Not invited to christening

[Blackberryandcherry]

AIBU?

One of my close friends had a baby in November. I planned her baby shower completely on my own for around 30 people, and I’ve been a regular visitor whilst she’s on mat leave, often using my annual leave to keep her and baby company during the day.

I went round last night for a couple of glasses of wine and she got onto chatting about her plans to get the baby christened. She said it would just be a small christening with family and her babies ‘friends’. It turns out that involves inviting our entire friendship group and their little ones, but not me as I am child free. I am the only one without a baby.

AIBU to be hurt by this? Fully expecting to be told she can invite who she likes but honestly I am feeling a bit devastated to be the only one excluded.

I wonder what the other friends in the group will think?

The only person it's made look bad is her OP, so don't worry about telling your family, friends etc you've got no reason to think that you'll look silly. You're entitled to be upset especially after everything you've done and I'd be very very hurt.

Personally I'd take a big step back and just leave her to it. If she asks then explain why and how hurt she made you feel.

Trying to keep numbers down but they have enough money to hire kids entertainment?? Even if it is just thoughtless she's shown you her true colours. Sorry OP as you sound like such a good friend 😔

I think you should tell your friend how hurt you are. She is not going to know otherwise, and personally I feel it is usually best to get these things out in the open. You can tell you are hurt not to be invited, and then distance.

It will fester otherwise and start to eat away at you.

Those parties with children’s entertainers are very weird @Blackberryandcherry and over the top.

Id give her a wide berth for a while, definitely don’t buy a christening present and arrange a nice day out doing something that childfree people can only enjoy.

At least you know not to waste your annual leave.
I'm sure if she's feeling down she can ask one of her mummy friends after all you couldn't possibly know what she's going through.

Completely see why you would be hurt, but just one small thing.

If someone used annual leave to come see me, with or without children - I'd think that's their free choice. I'd presume they fancied a day off from work and were looking for someone to chill out with on it.

I would definitely not consider it a favour, a sacrifice or something to give merit for or have to repay.

Throwing a baby shower( aside from the fact that I loathe baby showers) is something a close friend does. It isn't really something someone should be asked to do.

I think she asked you, and I think she is more casual about the relationship than you. Add to that some people get ridiculous when they have a baby about their priorities, routines etc and let prior friendships go. Those people are not worth bothering about and are usually pretty dull anyway!

Ugh how thoughtless of her. She’s already discarded you as unimportant because you don’t have children.

You could point this out, or you could just retreat from the friendship. She’s made her choice.

I’m getting flashbacks to TidyDancer’s (?) old thread where her mate asked her to do loads of stuff for her wedding even though she wasn’t planning to invite her (she had given her a save the date card to keep it free, presumably to be a skivvy!).

Has your friend asked you to sort out the church hall with decorations or do catering yet @Blackberryandcherry ?!

Well that's even worse to be honest. So she's happy for someone without a child to faff about arranging her baby shower for 30 people for her but doesn't want someone without a child at the christening? Sorry but I'd have to call that out. At best it's just thoughtless, at worst it's down right nasty.

Be warned she is going to ask you to cater for the christening tea as she sees you as the childless skivvy.

Book a weekend away now and let her PAY for the meal and for someone to organise it.

Haven't RTFT, so this has probably been posted before.

A baptism/Christening is a religious service to welcome the child into the Church. It's an open service and all are welcome to observe and celebrate the event, so invitations are entirely superfluous except perhaps to tell people the date and time.

If the parents want to turn it into a private event they are perverting the purpose of the service. But they can't stop anyone from attending, and I don't think the vicar/priest would approve.

If there is a party afterwards they can of course make it private.

That's even worse, asking for advice for a party she doesn't want you at! As others have said, her baby doesn't have friends and won't care who is there, so this is all on her.

I strongly suspect the friend thinks op won't be interested in a christening, and won't like all of the screaming kids. It is really a kids party. Op needs to make it clear that she would love to come, and would welcome an invitation.

This is what you should do!

Definitely withdraw from the friendship.

Although I totally understand why you would be hurt, i do think your friend hasn’t really meant this to be the case. In her head she is inviting kids, therefore the parents have to come along too. The fact she has talked about it in front of you shows she really doesn’t see it as an issue.
maybe talk to her about it and clear the air. Do you really want to lose this friendship?
she might think it would be someone’s worst nightmare if they don’t have kids 🤣 either way you won’t know unless you talk to her about it.

I think she is unclear about the purpose of a Christening. It isn't just a baby warming party. It's supposedly welcoming the baby into the Church community and making promises on the baby's behalf, in the case of parents and Godparents. The only people who really NEED to be there are parents, grandparents, and Godparents. Possibly also the families of Godparents if they have young children. My grandchildren were Christened by a C of E friend in a private ceremony. Because most of the guests live in France and had to travel here, we did go to a restaurant afterwards but this restricted the numbers to 30. Hence it wasn't possible to invite everyone. Even some members of the extended family were excluded, and some don't even know that the Christening took place. It's a private affair. If your friend wants to turn it into a baby shower style power show, she is missing the point. Accept her decision and distance yourself from her for a while. And remember, "a friend in need is a friend indeed". You have been a good friend, by the sound of it, but maybe you overwhelmed her a bit? Time will tell. Don't ruin a long term friendship (if that's what this is) over this. But let her do the running from now on and look after yourself for a while.

That's really out of order.
I would consider defriending her after something like this.

Your friend sounds like she’s a selfish unthinking cold heart piece!
personally I’d ask her outright if my invite is in the post? If she says no we’ve not invited you I’d ask why? Depending on her response I’d end the friendship there & then telling she’s an ungrateful friend & that you’ve gone over & above r to support her & that you feel deeply offended & leave ignore her calls & let her stew for a few days; with friends like her who needs enemies

Honestly, just get rid.

I’ve had a similar instance with so called friends like this - you’re good enough to be the safe nice friend when it suits but when it comes to the nice/good times you aren’t a thought in their mind.

As much as it hurts you need advocate for yourself and back off. Find better people to put your energy into. Wishing you the best of luck!

You sound like such a lovely friend OP. It would have been a lifesaver for me in the early days for a friend to come and help me when I was in the thick of it with PND.

I'd be incredibly hurt, it's not right. Especially as 1 or 2 extra people won't increase costs that much, especially when you sound close to her and her baby.

I'm really sorry ❤️

I think you need to have a word with her tell her how you feel. Out of interest how long have you been friends? Think its very unfair of her to exclude you, but I can't see her being popular with your friends group when they find out that you are excluded and why.

I’d cut someone off for that. Fuck ‘em.

She wouldn't see me for dust.
I wouldn't want an apology, I simply wouldn't want to waste another minute with such a person.

Clearly OP you have been doing far too much and your friend thinks that even basic courtesy and respect need not apply to you.

Feel no embarrassment.
It is all hers.
I would be away for the christening and when asked would reply, "I didn't make the cut, being childless" with an🙄.

I wouldn't allow her appalling behaviour to unduly upset me, because I would be so glad that I had finally seen her clearly.
I find it very difficult to believe that has been the only incidence of such unkindness and thoughtlessness.

She sounds thick as mud.
Reprocosity is important in relationships.
If you find you are doing too much for someone, it rarely works out well.
Let her baby friends support her going forward.
I hope this at least shows you that you are investing unwisely with her, turn your attention to friends that value you as you deserve.