To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

[Thegreatprocrastinator001]

So my DD has been with her bf for 2 years and they are close but also have their own social lives. They're due to go abroad together to stay with family in a week. Today DD is saying she won't go and never wants to speak to him again bc she found out, but checking account histories, that at he looked up porn after she'd told him he shouldn't as it makes her insecure. I get she's annoyed that he lied but she's saying it's like cheating, that she can't trust him and she wants to break up with him. I know porn in general is exploitative with negative messages about sex but I really feel she doesn't appreciate most boys do look up porn - girls too probably - and that it could just be about sexual curiosity.

@OptimismvsRealism "I don't believe you do either. I think you feel bad about your mum tum or whatever and weird at your partner enjoying someone else's body"

You keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better.

Oh, I assumed you meant partner.

So you can't sort yourself out without porn? Deary me 🤣🤣🤣

She objects because 'she is insecure'. It's there in the op. Nothing 'high standards' about it.

She needs to work on her confidence and stop snooping on any boyfriend's history. It isn't a good start in the world of relationships is it.

Once again, consider single women. They are allowed to experience pleasure too.

And ultimately some people enjoy the voyeuristic nature of watching other human beings having sex. Some like raunchy books...where they, you know, picture other human beings having sex...

Do you care about the exploitation of the children who mined the metals inside the device you're currently using to access Mumsnet? Do you think they had more or less choice to consent or not than an American adult living in los Angeles?

This is a deranged point of view. Do you really think this? I'm anti porn. I'm not ashamed of my own body, and it's not because I feel jealous or insecure. I'm anti porn because pornography exploits women, and perpetuates a culture of oppression that normalises treating women as sexual objects who exist for the gratification of men.

I’d be very proud of her.

Yes ethical outrage is very selective on mumsnet.

Why, for being insecure?

You really think a parent should tell their child to be cool with porn otherwise they won't have a relationship?

Fucking hell.

My god. Totally this. Your dd sounds amazing.

@OptimismvsRealism Do you care about the exploitation of the children who mined the metals inside the device you're currently using to access Mumsnet?

The average woman on mumsnet doesn't do a hands-on job. They are office workers on exceptionally high salaries in excess of £50,000. So I would say it's likely that the health risks of metal mining are completely unknown to them.

@OptimismvsRealism "I also genuinely wonder how women who are horrified by porn get off."

Remarkably easily, in my case. Alone. With others. Just not by exploiting other women.

No, she should work on her self esteem otherwise life will be miserable for her.

The boyfriend and porn is irrelevant in this part.

She felt insecure that she wasn't attractive enough I assume which is probably 100% not true.

Of course a lot of the women are attractive. Not all but some very much so.

Oh nice, we're at the "Hot Girls Love Porn" stage of the debate. We're all ugly if we don't like it, right?

I don’t get this whole “porn is awful” vs “porn is great” issue.

Some people enjoy watching porn - good for them.

Some people don’t enjoy watching porn - good for them.

Some porn is unethical.
But so are some clothing shops, food industries, businesses etc.

If DD doesn’t want a partner who watches it, then that’s up to her.

If it means staying single for the rest of her life, then so be it.
I’d rather stay single than be in relationship with someone who makes me feel uncomfortable.

There was a thread on here about what would put you off dating someone and some of them were absolutely batshit in my eyes (e.g. not reading fiction books) but that’s absolutely the persons choice and right to have whatever boundaries they want.
And good for them for sticking to them.

You’ve somehow raised a strong and sensible daughter.

Be proud of her and support her.

There is nothing wrong with recognising your own insecurities we all have them

Porn has had a terrible negative impact on society particularly for woman

the daughters op is doing the opposite of being insecure she is owning her feelings she is setting her own boundaries this should be encouraged

She's perfectly right to finish the relationship since he's done something which she will not tolerate.

I wouldn't tolerate someone going through my internet history. Absolute deal-breaker for me, just as porn is for her.

Personally , I have no issues with porn at all . I know my husband watches it, I know he gets off on it when he’s in the mood and I’m not . He has needs , don’t bother me in the slightest . But for some it’s a deal breaker .

I don’t think you can tell her that she should be ok with it , shes not and it’s her choice .

I do think at 17 , she’s very young and her feelings might change in the future but that is how she feels right now . At that young age if my daughter was unhappy in her relationship for any reason, big or small, I certainly wouldn’t be encouraging her to work at it, or put up with it . She’s 17 , she’s young . Let her go out and date other people and find what she wants in a relationship. A long term relationship at 17 - that obviously started at 15 , as a child - isn’t something that should be “ worked on “ save that for when she’s older and let her enjoy her life .

@Choochoo21 "Some porn is unethical.
But so are some clothing shops, food industries, businesses etc."

Indeed. But surely we try to avoid unethical things as much as possible. Particularly the completely inessential things.

However I'm shocked at how judgey and rude some posters are. Isn't this a forum for advice?

Unfortunately MN ain’t what it used to be ten years ago. For a couple of years now it’s been on a slippery slope.

@Choochoo21 There was a thread on here about what would put you off dating someone and some of them were absolutely batshit in my eyes (e.g. not reading fiction books) but that’s absolutely the persons choice and right to have whatever boundaries they want.

My favourite ones are the women who say they are turned off by men who use their seatbelt or indicators when they're driving. I think a minority of women, unfortunately, have a very distorted perspective of masculinity.

I don’t think she should worry about what others think. If it makes her feel insecure then that’s enough. Some women will be ok with it, some won’t. Some women will watch too and some won’t. It’s irrelevant, it’s how it makes her feel. If he loves her snd knows it makes her insecure then he should stop .

Exactly this!

Good for her for having her boundaries and for sticking to them. She made a very reasonable request of him and gave him her very good reasons for the request. He showed her disrespect. He lied. He does not deserved her. Well done that girl.