Husband refusing to give me money

[Rockyrockrock]

Hi everyone.

So my husband and I have been having some trouble getting along lately. He's been angry and threatened to divorce me. I thought we were working through it though.

I am a stay at home mum and since I left work I've had his bank card and have always just used it as needed. He was fine with this. I get child benefit paid into my own account aswell but we don't have a joint account.

Last month he said he was going to start saving (we do need to buy various things-some big items and furniture ect)

He told me he'd transfer me an amount and then save the rest at the end of the month. Said if I ran out I could ask.

I hated this..not because I'm a massive spender but I always worked and had my own income until I had the kids and having to ask for money and be put on a budget made me feel like a child.

Anyway..it's now the 20th and I have £30 left...of my overdraft. I've done several food shops, several petrol top ups, kids activities, kids new clothes. Nothing for me, just normal every day kid things.

I told him I need more. He said no.

What am I going to do? He shrugs and says shouldn't have spent it all. He needs to save. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't believe him for a second that he's ran out.

How have I been using his card for these kinds of purchases for years and we've never run out before?

We can't save if we don't have the money..or we need to save less.

I said what about your kids. He says there's food in the house, you can go out to the park, you don't have to pay to do things.

I mean..okay I could sit in not do anything but I mean it's summer holidays, I've got two kids to entertain, I've also got a phone bill to pay for, nappies to buy ect ect. And don't control my money? It's meant to be ours together, not his to decide what to do with

We argued about this and he said "well I'm done. We're not together now so I don't have to give you anything"
I don't even know what he's so angry about today and why he's doing this.

What the fuck
He's saying it's my fault for not being careful enough with my budget but that's just how much things are...it's always the same.
Maybe I did spend too much, I could have not taken the kids on the day to the farm/to the cafe ect but even so..to take the card and tell me i can't have any more money??

I wonder if some posters are not aware of the marriage contract in the UK.
In other partsof Europe marriage contracts are less favourable.

OP, you will be fine. You will be better off or have more time to be better off, that is for sure. Leave asap. See a lawyer asap.

I am off now.

I do implore any other lurkers who are suffering clear domestic abuse to not be influenced by the very many odd posts on this thread. They are not correct in British law in a married family situation. Especially a trailing spouse/military/very young DCs etc.

So he’s transferred you 500, which leaves him with 1000 to do whatever he likes with? And your 500 is supposed to cover the cost of food, petrol, whatever expense arises for a family of 4? 500 would barely cover the food bill for a family of 4. He is abusing you, not only with finances but the constant threat to leave you, this is his attempt to control you, to shut you up when you say something he doesn’t like. I’d start planning my exit, look for a job, do you have a support system outside of him?

See spent nappy money in a cafe, seriously?

Tongue in cheek but you get my point?

No.

Odd to need more detail?

You’re so determined to blame the OP with all your ‘his’ money and other posts.

Agree with @BlackStrayCat - anyone who is suffering who may be reading this, please ignore toxic posters who are desperate to side with a poor man. You have rights, you can get out. Don’t stand for this, it’s not okay.

Well if he's covering bills/rent/playgroup and giving her £500 he is using a large part of the income to support them he's not earning enough to support 4 people now he's heart isn't in it he's pissed off. I would immediately stop ✋️ household duties and be phoning around family looking for some respite!

No, I'm not.
I am determined to say that we need to see the bigger picture before jumping!
I also clarified the 'his money, family commitments' issue, if you care to read it.
As it is I've already stated my concerns - the apparent lack of discussion is the biggest red flag imho.

You should both be making the financial decisions
Anythung else is financial abuse
But it does sound like things are quite tight financially and you might need to cut back spending
Its a lot of pressure to be the sole eaner
I think you should get a job ,to help the family finances ,and for your own self respect

Don’t listen to all the men’s rights advocates on here today. Even if you were a massive over spender (which sounds unlikely) it is terrible behaviour in a relationship for one party to just unilaterally decide to cut off your access to joint funds instead of working out a reasonable budget and savings goal together.

It sounds like he has decided things are over between you and/or he has met someone else. I would start taking copies of important paperwork and get prepared for the worst unless he immediately backs down, opens a proper joint account and grovels for forgiveness.

You say you have £30 left of your overdraft - how big is your overdraft? I don’t understand how you can be that far down without warning. Surely you knew the money was gone and you continued to spend? In which case I can see the concern… not saying he’s gone around it in the right way - making a unilateral decision and then enforcing it but you seem to have gone through a LOT if he’s covering all of the bills…

I think you should’ve been more careful - tried a few careful supermarket shops, kids clothes can be from vinted as they go through them so quickly etc. and seen what you can get by on.

Then again kids are expensive and there are some things you do just need. For example I’d never compromise on well fitting, decent shoes for my daughter. When she needs those she needs them and we find the money. Has he explained what will happen when they’re needed as they can be £35-£45 A PAIR from Clark’s or start rite or the likes, or is this an enforced, no discussion “crack down”?

He cut the bank card up, she has no access to anything, which is a major red flag.

If according to him you aren’t together and are now separated then rearrange bedrooms to find a place for you to sleep. Separate your bathroom stuff from his. Don’t shop, cook or do anything for him anymore and go and sign on for Universal Credit and benefits as a single person separated from husband with children and get yourself a good divorce solicitor.

Having read all the OP’s replies so far, I think the instincts of the first few posters is right and it sounds more and more like financial abuse. This is mostly because he’s basically set the OP up to be completely dependent on him. And changed the rules regarding her spending. “Here’s some money, if you need more just ask” and when she does- because the baby needs nappies- he says no. OP will never be able to win at this because he’s not going to let her. To the point she’s on Mumsnet pondering whether £8 is too much for a day out with her children and maybe she shouldn’t have bought her child clothes she needs.

Have read your posts, you’re still wrong.

And that’s not the biggest red flag, the biggest red flag is a man who thinks it’s acceptable to control his wife in this manner. Stop defending the ‘poor men’ and start advocating for women. All your shit about ‘she spent nappy money in the cafe’, where do you get off?

Op sorry to say this but has he taken his Card back so you don’t see what he is spending .?Nights out , new clothes , threatening divorce , blocking you out with no passwords .

All while taking from the kids and no more money for nappies .
I think you have to seriously look at what is going on and I don’t think you are .
Listen to his words and watch his actions before you get the shock of your life.

I mean a new ring seriously but no money for kids clothes or trips over summer or nappies . Wtf

He is a wrong one .

Oh and he’s cut up the bank card so she can’t access anything at all, cash, information, anything. His money is definitely his money.

I also think he's meet somebody else and that he wants her to divorce him!

Also look into financial abuse

I would also look for any evidence of his pension , investments, savings and salary and anything else he has and photograph the statements.

Tbh the whole family sounds like they’re on a fairly limited budget.

Your DH is right about saving. At some point you will need to acquire a house as presumably he will leave the military at some point.

I think it’s important you get a job. If your eldest is 4now presumably they will start school in sept? (Assume you’re not posted overseas)

Getting a job will give you more financial independence in the relationship and if you split you will need a job anyway. I think it is what you need to be concentrating on - making sure you’re not in a position to be controlled and also planning for the future.

How would you know the money was gone until he said she wasn’t getting any more

If you think this is an acceptable way for a woman to live you need your head checked.

OP- could you maybe chat with him that you are going to have to look for work, but this will mean childcare fees.
It’s a lot of responsibility for one person to financially run a household, bills and provide the money for everything. I know he bought himself a ring, but as a working person who is giving you £500 a month, he should be entitled to buy himself a treat occasionally.

It's hardly a pointless rant. Like I said, it doesn't matter what words you use. He has unilaterally changed the rules of the game and cut off the OP's access to money without any warning and without giving her the ability to earn any of her own. That's financial abuse.