To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

[Thegreatprocrastinator001]

So my DD has been with her bf for 2 years and they are close but also have their own social lives. They're due to go abroad together to stay with family in a week. Today DD is saying she won't go and never wants to speak to him again bc she found out, but checking account histories, that at he looked up porn after she'd told him he shouldn't as it makes her insecure. I get she's annoyed that he lied but she's saying it's like cheating, that she can't trust him and she wants to break up with him. I know porn in general is exploitative with negative messages about sex but I really feel she doesn't appreciate most boys do look up porn - girls too probably - and that it could just be about sexual curiosity.

Good for her. What a great girl. I wish more women would dump porn addled blokes.

Boys will be boys eh op? 🙄

Good for her. Perhaps you should take a leaf out of her book.

Yes of course we try to avoid unethical things.

But just because some clothing brands use child labour and are unethical, doesn’t mean we should all stop buying clothes.

We just try and buy from shops that sell clothes that are ethically made.

Same with porn.

We don’t need to stop watching porn completely, we just need to try and make sure the porn being watched is ethical.

Tbf I assumed they meant with a partner, my bad.

Rest of your post irrelevant tbf, as that poster seemed to struggle with the idea that a woman can orgasm without porn.

I think your daughter has strong morals. You should be supporting her not making out it's a common thing.

that can happily coexist.

No, they can't. Because porn is harmful and dangerous. It can never happily coexist in a safe, fair society.

I've been on MN for 15 years and I see no change at all when it comes to the general view on porn.

Had to smile at the slippery slope of not thinking porn is ok. Yea its such a slippery slope, what on earth will we object to next 🤣

“I think you feel bad about your mum tum or whatever and weird at your partner enjoying someone else's body. All industries involve power disparity.”

And there it is: The female shaming and gaslighting-laced coercion into lowering our expectations and principles as women while minimising and therefore upholding misogyny.
Women serving other women thorns as fruit. Sad. You sound like you’re reading from an abuser’s script.

I think anti porn women seem like they're something out of the handmaid's tale.

Being anti porn is not the same as simply not personally enjoying porn.

Lol, no, I think you will find your male fantasy echo chamber is wrong. The majority of people don't approve of porn. Sorry, but it's a fact. Your porn fantasy is not real life. Sorry.

Agree entirely with @shuggles l have never met a man who doesn’t watch porn. I have however met many, many men who do watch it but lie to their partners about it. Private Browsing makes it so easy to hide. And before I get the old “raise your bar” bollocks, it’s not my bar, but it is my experience.
And no @Megifer no one has to be in a relationship where the other person crosses their boundaries. You can leave for whatever reason you want. But I do think op is right. If porn is an absolute boundary for her DD, she will be picking from a VERY small pool of men who do not watch it. And, to be honest, none of us KNOW 100% what our partners do. We like to think we do, but we don’t, as is amply demonstrated by multiple threads on here, every day. If I had a quid for every time I have heard or read “I didn’t think he would do that” I would be a very rich woman. Most men know women don’t like porn, but they do, so they lie accordingly.

I think you haven’t lived a life yet… sweet summer child indeed.

Ok well I don't know anyone in real life who isn't perfectly comfortable with porn as a concept.

I personally like it.

@Thegreatprocrastinator001 - I think your daughter has admirable and sensible boundaries.

Porn is teaching young men all the wrong things about sex and relationships - that choking is a fun sexual practise, for example, and then they pressure their sexual partners into letting them do it. It teaches boys and young men that women are shaven Barbie dolls who will let men do anything to them - and this is perfectly normal. They carry these lessons into real life, and inflict these beliefs on girls and young women.

Porn makes women into things - any young woman who stands up against this is a hero in my book.

Easily. If you need porn in order to get off, you're quite pathetic and I feel sorry for you. That is really, truly sad.

No, not same with porn. Clothes and porn are not comparable.

We all need to wear clothes. Clothes are a basic necessity. We need clothing for warmth and because we live in a society where it is expected of us that some parts of the body are covered in a lot of social situations. It's not reasonable to expect people to make all of their own clothes themselves.

Pornography, on the other hand, is not a necessity. You do not need porn for anything. If you cannot have an orgasm without watching pornography to do it, that is a sign of a brain that has been damaged by pornography; you are an addict with a rewired brain chemistry. Nobody needs to watch other people have choreographed, usually violent, sex.

So, I guess the theoretical potential porn watching partner would have to decide if they like the DD enough to give up the absolute necessity that porn is, wouldn't he? And not lie about it, because the truth does near enough always come out.

Or is it just the DD, the female, who should put their wants in a relationship to one side?

If someone needs porn to get off they clearly watch too much of it

I don't need it but I can't imagine being with someone who hates it is very sexy. I imagine you'd be all "dominance is misogyny!" Or "spanking is assault!" every five minutes.

@Precipice "We don’t need to stop watching porn completely, we just need to try and make sure the porn being watched is ethical"

How?

No one needs to eat meat or animal products, but many choose to and from those that do, many try and get it ethically sourced.

There are many things that we don’t necessarily need but people shouldn’t feel guilty about having.

We could go on forever about not driving a car or getting a plane because of the impact it has on the climate etc.

The fact that you assume that most porn is violent, tells me that you actually don’t know much about the industry at all.

Many women choose and enjoy creating porn content.
They are not forced, coerced, abused or any other buzz words people like to throw out.

If you don’t like it and you choose not to watch it, then that’s fine.
But you can’t judge someone else that does.

The Lyrical Gangsta of Voluntari is riding hard today. Shit. You just showed up on MN too.

I was talking about the rudeness and judging, NOT porn or anyone’s attitudes to porn.

I’m glad to see the overall view on porn use here on MN is what it is, but clearly some posters are very relaxed about it. They’re entitled to their opinion.

And also the ‘slippery slope’ refers (again) to the rudeness and judging, nothing else.

Your first post comes across as if you have an opinion that's at odds with your daughter's and want to persuade her to your point of view: I really feel she doesn't appreciate most boys do look up porn - girls too probably - and that it could just be about sexual curiosity. It also sounds like your daughter has made her mind up and feels strongly about her decision: she's saying it's like cheating, that she can't trust him and she wants to break up with him and saying she won't go [on holiday with him] and never wants to speak to him again.

Your follow-up says she has asked you for advice about what to do. A lot of posters will respond to an original post's premise without noticing or reading a follow-up but even if they read both, the initial impression will stick if the follow-up contradicts rather than clarifying.

My answer's the same either way: no matter how great the relationship is otherwise, it's usually unwise to compromise on something you consider a dealbreaker or to stay in the relationship when trust has been lost - and she says trust has been lost here. (If she did trust him, there'd be no need to speculate about whether he just looked once out of curiosity because they'd discuss it - unless she feels there's no point because she wants an absolutely pornfree partner.) And men who use porn are usually terrible at having sex with women, so there's that consideration too.

The fact that you assume that most porn is violent, tells me that you actually don’t know much about the industry at all.

What would you like to say about this report? https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/sep/27/online-pornography-breaks-french-law-equality-watchdog-france

"As much as 90% of pornographic content online features verbal, physical and sexual violence towards women, and a significant amount of violence shown is punishable under existing laws in France, a report by the government-nominated equality watchdog has found.

France’s high council for equality between women and men on Wednesday handed the government a damning report on illegal porn-industry practices, urging changes to the law to prosecute makers of pornography and to take down content in order to protect those who have been filmed.

After more than 18 months of hearings and reviewing millions of videos on the biggest international pornography sites, the report said that in millions of videos, “women, caricatured with the worst sexist and racist stereotypes, are humiliated, objectified, dehumanised, assaulted, tortured, subjected to treatment that is contrary both to human dignity and French law”."

Are you arguing that the French spent 18 months twiddling their thumbs and actually learned nothing about the pornographic industry?

(I did post this link earlier, so apologies if you've seen that comment and replied to it in a comment I missed; I've read most of this thread but not all).