To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

[Thegreatprocrastinator001]

So my DD has been with her bf for 2 years and they are close but also have their own social lives. They're due to go abroad together to stay with family in a week. Today DD is saying she won't go and never wants to speak to him again bc she found out, but checking account histories, that at he looked up porn after she'd told him he shouldn't as it makes her insecure. I get she's annoyed that he lied but she's saying it's like cheating, that she can't trust him and she wants to break up with him. I know porn in general is exploitative with negative messages about sex but I really feel she doesn't appreciate most boys do look up porn - girls too probably - and that it could just be about sexual curiosity.

I know troll hunting is forbidden but this thread has a real similar style and theme as the thread deleted a week or so ago where a mother was upset her 17yo DD wouldn't reconsider dating a smoker because he was nice in other ways.

Good try.

You won't have a relationship with porn users = prude. That's in your head.

Evidence shows porn damages sex lives. Some of us have experience of this. I'm no prude....I just don't need porn

I'm not triggered by it, I just don't want to sleep with people (male or female) who put their own sexual gratification above the exploitation of women.

Edit to add: perhaps I do struggle in this world, but not as much as I would if I forced myself to accept stuff that I hate to my core.

Um, I think you will find you're wrong.

Not your boundary to make its up to her what makes her comfortable

I agree with that, but she can leave him and shouldn't be made to feel she's overthinking. It's her boundary.

That's a bit patronising. Porn actresses are adult women. The problem comes from being stigmatised for doing it (ironically by the people who claim to worry about vulnerable porn actresses).

I'm really genuinely interested in how you know this for certain.

Even in the vanishingly, teeny tiny, unlikely event you are correct, which youre not, her father is not the one who should be telling her she should be ok with porn.

Some posters absolute hope they are right about all men watching porn is really weird.

Christ alive why do porn users have to insist everyone does it. Why can't you accept they don't? Why do you need it to be fact they do?

My husband doesn't. He must. Everyone does ???? Can't you see how nuts this is?

The only place I see judgement about it is on MN! I like it. My partners have all liked it. My friends like it. It isn't a big deal. I am astounded anyone still thinks it is. If it doesn't do anything for you then fine but you shouldn't judge other people's pleasure.

God, all the people here rightly posting to say the daughters boundaries are her boundaries and good on her for sticking to them, but then also taking the opportunity to be sanctimonious and morally superior to the OP.

Just can't resist it can you? What pleasant people you must be in RL.

She sounds very sensible. You should be proud of her. Stop interfering in her relationship.She shouldn’t have snooped on his phone.But if she has set that boundary in her relationship and it’s been cross then it’s her call, not yours. Or would you rather your daughter accept behaviours in relationships that she doesn’t like or agree with ? Slippery slope…

Her choice but she needs to work on her self esteem. Fine to split over it, some do object to adult content if they have concerns about trafficking and ethics but to say she feels insecure is very sad.
Has she always lacked confidence?
Where did she check his history, on his phone?

You're cool, we all get it 🤣

Can you at least, maybe, try to understand that op's DD, as many many others, don't like it? Can you do that? Or are you one of those "well I like XYZ so everyone else should" types?

Not liking it is fine. Like not liking anything else. Being horrified by it is just silly and naive. Humans have been into porn since cave drawings.

Pornographic images and literature have been around for centuries. Prostitution is “the oldest profession”. The internet has just made it more accessible, like junk food. And more extreme.

He does. He just doesn't tell you <runs>.

And you shouldn't judge people who don't want to have it as part of their relationship.

The insistence that she must accept porn, is a prude if she won't, will never be happy or have a relationship is utter bonkers.

From the link posted to evidence that everyone uses porn... (incl statistics from pornhub about use men vs women....)
The research is clear—porn can warp consumers’ ideas about sex and relationships. But the good news is that we can limit those negative effects by raising awareness on this issue, especially to young people. So let’s refocus on healthy relationships and reject the toxic narratives porn perpetuates. Let’s consider the facts before consuming

She doesn't have to accept looking at it. Insisting a partner doesn't look at it when she isn't there is another matter.

I also genuinely wonder how women who are horrified by porn get off.

I don't really want to know it just seems like such an upright world to inhabit.

She is sensible. I'd be proud of her too. But she also might be slightly unrealistic and idealistic and if she's going to insist on only date boys and men who never, ever look at porn she's probably going to be single for a bloody long time. Either that, or she'll be lied to a lot.

@OptimismvsRealism "Not liking it is fine. Like not liking anything else. Being horrified by it is just silly and naive. Humans have been into porn since cave drawings"

I'm not horrified by porn. I am horrified that anyone thinks wanking to exploited, possibly trafficked women is an acceptable thing to do.

Not sure why everyone thinks she's being sensible or has high moral standards about the ethics of women because of this view. The OP has already said it's because she's jealous/feels insecure about herself because of it. It's not part of some big moral standpoint.

Well, I think a lot of women enjoy being in porn as well as looking at it. I am really surprised every time a woman says she doesn't ever use it. Like, never? Not even a bit of soft imagery with a lovely pair of boobs?

I feel sorry for anyone with such a blunted, warped and colourless imagination thatthey can't "get off" without watching women being exploited.