Was I wrong to say this to sister ?

[AutumnalNights]

She is 40, still at home. Works but it's low paid and she is single.
I am 34, just moved out with fiance , he is paying the mortgage which I know I am very fortunate for as I wouldn't be able to move out alone either.
Anyway I suggested sister should get a cat (family are on board) and she seemed really off with me and said 'Why does everyone keep saying that? If I get one it keeps me stuck here in the family home or is that what everyone wants?' Was this insensitive of me ? I just think it would be nice for her as realistically, saving up for her own flat in the area we live in will take many years and I'm not saying that nastily but we all know how tough it is out there. Why not have something that could give her some joy in the meantime ?

This is hilarious @AutumnalNights. You set up an AIBU and because the vast majority of people have told you that you were indeed unreasonable, you've decided to abuse everyone and piss off. Why bother?

Not sure why you thought that was a helpful thing to say? You did sound a bit smug with your own life and I think that adds to the feeling that you’re been a bit (albeit unintentionally) unkind.

Of course you were wrong to say it. She’s told you that. She found it insensitive and it upset her. Why come on mumsnet to try to justify it? Just apologise to her and move on.

I know, right?

But I'm so upset @AutumnalNights hasn't come back, I was sure we had a few more "I have a fiance!" to come!!

Presumably she suggested a cat as company for her sister - if she was married she wouldn't necessary need company.

I had at one stage five cats as a single woman - I never felt as though anyone saw me as a crazy cat lady, nor did I think that way of a married friend who had 4 or 5, or a single friend, with a child, who had 6. I hardly think that one cat is going to invite such comments.

Oh for the days when people didn't take offence over every little thing ..... 🙁

I would be telling my sister to get a grip (and silently understanding why she was single)

People are so clueless aren't they. I remember my 30th birthday and my nan saying "I don't know, 30 and no husband or children!" she'd stopped pulling that sort of shit (she used to do it to my older brother but chilled out in later years so I never really got it that bad) but decided my literal 30th birthday was the day to rub it in. Good job I didn't care as a DH and kids is not something I particularly want.

I remember when I was a kid, my grandad has recently died and my grandmother moved back to the area to be near family and friends.

She was mind 60s, had a rocking social life and went on about 6 holidays a year.

My aunt absolutely insisted she needed a cat. GM said a firm no. Not a particular cat fan. Aunt gave her a kitten anyway. GM now saddled with cat she didn't want, cost her money and found a PITA. My aunt then had the audacity to be irritated when she was expected to look after the cat when GM went on her numerous travels. (Once I hit my teens I took over and was paid handsomely though, so worked out well for me)

Not all single woman want a cat!

I love cats but there's no way I could dedicate 15+ years to one including all the worry and expense. Also think it's funny that just because you moved out you now think she's lonely and needs a cat for company 😆

Has she considered moving to the USA? According to Vice Presidential candidate JDVance, "We are effectively run in this country…by a bunch of childless cat ladies..."

Come help!! 🐈🐈🐈

😆

Why get a cat if she doesn't have much money? I thought pets were expensive. Seems like a weird suggestion to me.

I don't think it's the cat suggestion that is so insulting.

You clearly feel that you are so lucky and indirectly suggested to your sister that her life is miserable and needs some kind of improvement.

She can perhaps sense that you are trying to boost your self-esteem at her expense.

The vibe I got from your first post is "I am the luckier sister with better life"

So condescending.

@ForGreyKoala I think people did get offended they just didn't realise they should/could say so

Op, you asked if you said something wrong to your sister and you're now getting defensive at the answers. Yes it was insensitive and weird. No you may not have intended it that way. Just say sorry to your sister and explain.

Maybe a cat symbolises more to your sister then just a cat .
Maybe it means she will be alone forever and she thinks that's what everyone believes.
Not that I believe having a partner is the only way to have a happy life.
But I do agree getting a house is ridiculous now. And rents have gone up and up .

FFS if I was your sister I'd be pissed off with you as well!

I wouldn’t have suggested this. But this is because of my own reasons. I bought my first house when I was 32 ish. It felt old. I know it wasn’t. I was single. Long story short I ended up with a cat although I never wanted one. I still have this cat and love it. I’m married with children. People still get me

crazy cat lady

gifts. I hate it. I successfully dispose of them all to charity shops.

I feel I’m still followed by the stigma of having been a single woman with a cat. Even 8 + years later.

It is a real societal stigma that I wouldn’t wish on anybody unless they really wanted a cat. I wouldn’t suggest it.

I wouldn't be taking advice off someone who didn't move out until 34, sorry. Pot, kettle and all the that..

This did leap out at me too!

Beyond smug..,

The idea of getting a cat is not a sophisticated notion. Presumably it’s something your sister could have thought of for herself. So yes I do think you were unreasonable to suggest it. Notwithstanding you do not feel smug, you might have sounded it. Or perhaps just a bit patronising. I’m sure you meant it kindly but she is not unreasonable to be a bit offended. If you generally get on well then I expect it will blow over soon.

After my fiancé died and in the years before I met my husband, I was very glad of my cat! I didn't see it as a substitute for living and certainly didn't see it as an admission that I had given up.

Then, when I got my own house again, I bought another cat so that I had two - and I certainly didn't think that I was a 'mad old catlady'. If anyone had remarked on it, my response would have been, 'Yes - and your point is ...?' with a definite head tilt.

Finally, I got married and we have had several cats through the years (we always have two) and we have a rescue dog as well - I wouldn't feel right without a couple of cats around. So, no - I don't find the OP smug or patronising at all.

Keeping a pet is very expensive. It isn't just the food. If you keep an animal you have to be prepared to pay for vet bills when the animal is sick. You have to have inoculations every year to keep your pet healthy, flee and tick medicine each month to keep them away, cat litter and all associated with that.

If I could afford all that, I would have a cat. Why would you assume your sister needed one anyway? It suits her better to say it would tie her down, when really it is the expense, because there are catteries for holiday makers.

Nor can you stop at one cat: cats are happier in twos. It is proven. When you have two cats it is so obvious it is as though they can speak to you.

You are absolutely right to get another cat. Cats thrive with a companion. I have memories of two kittens I had, siblings. One day one got lost. I walked the streets on the estate, calling his name, and behind me I heard a miew and though it was the missing one, but it was actually his brother following me, crying with me. He was distressed to a point I had not realised. When we could not find him, I rang the local vet who told me someone had found him and had him at home.

The relief for both of them was obvious,

Come on OP, you knew when you said it you were playing into the stereotype of single middle age to older women who never get married and live with a cat. YABU.

She obviously feels that you all think she's a sad singleton that needs company...you are lucky to have someone paying your mortgage. Single at 51 and no way I can save for a deposit while renting. It can be irritating and depressing at times.. she doesn't need people telling her so.