To think DH needs to pull his weight more

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Hi everyone, looking for opinions on something I have been stewing over for ages. I think it's long, sorry.

DH and I have been married for 14 years and together for 16. He is 48 and I am 44. No kids, not for any real reason, just a combination of things (I know this is MN but I also value the honest advice so hope it's ok that I'm not actually a mum?).

Anyway, I have been working for 30 years now. My parents were very old-fashioned and insisted on me bringing an income into the home from when I was old enough to get a job. I was only allowed to stay on to do A levels providing I worked the equivalent of full-time and so was working 30 hours a week from the age of 16 onwards. Through uni I always worked, including 80 or 90 hours a week in the holidays.

I now have a very successful but very stressful job. I am expected to answer phone calls from junior staff day and night, always be on my emails, develop any new skill to support the business at the drop of a hat (I have just been put on a £5k professional diploma course without being asked and have had to then negotiate the time to attend the classes and the work). I am well paid for this and I am not trying to make out that I am hard done by. But the reality is that I am knackered and I feel like an old lady although I'm only 44. I am stressed, anxious, get depressed and have a therapist. I do feel I could burnout at any time.

DH works in a relatively low-skilled job, literally 8-5 M-F with an hour for lunch. No emails outside of work, no real responsibility. He earns about a third of what I do. I pay 2/3 of all our household expenses and have outgoings that he doesn't (I have a car, he can't drive; I'm expected to wear professional clothing at work which costs money, he has a uniform; I have to go to work events and conferences which I get reimbursed for but need money for upfront). I also spend a lot of money on health-related things that I feel I need (such as therapy, physio) while he doesn't have those kinds of costs. I am also putting a lot of my income into a pension (£500/month) for us to both live on when we retire as he has the auto-enrolment which he only started when he had to, when he was 40, and pays the minimum. We split most household chores 50/50, I cook a bit more because I enjoy it more. We also don't mind about what each spends our surplus income on.

DH has loads of skills, he is super literate and numerate, very clever, and quite frankly could do much better for work. However, every time I try to get him to consider changing jobs there is always a barrier. Not being able to drive is a big factor as it makes it hard to get to workplaces/be flexible but he adamantly won't learn. He won't consider any role which needs evening or weekend working. He isn't super IT literate and won't develop this although I have offered to fund training for him (in this or anything else). I recently started pushing him again to look for jobs and tbf he applied for a few but he always buggers the recruitment process up. He won't ask for advice from me (who recruits people as part of my job) or his sister who is a HR professional, so if he gets an interview he doesn't prepare and then just doesn't get the job. He seems to think if it doesn't fall into his lap then it's not meant to be.

Neither of us wants to change our lifestyle- we like our house and where we live although I worry about the cost of bills since everything has been going up. Our mortgage went up by £500 in January and I have been paying £400 of that. He leaves all the bills and that kind of admin to me and simply says he can't afford to give me any more money- but he also won't countenance restricting some of the things we like to do like going on holiday.

The thought of still doing this job (or one like it) for another 20 years fills me with dread. I don't think I have it in me. We are very happily married right now but this issue is starting to fester with me and I don't want to it to lead to me resenting him. I have tried to discuss it but he just says he's tried and we're fine because my job is secure (true) and I could be a bit less stressed (possibly true).

I am starting to think he just needs to suck it up and get a better paying job so that I can either cut my hours or look for a less stressful one- but AIBU?

You absolutely need to have a discussion
It isn’t ok for one person to be coasting and another feeling overworked and dreadful

but honestly he sounds really lazy and unmotivated and that’s a big turn off in a partner
he’s happy to enjoy a lifestyle you’re killing yourself for - selfish

I would make him pay half or all luxuries, holidays, meals etc.
He doesn’t want another job, he has you to fund his lifestyle.

Obviously household bills need to be a fair percentage.

I think he sounds happy in his job, he's working full time and pulling his weight at home.

Your job sounds like a nightmare in comparison. Why would he want to chance his job to be more like yours??

You should look at your outgoings as two adults working should be able to afford a comfortable life together. How big is your house? Maybe downsize. Are you booking expensive holidays?

Honestly I'd take a leaf out of his book and look for a less stressful job

People who don't prepare for interviews fail them because of a number of things. They don't look passionate about the role. they look lazy, they waste interviewers' time and they are unlikely to prepare for the role either!

Which is why he's suited to his lazy life. And will try very hard to hang onto it.

I suggest saying, "I can't carry on like this for another 20 years. We have to find solutions. Together.". Because currently, you're suggesting and he's shooting down. He needs to look at it. You tell him what your red lines are and he suggests solutions and you work on them together.

YABVU

You sound like a stressful person to be around and it sounds like you already resent him.

You knew what you got when you married him. However, you are now mid forties and having a mid life crisis and seem to be blaming him.

Why are your stress levels dependent on his job? What is glaringly obvious is this- spending money on health related things you ‘feel’ you need. That will be a couple hundred at least a month you’re wasting and I guarantee the therapy has lead to this level of navel gazing. Therapy should come with a warning!

Accept him for who he is or leave. Your stress levels are your problem, not his.

Looks like he’s reaping the benefits of your hard work and is happy to carry on a nice stress free life while you slog. Time for a chat. I disagree though, that you feel you should say this to him before you get resentful. You’re already resentful if you’re posting looking for advice from strangers. He does sound like he’s happy just coasting. Which is fine, but he’s also happy watching you picking up the slack, which is not fine.

I wouldn’t choose to work evenings or weekends either. He has job satisfaction.

Accept him for what he is.

OP it sounds like you have a lot of transferable experience and skills so I would look for a less demanding job. Your DH already works full time and pulls his weight.

You may have to downsize and look at ways of cutting costs if you accept a less well paid job but it sounds as though you're going to burn out if you continue the way you are.

Our house is not big. He doesn't want to talk about downsizing, I have suggested it.

How much is the therapy and physio a month?

He doesn't want to discuss it. I have looked for other jobs but everything in a similar pay bracket either seems similar in terms of stress levels, would require a commute to London, or is specialist in skills I don't have.

he also won't countenance restricting some of the things we like to do like going on holiday.

Our house is not big. He doesn't want to talk about downsizing, I have suggested it.

These are the actual problems. Him liking his job and not wanting to change is one thing. Him wanting a champagne life on your hard work is quite another.

Again give him the power. Tell him it's not sustainable and he can find solutions to it. Currently he's having a lovely time telling you that your ideas are shit. So he needs to come up with some.

He needs to pay more into a pension.

just because you work more hours, he does not our of choice, why should you pay 2/3??

I guess he benefits from you driving him where he needs to go, so the car is not just a cost for you. Unless he is never in your car.

I too think you're already resenting the fact that he doesn't work as hard, or earn as well as you would like him too OP, but unfortunately that's his choice. If he won't talk about it, and won't try to improve his income, then I suggest that YOU look at your set up and decide what you're prepared to forego in order to do a less stressful and time consuming job. As someone else asked, could you downsize to decrease both your mortgage and bills? Decide whether you're having too many, or too expensive holidays, and work out what you might be able to live on. Then start looking for a job that will give you the money and time to live a more relaxed life. He can't complain, because that's exactly what he's doing, so if you drop your salary, and can no longer afford the expensive holidays that he's enjoyed, but not paid for, then tough, he'll either have to pull his finger out and earn some extra money to pay for them himself, or accept that you're entitled to work at the same level as he does, with little or no stress. As a couple you're supposed to be equals, he won't do what it takes to raise his standards to yours, so you should feel free to drop yours to match his, if that's what will make you happy.

Thanks for your honest feedback. I do need physio- I have an injury and can't walk properly without it. I know therapy isn't for everyone but I feel it helps me and in the grand scheme of things £50 a month isn't going to make a difference.

To answer your question, if he had a better paid job I could take a lower paid one.

You end up paying for a while load of expenses due to the ridiculous stresses of your job!
Honestly wanting a partner who is working full time to also pick up and evening and weekend job is insane.
What’s the point? You have no kids, it should be totally doable for him to not have to work a part time job on top of his full time job.
If you want to take another job you’re just going to have to cut some unnecessary expenses.

£50 a month for my therapist. £36 a month physio.

I don't want him to take an extra job. I would like him to get a different one.

You are two adults so everything should be 50:50.

if you pay for the car and all its costs, work out the percentage of use an pay accordingly.

then it is up to you to spend your money on what you want.

To answer your question, if he had a better paid job I could take a lower paid one.

You're going around in circles. He doesn't want to change his job so you need to change yours.

I would find a couple of jobs that you would like to do, look at the pay, and then sit down and have a frank talk with him. Say that you simply cannot work the way you are doing now, and want to take a job like the ones you have found, and you need to have a conversation about what that will mean for your finances. So you won't be asking him to take on a more stressful job, but he needs to support you in wanting to take a less stressful job, and your lifestyle will need to be impacted accordingly. So no more fancy holidays etc.

If he's not happy to consider a change in lifestyle to support your health, then he can find another job to make up the shortfall. He doesn't get to make all the decisions.

He can't drive. It's my car.

If we paid for everything 50/50 then we would have to make changes that he won't discuss making, I would be prepared to make them but he won't talk about it.

He doesn't get to make all the decisions.

This. And he's got very used to doing this. Boundaries are hard to establish but you need to change the script OP.

If you're working all hours and earning the majority of the income, he should be doing the majority at home. You don't have children, it should be manageable for him to take over all chores to support you.

It wouldn't solve the money problem but might make you feel more supported and less resentful.

You do sound like you're burning out.

I think you need to put it to him- where does he want to make changes in terms of your outgoings? Because you can't afford this lifestyle anymore.

I want to change mine but that's not feasible if he won't change his or we make lifestyle changes that he doesn't want to make.