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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to christening

263 replies

Blackberryandcherry · 20/07/2024 16:58

AIBU?

One of my close friends had a baby in November. I planned her baby shower completely on my own for around 30 people, and I’ve been a regular visitor whilst she’s on mat leave, often using my annual leave to keep her and baby company during the day.

I went round last night for a couple of glasses of wine and she got onto chatting about her plans to get the baby christened. She said it would just be a small christening with family and her babies ‘friends’. It turns out that involves inviting our entire friendship group and their little ones, but not me as I am child free. I am the only one without a baby.

AIBU to be hurt by this? Fully expecting to be told she can invite who she likes but honestly I am feeling a bit devastated to be the only one excluded.

OP posts:
Sallyh87 · 20/07/2024 20:05

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 20/07/2024 19:55

@Sallyh87 Since when is a Christening a "children's party?"

I’m not sure a christening is a children’s party. However, if children’s entertainment has been hired then that’s the approach the parents have taken. I don’t think the OP is unreasonable to be put out but I really doubt it was intentional.

I am probably wrong but I would have assumed no one other than close family or those with children would have wanted to go to such an event. I think the OP should just speak to her friend.

MrsSunshine2b · 20/07/2024 20:09

AndForAFortnightThereWeWereForever · 20/07/2024 19:52

I completely agree with this. I used to go to Church when I first moved into the place I live now (about 10 years ago,) and there was a big bunch of about 12 or 13 quite cliquey women there. Pleasant but very tight. There was one of them (Ann) that used to hang on to me like a limpet. She was so possessive and obsessive and constantly wanting to know everything about me and what I was doing and lots of personal intrusive questions about me ... She was so nosey. After a while - about 8-9 months I started giving her a wide berth.

She was actually one of the reasons I stopped going to church so much and cut it down from three to four times a month to once or twice a month. A new trainee minister came to the church; (he was actually learning the craft from the vicar there,) and was there twice a month. He was due to be another church a few miles down the road later on.

6 of these women in this group got invited to his wedding, because they were very thick with the vicar.. 'Ann' was not invited, but she pretty much invited herself. She said to the trainee minister. 'Oh yes, me and Steve will be able to come. That's so wonderful - we're looking forward to your wedding!' She actually invited herself! No-one had the nerve to say she can't go.

I was actually talking to the women in the group who were invited, and this weird obsessive woman (Ann) joined in the conversation, and she started going on about the wedding. 'And oh, I'm coming to your house first, aren't I? Annette. It'll be so much fun at the wedding. I can't wait. Can you Julie? Sarah. Linda, Liz?'

She kept blathering on about this wedding that I wasn't invited to. All of the women in the group who were chatting were going to it... Except me. After about 30 seconds of Ann talking about it, one of the ladies actually turned the subject off it - and she turned it right back on again.

I really, genuinely think it was to rub my nose in it that I wasn't invited, to be spiteful, because I had been giving her a wide berth. But I wasn't expecting to be invited because I didn't really know the couple that well. She was only going because she'd invited herself. She didn't know the couple any more than me! She only moved into this area 3 months before I did, and got herself in with the Church clique quite quick! I carried on going to Church for a while - a couple of years - but went less and less and less, then stopped altogether when Covid hit and never went back.

But yeah, tl;dr, it is beyond rude and spiteful and nasty, to chat about something that is going on - like a 'do' or a party or a wedding, especially with other people who are invited - in front of someone who isn't.

Edited
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I used to teach and in one school it was me and 3 other women in KS1, we all had PPA at the same time and on multiple occasions the 3 of them would be making plans to go out for dinner or for drinks after work whilst I was sat there not invited. Horrible people.

She waters flowers. I wanna her.

AndForAFortnightThereWeWereForever · 20/07/2024 20:11

MrsSunshine2b · 20/07/2024 20:09

I used to teach and in one school it was me and 3 other women in KS1, we all had PPA at the same time and on multiple occasions the 3 of them would be making plans to go out for dinner or for drinks after work whilst I was sat there not invited. Horrible people.

She waters flowers. I wanna her.

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I'm so sorry. It feels pretty shit to be the only one left out. And even worse when someone included is cooing about it with others who are invited. It's thoughtless and mean and spiteful.

All my Monday Mornings are stuck in an Endless February!

CountessWindyBottom · 20/07/2024 20:13

Cuppachino · 20/07/2024 19:54

Anyone with a shred of self-respect will not turn up to an event that they've not been invited to. Public place or not.

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Yes. What a bizarre suggestion.

AndForAFortnightThereWeWereForever · 20/07/2024 20:14

CountessWindyBottom · 20/07/2024 20:13

Yes. What a bizarre suggestion.

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It would be if anyone had actually suggested it.

Ultravox · 20/07/2024 20:17

That’s really horrible of her. Babies don’t have friends so it looks like she is showing you where her priorities lie. Sounds she is blinded by the current friend group she is in which is purely to do with similar circumstances and less to do with loyalty and a friendship which has lasted for years. I’d be hurt if I was you and I’d sure as hell be cooling off on making any more plans with her.

CountessWindyBottom · 20/07/2024 20:23

AndForAFortnightThereWeWereForever · 20/07/2024 20:14

It would be if anyone had actually suggested it.

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It was inferred

AndForAFortnightThereWeWereForever · 20/07/2024 20:28

CountessWindyBottom · 20/07/2024 20:23

It was inferred

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It really wasn't. What was said was 'ya know you can just turn up at the Christening because a CHURCH is a public place. BUT I WOULDN'T DO THAT!'

Not inferred, not suggested. I WOULDN'T DO THAT = Don't do it.

Don't put words into peoples mouths that they never said..

Twilight7777 · 20/07/2024 20:32

That would be a friendship ending for me.

Zanatdy · 20/07/2024 20:34

She’s completely out of order, very ungrateful

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 20/07/2024 20:35

I would have asked her right there and then, "so I'm not invited?"

If she is going to be rude enough to ask you to help her figure out if the party will be good for all the kids, then you can be rude enough to make her answer that question.

Nanaof1 · 20/07/2024 20:35

HoppityBun · 20/07/2024 18:26

Thank you for organising the baby shower and putting in all that hard work, for me, I really appreciate what you did for me as my friend. I’m so happy that everyone who has children contributed. As you don’t have children I’m sure you’ll understand that I don’t want you to come to the christening but everyone who has children can tell you about it afterwards and there’ll probably be some cake or something leftover that you can have. I’ll make sure to show you some photographs of me with my child and everyone else with their children, too.

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That's pretty much what OP's "friend" would need to say if she was being honest.

I just cannot understand why people would treat a good friend like that. Someone who has your back and is there for you is a lot more important than a "friend of the baby's" (which is such a crock of baby 💩).
OP--I would just stop being there for your friend. I think you are a true friend to her, and she is a "when she needs you" friend in return.
I'm sorry that anyone is treating you this way. You sound like a person who is a good and trustworthy friend and you deserve the same back.

Naddd · 20/07/2024 20:36

I find it sad that you are even asking if your being unreasonable. Can i ask why this is? It reminds me of me actually having been gaslit throughout my life i question myself often.
Your friend if you can call her that does not value you or see you in the same way you see her.
I have had shit friends now a couple of good ones but even they would not book annual leave to sit with me as i was alone and tbh it wouldn't occur to me to expect them too.
However if my friends had gone out of their way to support me and my baby and let's be honest this is often a time when women lose friends i would appreciate that and want them at important times.
Your support at a difficult time seems to have been taken for granted which is quite sad

Idontgiveashitanymore · 20/07/2024 20:43

Sorry but she’s using you, she wouldn’t be my friend any more after this! Ditch and block, if anyone asks tell them the truth…

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 20/07/2024 20:44

sorry wrong post

diktat · 20/07/2024 20:45

Sounds like you are going to stay with friends?

Hell would freeze over before I’d see the bitch again.

Hakunatomato · 20/07/2024 20:47

Did she ask you to organise her bab6 shower?

hot2trotter · 20/07/2024 21:06

Stop wasting your precious time on this woman.

CountessWindyBottom · 20/07/2024 21:26

AndForAFortnightThereWeWereForever · 20/07/2024 20:28

It really wasn't. What was said was 'ya know you can just turn up at the Christening because a CHURCH is a public place. BUT I WOULDN'T DO THAT!'

Not inferred, not suggested. I WOULDN'T DO THAT = Don't do it.

Don't put words into peoples mouths that they never said..

Edited
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Oh come on! You suggested to the OP that she could do this very thing and yet (clutching pearls/feelings of righteous indignation) it's not something you would do.

I'm paraphrasing what you've said (twice).

Why bother saying it? What was the point?

AuntieStella · 20/07/2024 21:53

Of course people decide who they want to invite.

And if this friend had stuck to family any godparents only, I don't think anyone would have raised an eyebrow.

But when deciding that she could have some other friends along, deciding on the basis of fecundity is rather odd. And I can see why that's hurtful to those who put a different value on friendships.

It's a sad fact that at times you do get out of step with some of your friends because your lives are moving differently. But usually that would be drift, rather than something as pointed at this.

But I think the only response now Op is drift from your side. Saying anything (other than, if asked why not going, giving the straightforward answer "I wasn't invited") will only stoke bad feeling. So just quietly step back a bit. Don't use your annual leave again.

Original poster
Blackberryandcherry · 20/07/2024 22:12

Thanks everyone so much - I am totally overwhelmed by the support here - super grateful - thank you to each and every one of you who has replied.

I think I’ll distance myself and see how that goes.

I just wanted to add that they aren’t especially religious, and were torn between the christening and some sort of naming ceremony; but either way I would’ve felt the same having not been invited.

OP posts:
IdaPrentice · 20/07/2024 22:15

I would guess that the 'friend' had been thinking of a small christening, but then got invited to the christenings of her 'baby mum' friends so feels she needs to throw a party at least as good as theirs. So it's all about being 'in' with the 'mum' friends. And that is not at all what a christening should be. It's about welcoming a child into a faith, in front of the child's family and community. I've never heard of a children's entertainer at one!

Of course your feelings are hurt. She sounds shallow and insensitive, so I would become unavailable from now on.

IdaPrentice · 20/07/2024 22:16

Blackberryandcherry · 20/07/2024 22:12

Thanks everyone so much - I am totally overwhelmed by the support here - super grateful - thank you to each and every one of you who has replied.

I think I’ll distance myself and see how that goes.

I just wanted to add that they aren’t especially religious, and were torn between the christening and some sort of naming ceremony; but either way I would’ve felt the same having not been invited.

Cross-posted with yours!

LoyalMember · 20/07/2024 22:36

She's being a thoughtless arsehole. I would be cut to the bone by that.

autienotnaughti · 20/07/2024 22:56

I would match her friendship energy and demote her to group meet ups/casual acquaintance .

And maybe have a party and invite all group except her and explain it's limited to family and a few friends then list the rest of the people in the group and their children . (I'm kidding really)

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