To think DH needs to pull his weight more

[Tabtabtabby]

Hi everyone, looking for opinions on something I have been stewing over for ages. I think it's long, sorry.

DH and I have been married for 14 years and together for 16. He is 48 and I am 44. No kids, not for any real reason, just a combination of things (I know this is MN but I also value the honest advice so hope it's ok that I'm not actually a mum?).

Anyway, I have been working for 30 years now. My parents were very old-fashioned and insisted on me bringing an income into the home from when I was old enough to get a job. I was only allowed to stay on to do A levels providing I worked the equivalent of full-time and so was working 30 hours a week from the age of 16 onwards. Through uni I always worked, including 80 or 90 hours a week in the holidays.

I now have a very successful but very stressful job. I am expected to answer phone calls from junior staff day and night, always be on my emails, develop any new skill to support the business at the drop of a hat (I have just been put on a £5k professional diploma course without being asked and have had to then negotiate the time to attend the classes and the work). I am well paid for this and I am not trying to make out that I am hard done by. But the reality is that I am knackered and I feel like an old lady although I'm only 44. I am stressed, anxious, get depressed and have a therapist. I do feel I could burnout at any time.

DH works in a relatively low-skilled job, literally 8-5 M-F with an hour for lunch. No emails outside of work, no real responsibility. He earns about a third of what I do. I pay 2/3 of all our household expenses and have outgoings that he doesn't (I have a car, he can't drive; I'm expected to wear professional clothing at work which costs money, he has a uniform; I have to go to work events and conferences which I get reimbursed for but need money for upfront). I also spend a lot of money on health-related things that I feel I need (such as therapy, physio) while he doesn't have those kinds of costs. I am also putting a lot of my income into a pension (£500/month) for us to both live on when we retire as he has the auto-enrolment which he only started when he had to, when he was 40, and pays the minimum. We split most household chores 50/50, I cook a bit more because I enjoy it more. We also don't mind about what each spends our surplus income on.

DH has loads of skills, he is super literate and numerate, very clever, and quite frankly could do much better for work. However, every time I try to get him to consider changing jobs there is always a barrier. Not being able to drive is a big factor as it makes it hard to get to workplaces/be flexible but he adamantly won't learn. He won't consider any role which needs evening or weekend working. He isn't super IT literate and won't develop this although I have offered to fund training for him (in this or anything else). I recently started pushing him again to look for jobs and tbf he applied for a few but he always buggers the recruitment process up. He won't ask for advice from me (who recruits people as part of my job) or his sister who is a HR professional, so if he gets an interview he doesn't prepare and then just doesn't get the job. He seems to think if it doesn't fall into his lap then it's not meant to be.

Neither of us wants to change our lifestyle- we like our house and where we live although I worry about the cost of bills since everything has been going up. Our mortgage went up by £500 in January and I have been paying £400 of that. He leaves all the bills and that kind of admin to me and simply says he can't afford to give me any more money- but he also won't countenance restricting some of the things we like to do like going on holiday.

The thought of still doing this job (or one like it) for another 20 years fills me with dread. I don't think I have it in me. We are very happily married right now but this issue is starting to fester with me and I don't want to it to lead to me resenting him. I have tried to discuss it but he just says he's tried and we're fine because my job is secure (true) and I could be a bit less stressed (possibly true).

I am starting to think he just needs to suck it up and get a better paying job so that I can either cut my hours or look for a less stressful one- but AIBU?

Show him this post. Just do that.
If he’s lovely and caring (which I assume he is, as you say you’re happily married), this will lay it out for him and lift the veil from his eyes.

Good luck. It’s great that you’ve recognised this issue before it becomes a destructive force in your otherwise happy marriage. xx

@Tabtabtabby you sound like a very able and competent person. Why are you failing to hold boundaries with work and your H?
You are being taken advantage of in both areas and you need to address why you are allowing it to happen. Do you really need to be on call 24/7? Will someone die or something catastrophic happen if you don't take calls after 7pm? When you are on holiday who manages the businesses then?

I think you need to reduce your working hours. What you are doing now is not sustainable in the long run.

I also think you need to cut your cloth accordingly. Your H can't demand a standard of living that he isn't paying for and can't afford. Things need to change. You can't force him to get a better job but similarly he can't force you to continue to work like a dog in order to sustain his lifestyle. You need to find a compromise or go your separate ways.

He sounds like he has his work/home life balance spot on. He has put his own boundaries in place (doesn't want to work evening weekends, doesn't want to be on call). However, the consequences for him must be that he cuts back on his spending for luxuries.

You on the other hand have yours completely out of whack. If you are stressed to the point of needing a therapist, surely that's telling you that you need to re-evaluate.

You are thinking about things from your point of view but look at life from his perspective, he has a partner who works ridiculous hours, if you are on call, your job probably encroaches into your time together and you are highly stressed. Why should he change his job and take on more to be as miserable as you?

It's not about it being feasible or not. Change your job, make savings and cut backs. If the money isn't there he won't have an option but to discuss the issues.

I think you need to speak to your employer and renegotiate your salary and working hours. They won’t find anyone else willing to take it on.
you have got stuck in a martyr job of I’m the only person that can do it but if you died then they would advise the job before you were even cold.

tell husband that things are changing. Go through all bills subscriptions etc and cancel stuff. See where your money is actually going. You may then find you can take a lower paid job.

he doesn’t have to change his job but you can as you have control over that. Downsize the house if need be. Stop driving him places you don’t need to go to. We only have one car and can both drive but one of us will use public transport as we prioritise where are kid needs to be and so whoever is out will train or bus back and the other one drive our kid etc.

you can only change what you have control over.
so speak to boss and tell them you need a pay rise or assistant or whatever you need.
apply for jobs so they see you are serious

sort out bills and cancel stuff.

review household finances in light of mortgage etc

cut back on holidays if the price is stressing you out

2 adults with no children why on earth would you have all these outgoings and stresses.

Sell up, buy something smaller and cheaper and you take a calmer job. Or split up, then the house will have to be sold anyway.

Working full time and doing half of the housework isn't lazy. Nor is it his fault you chose to go into such a ridiculous job. And I absolutely wouldn't change my job or retrain from a role I enjoyed because my DH told me to? That's incredibly controlling and if the attitude towards him you're showing now is as obvious to him, I wouldn't be with you very long.

However, if YOU are unhappy with YOUR decisions, YOU need to change. Not expect him to. And when that change lowers the family income he will have no choice but not to share bills proportionate to your new income and let go of some luxuries. Most adults have had to do that these past few years anyway and you shouldn't have to kill yourself to fund his holidays. Tell him what you're planning and then he can make his own choice to look for a better paying job or cut back.

@RoomOfRequirement you’ve missed the part where he says she has to stay in the job so that he can carry on enjoying a certain standard of living, and that he isn’t willing to step up the effort to match her workload instead so they can keep the current lifestyle.

He doesn't get a say - that's my point. OP needs to make her change she needs for herself, not tell him to get a new job. When the household income decreases he won't have a choice and can decide himself whether he gets a new job or cuts back.

@RoomOfRequirement yes absolutely

You need a new job and to learn some boundaries. NO ONE needs to be that available for their employer.

Your husband needs to either earn more or cut his expectations to fit a reduced income.

You need to use the therapy time to explore how your teenage years set you on this unhealthy course. No wonder you are burnt out and have zero boundaries re: work if you were working full time whilst studying for A Levels and a degree.

What your parents did was not ok.

I agree with @Ginmonkeyagain you are being taken advantage of by employer.

My take is that you cannot dictate what DH should do. However, you do have control of what you do.

I would jack in the job before it killed me, and take a lower paying job. You seem very resistant to downsizing but honestly your quality of life seems shit.

If DH protests, point out you are burnt out, and the alternative is that he takes his turn at a higher paid job.

YABU. I earn less than my DH. Admittedly when a better paid job came up at work I took it and I’m now trying to get on a course to hopefully better myself but he’s had the opportunity to earn more over the years. He pays more into the bills. We both pay for our own car. Holidays I try to pay 50:50 but he doesn’t think I should. He believes we should have the same money as he is nice like that

Just get a new job and the lifestyle changes that your DH is resistant to will happen automatically, without the need for a conversation/ his approval.

If he says he doesn’t like it or asks you how you’re going to fix it, just tell him he will have to find a way to fund the things that he wants because this is all you are able to contribute moving forward.