each month when your spending on yourself and your wife is going without. Does OP not also deserve new clothes, a bit of make-up, the occasional hair cut or night out? It’s not that he can’t afford it by the sounds of it it’s just that he’s choosing to prioritise himself.

OP this is no kind of life. Honestly I’d leave and claim maintenance, you’d be better off. It definitely sounds like financial abuse to me, seek help and advice from women's aid.

Hold up. Let’s not paint this man as
some kind of great person because he gave his wife, SAHM to their joint children, £500 to pay for food shops, petrol, all the stuff 2 under 5s need, phone bill and probably other things.
“He gives her £500 so should be allowed a treat occasionally” indeed

The OP getting a job herself is a great idea in theory- and she definitely should aim for that once she hopefully dumps this twat. But. I foresee a man who’s going to sabotage that for her. I could be wrong but personal experience says differently.

Op is running the household a husband and two kids on £500 a month ffs .

I wonder where people’s heads are at on here sometimes.

he doesn't get a massive salary, but I imagine you get army housing?
I think you need to both sit down & work out a budget. I am not saying you over spend. but if he sees it written down he might understand.
In the mean time do not buy him any food. If savings need to be made, obviously the children eat before he does.

I believe there's a social worker type person in the Army set up ?
Tell him you will have to go & ask for help as there no more nappies.

It's financial abuse, OP. I would be making plans to leave, because this isn't going to get any better.

Do you have any income of your own? Family nearby? You need to start making a plan. Speak to a solicitor and get things in order. Don't tell him you're doing this - he's already three steps ahead of you by the sounds of it.

I think some are desperate to defend men and others are desperate to attack an OP, no matter what.

This. There are some awful replies on this post.

Please speak to women’s aid and a family solicitor. You are vulnerable here if it’s military housing and rented, and he is holding the purse strings and not leaving you enough to feed and clothe the kids and yourself. Citizens advice may also be able to help with housing and benefits entitlement. I would also start looking for a job to be able to support yourself.

Ideally you need a joint account that his money goes into and all bills and food come out of, and a separate account each in which an equal amount of money goes into each month for personal spending.

As soon as you can you should try to find a job as if you do separate the longer you haven't worked for the more you'll be disadvantaged.

I've not seen one person defend him not putting nappies on he's daughters butt. I've seen people explaining where they feel he's heads at. What he's potential thoughts are... and only a couple of people think £500 is workable I certainly don't!

I'm not 'wrong' lol.
You just aren't open to discussion other than that agreeing with you.

Household money should go in a joint account with an agreed % of personal money sent to each person, in my opinion. Have a rough budget and discuss any large sends before hand.

However, I don't think money is the issue here. Its communication. If he/you can't communicate effectively and listen respectfully then problems will continue to escalate. Has it always been like this?

Can't believe some of the replies on this thread. WTAF. No wonder abusive men get away with so much, when women on mumsnet can't wait to join in with the abuse. It's fucking gross; you should be ashamed of yourselves.

OP, ignore the idiots. This is clearly financial abuse and there are resources you can seek out. Women's Aid would be a good place to start.

Surely it's common sense to know that £500 from a total income of £2K is a fair chunk?
Again though, they need to budget together.