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AIBU?

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Was I wrong to say this to sister ?

167 replies

AutumnalNights · 20/07/2024 20:06

She is 40, still at home. Works but it's low paid and she is single.
I am 34, just moved out with fiance , he is paying the mortgage which I know I am very fortunate for as I wouldn't be able to move out alone either.
Anyway I suggested sister should get a cat (family are on board) and she seemed really off with me and said 'Why does everyone keep saying that? If I get one it keeps me stuck here in the family home or is that what everyone wants?' Was this insensitive of me ? I just think it would be nice for her as realistically, saving up for her own flat in the area we live in will take many years and I'm not saying that nastily but we all know how tough it is out there. Why not have something that could give her some joy in the meantime ?

OP posts:
DisabledDemon · 21/07/2024 19:48

llizzie · 21/07/2024 18:44

You are absolutely right to get another cat. Cats thrive with a companion. I have memories of two kittens I had, siblings. One day one got lost. I walked the streets on the estate, calling his name, and behind me I heard a miew and though it was the missing one, but it was actually his brother following me, crying with me. He was distressed to a point I had not realised. When we could not find him, I rang the local vet who told me someone had found him and had him at home.

The relief for both of them was obvious,

Thank Heavens! I'm so glad you found him.

choccytime · 21/07/2024 19:56

Yes you were wrong to say that to your sister . You come over as smug and cruel . You were 34 when you moved out .. with your 'fiance' well good for you

Kjpt140v · 21/07/2024 20:59

AutumnalNights · 20/07/2024 20:21

She loves cats I should have said in my first post.

Don't know why people are judging living situations, very judgemental when you look at the price of properties and if you are on a single income it's doubly hard.

Yes, I know I am lucky but no I am not smug.

Aren't you the one who is doing the judging?

llizzie · 21/07/2024 21:16

I have had cats for years. When my Sammy died, I would have loved to have another cat, or two, but being disabled I would have had to ask others to help me care for it - them, and it is very expensive to care for a pet if you consider the vet bills.
I do the cat lottery, run by the Cats Protection, so am not so distant from them. My past experiences with cats is just wonderful.

LoveHearts69 · 21/07/2024 21:24

Wow I thought my brother was bad still leeching off my parents at 30! 🤣

Please tell me you at least moved back in with them recently and you haven’t been there for the entire 34 years of your life and still not able to contribute to your partners home 🤯

You have no need to be smug at all, you don’t sound like you’ve made the best life decisions yourself.

llizzie · 21/07/2024 21:40

An interesting thread, is this. I have often wondered why people have a cat. If it is for companionship?
Cats I have had want more than that, unless you regard companionship as 'belonging'. The two are not necessarily the same. The cats in my life have been amazing. Every cat I have had was treated like the children and fed three times a day when we ate. The very first cat I worried my mum for was a ginger tom. I begged and begged for a cat, and mum said she would only have a ginger tom. Now who finds a ginger tom fast? A few days later a friend took me to the cobbler, and behind the counter were kittens, and there was one ginger one, and a tom. Surprised, mum relented. That cat had what we had: meat and two veg, and on a plate like ours. When we had fish, I had to take the bones out, because it was my cat.

All my subsequent cats had meals with us, though I never tried the meat and two veg menu. It was always cat food. When I brought the shopping home, they used to be there watching what I bought, just like the children. That was when I had three. One was a female rescued from a farmer's gun. She mated with the same cat, a black Manx, never any other. Her kittens were usually black like him without tails, or tabby like her with tails. Occasionally a mix of tails and colours, but only ever black or tabby. It was only seeing - from the top deck of a bud - a black cat racing across the fields towards our house that I discovered who the father was. We had a long passage from the kitchen door, and I used to watch her bringing a live mouse in, and making the kits catch it. If they didn't, she cuffed them. They were in great demand, those kittens, never had a problem offloading them. When she broke her hip we spayed her.

Toptops · 21/07/2024 22:00

Get a cat yourself.
Get off her case.
Get a job.

VickyPollard25 · 21/07/2024 22:40

KatiesMumWoof · 20/07/2024 20:09

If she wanted a cat, she'd have got a cat (with parents agreement) why do you think she needs her younger smug sister who has been 'rescued' by a man telling her to get a cat?

take your smugness out of her face.

Thank you @KatiesMumWoof , I picked up the same smugness. And I can’t imagine why anyone would feel smug having been living at home with Mum and Dad at 34 and moving out only to live off someone else!

VickyPollard25 · 21/07/2024 22:44

AutumnalNights · 20/07/2024 20:21

She loves cats I should have said in my first post.

Don't know why people are judging living situations, very judgemental when you look at the price of properties and if you are on a single income it's doubly hard.

Yes, I know I am lucky but no I am not smug.

Most people move out in their 20s! If you can’t afford to rent or buy in your own you can get flatmates.

as someone else said, your poor parents!

VickyPollard25 · 21/07/2024 22:49

Nousernamesleft224566 · 20/07/2024 20:39

No, she's got a fiancé though.

😂😂😂

VickyPollard25 · 21/07/2024 23:40

Whyamiherenow · 21/07/2024 17:32

I wouldn’t have suggested this. But this is because of my own reasons. I bought my first house when I was 32 ish. It felt old. I know it wasn’t. I was single. Long story short I ended up with a cat although I never wanted one. I still have this cat and love it. I’m married with children. People still get me

crazy cat lady

gifts. I hate it. I successfully dispose of them all to charity shops.

I feel I’m still followed by the stigma of having been a single woman with a cat. Even 8 + years later.

It is a real societal stigma that I wouldn’t wish on anybody unless they really wanted a cat. I wouldn’t suggest it.

I had a male colleague I barely knew mocking a client by saying she was probably a sad, middle aged cat lady. I just looked at him and asked what is wrong with having cats as I have 2. He acted like I should be ashamed. Never have been and never will be. My relationship with all my pets outlasted my marriage to a man…

NoDought · 22/07/2024 08:55

You have only just moved out yourself and are probably sounding like her life coach. She sounds like she has already said she doesn’t want a cat, just leave it.

IamnotSethRogan · 22/07/2024 09:12

Well, with all do respect, you say you're not smug but there was literally no reason for you to mention your living situation on this post...

1offnamechange · 22/07/2024 10:46

AutumnalNights · 20/07/2024 20:21

She loves cats I should have said in my first post.

Don't know why people are judging living situations, very judgemental when you look at the price of properties and if you are on a single income it's doubly hard.

Yes, I know I am lucky but no I am not smug.

It's hard but far from impossible, as evidenced by the fact that the vast majority of women in their 30s/40s aren't still living with their parents, single or otherwise.

I bought my own house 5 years ago aged 28 without a partner or any deposit from parents etc, at that point earning less than £25k, purely from working since I was 16 (including through school and uni), saving hard and living in pretty grim shared accommodation to be able to do so. Pretty much all of my friends had moved out by their late twenties at the latest - they afforded it through a mixture of things, e.g. one joined the army so didn't have student loans, a few worked in dubai etc for a few years where they could earn a lot of money quickly without paying tax, one or two bought proper do-er uppers and worked to do them up every evening and weekend after finishing their main job, others got second jobs etc.

I actually don't think there is anything wrong with living with your parents for as long as you want IF all parties are happy with it, but if you don't want to, most people could afford to move out if that was their priority, even if its to a shared flat or somewhere in the UK that's not as expensive, they just would have to either save up a bit beforehand or make some sacrifices.

Presumably your parents weren't charging you full rent, so if you've both worked full time since 18/21 then you've had 15/20 years to save some money - even on a low wage (my first full time job after graduating was only £14500 in 2012!), saving £100 a month would be £24k over 20 years, plus interest, in a H2B ISA you'd have over £30k.

So I agree with the pps, you sound smug but you both sound a bit drippy.

veganmayo · 22/07/2024 11:30

Sorry but I would find that so patronising. If she wanted a cat she would get one wouldn’t she?

Excited101 · 22/07/2024 12:48

You’ve been massive insensitive and I’m shocked you can’t see that. It was a patronising, stereotyping comment which probably came across rather smug from someone who is ‘set up’.

BlackCatsForever · 22/07/2024 13:33

This thread is bonkers! So much projection 😂 Offensive to suggest someone might enjoy having a cat but ok to call OP a prostitute in so many words. Madness!

I wasn’t embarrassed to have a cat when single in my 30’s - imagine being that insecure? If I hadn’t allowed myself to be persuaded to give my previous cat a home I would have missed out on so much joy.

And for the people saying “if she wanted a cat she would get one” - I wanted a cat but lacked confidence that I could give a cat a decent life. Thankfully my friend persuaded me, as my cat had a long and happy life first with me and then ultimately with me, DH and our cat-loving DC.

Couldn’t have cared less about any stupid stereotype - people are individuals not stereotypes, and stereotypes are made up. No such thing as a Crazy Cat Lady - just people, some of whom like cats and some of whom don’t. 🤷‍♀️

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