To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

[Thegreatprocrastinator001]

So my DD has been with her bf for 2 years and they are close but also have their own social lives. They're due to go abroad together to stay with family in a week. Today DD is saying she won't go and never wants to speak to him again bc she found out, but checking account histories, that at he looked up porn after she'd told him he shouldn't as it makes her insecure. I get she's annoyed that he lied but she's saying it's like cheating, that she can't trust him and she wants to break up with him. I know porn in general is exploitative with negative messages about sex but I really feel she doesn't appreciate most boys do look up porn - girls too probably - and that it could just be about sexual curiosity.

She got the ick and should trust her instincts.

Very true. Some things are disgusting because of the man rather than the thing itself.

It being "part of life" doesn't make it good, or "normal" in history. In fact, the normalisation of watching exploited vulnerable young women having often degrading sex on camera in exchange for money is historically quite recent.

I don't buy this idea that it's just impossible for poor men to exist in the world without porn. What did they do 50 years ago? How did men cope 200 years ago? It's just nonsense, but it's nonsense that makes a lot of people money, and nonsense that oppresses women to boot. So of course there's pressure to accept it.

People say "good luck finding a man that doesn't watch porn" and it's like they're speaking a different language. I would rather not have a man than have one who needs (or even prefers) to reach sexual satisfaction by watching exploitation on camera. It is not normal to see other people fuck so much, and it's not moral to watch it when the people involved are exploited. It's acceptable to refuse any man who cares more about a wank than the safety and dignity of women. It's like people in the past saying "good luck finding a man who doesn't beat you up!" I mean, if that's the standard, I want out of the whole system.

Nah, she’s 17, she should see who else is out there.

She has decided that the porn is crossing a line for her. That's a perfectly valid and reasonable boundary to have. I don't think we should be encouraging our teenage girls to lower their standards and put up with stuff that they find uncomfortable or unacceptable. Quite the contrary, we should be encouraging them to value themselves and their own feelings and to realise that they don't ever need to stay in relationships that are making them unhappy in some way.

This!

Because her mum wants her to be able to have satisfying adult relationships??

Your daughter sounds spectacular OP and the world needs more women like her.

Teenage girls are often treated appallingly by boys these days.

So, well done to her for setting a standard and abiding by it.

Porn isn't bad just because it's exploitative. It teaches men and boys that they can strangle, slap and generally abuse their female partners (and a lot of girls feel it's normal and they have to endure it).

My DD ended it with her bf because he was addicted to porn before he'd even reached 20. Bloody good on her!!

She's 17 not 7.

It doesn’t matter what you think - it matters what she thinks and you should be applauding her for knowing her boundaries and enforcing them at such a young age. She’s got a mature head on her shoulders.

Well, she won't have a satisfying relationship if she ignores her own wants and feelings, will she?

True but I don't think she'll ever have a satisfying heterosexual relationship if she can't reconcile herself with porn. Not everyone likes it but most people (men and women) do.

I think she is right to have high standards, but sadly I don't think she will find a 17 year old male who doesn't watch porn at least occasionally.

I can't think of any good reason you would disagree with your daughter having clear strong boundaries when it come to sex.

Good for her.

I mean when I was 17 I was hugely prudish too I don't suppose it's a bad developmental stage to protect oneself in youth

What do you mean? I think maybe we have crossed wires. I mean she doesn’t need to feel that porn is a threat to her attractiveness/worth to her partner. Wanking alone watching a bit of porn and sex with a partner are for most people different things that can happily coexist. (Ok some men have porn addiction and unrealistic ideas because of it but they’re surely relatively few, immature, etc.)

This is such shite. Women don't need to "reconcile" themselves to the exploitation and degradation of vulnerable women just to satisfy the sexual appetites of men.

Not with any disagreement, just always topics like this that's all. Just so much hypocrisy with these topics. I'd guess maybe 20% of people who say "I'd do this and that if it was my husband/partner" would actually do it in reality. It's all for show with many.

Good for your dd for having STANDARDS. Unlike you.

I mean, yeah, a lot of people actually reply with what they wish they would do. But in this case, at 17 with a whole life ahead of her, I would not advise my daughter to fight her own feelings in breaking up with a boyfriend.

A lot of women watch porn with their partners (or on their own). You don't have to do this, of course, but if it gives you the rage to imagine a male partner enjoying it sometimes on his own you are going to struggle in this world. I suppose this is why porn tastes are still asked about in security vetting interviews - some folk really seem triggered by it. Always surprises me.

I do agree with this to an extent, but we could extend this argument about exploitation past cocaine to a lot of this we all happily buy and do: foods, clothes, Hollywood entertainment, the music industry… so I think some people are risking being a bit sanctimonious and hypocritical. And that a lot of (female) outrage about porn is rooted in insecurity rather than genuine moral outrage.

I agree that she it's great and admirable for a young woman to have standards and boundaries. My comment was more aimed at reposnses here not her decision.

Wrong. You're fooling yourself there. Most people do NOT like it.