To think DH needs to pull his weight more

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Hi everyone, looking for opinions on something I have been stewing over for ages. I think it's long, sorry.

DH and I have been married for 14 years and together for 16. He is 48 and I am 44. No kids, not for any real reason, just a combination of things (I know this is MN but I also value the honest advice so hope it's ok that I'm not actually a mum?).

Anyway, I have been working for 30 years now. My parents were very old-fashioned and insisted on me bringing an income into the home from when I was old enough to get a job. I was only allowed to stay on to do A levels providing I worked the equivalent of full-time and so was working 30 hours a week from the age of 16 onwards. Through uni I always worked, including 80 or 90 hours a week in the holidays.

I now have a very successful but very stressful job. I am expected to answer phone calls from junior staff day and night, always be on my emails, develop any new skill to support the business at the drop of a hat (I have just been put on a £5k professional diploma course without being asked and have had to then negotiate the time to attend the classes and the work). I am well paid for this and I am not trying to make out that I am hard done by. But the reality is that I am knackered and I feel like an old lady although I'm only 44. I am stressed, anxious, get depressed and have a therapist. I do feel I could burnout at any time.

DH works in a relatively low-skilled job, literally 8-5 M-F with an hour for lunch. No emails outside of work, no real responsibility. He earns about a third of what I do. I pay 2/3 of all our household expenses and have outgoings that he doesn't (I have a car, he can't drive; I'm expected to wear professional clothing at work which costs money, he has a uniform; I have to go to work events and conferences which I get reimbursed for but need money for upfront). I also spend a lot of money on health-related things that I feel I need (such as therapy, physio) while he doesn't have those kinds of costs. I am also putting a lot of my income into a pension (£500/month) for us to both live on when we retire as he has the auto-enrolment which he only started when he had to, when he was 40, and pays the minimum. We split most household chores 50/50, I cook a bit more because I enjoy it more. We also don't mind about what each spends our surplus income on.

DH has loads of skills, he is super literate and numerate, very clever, and quite frankly could do much better for work. However, every time I try to get him to consider changing jobs there is always a barrier. Not being able to drive is a big factor as it makes it hard to get to workplaces/be flexible but he adamantly won't learn. He won't consider any role which needs evening or weekend working. He isn't super IT literate and won't develop this although I have offered to fund training for him (in this or anything else). I recently started pushing him again to look for jobs and tbf he applied for a few but he always buggers the recruitment process up. He won't ask for advice from me (who recruits people as part of my job) or his sister who is a HR professional, so if he gets an interview he doesn't prepare and then just doesn't get the job. He seems to think if it doesn't fall into his lap then it's not meant to be.

Neither of us wants to change our lifestyle- we like our house and where we live although I worry about the cost of bills since everything has been going up. Our mortgage went up by £500 in January and I have been paying £400 of that. He leaves all the bills and that kind of admin to me and simply says he can't afford to give me any more money- but he also won't countenance restricting some of the things we like to do like going on holiday.

The thought of still doing this job (or one like it) for another 20 years fills me with dread. I don't think I have it in me. We are very happily married right now but this issue is starting to fester with me and I don't want to it to lead to me resenting him. I have tried to discuss it but he just says he's tried and we're fine because my job is secure (true) and I could be a bit less stressed (possibly true).

I am starting to think he just needs to suck it up and get a better paying job so that I can either cut my hours or look for a less stressful one- but AIBU?

I think there are a couple of parallel issues here.

Re the job - I don't blame him for not wanting to take on more. He's got a happy comfortable life. However, I also don't balme you for not wanting to stick with the very stresful job. So as a couple, you need to be working out how you can either make your stress less (eg he picks up a lot more at home etc) or how you can afford for you to work in a less well paid role.

The second issue is that he seems to be burying his head int he sand about costs. Me and DH have seen our outgoings go up by at least 50% over the two years. In part, like you, we had a massive increase in our mortgage due to interest rates. Bills etc have gone up. We do have the added expense of children's activities which are increasing in both number and cost. We have cut back on so many things - we don't buy new clothes, we aren't eating out, we're watching the grocery spend etc etc - but the bills just keep gettin gbigger and bigger. He appears to be oblivious to this.

finally, if you have been subsidising for years, you get to decide you are not able to do that any more. I mean, for a start, if your bills have gone up, have your respective amount to pay in gone up proportionally? Doesn't sound like it if you're paying 80% of the increased mortgage vs just 20% for him. So at the very least, you should be insisting that the original proportions you agreed to must be stuck with - and he needs to fork up (and/or you both agree to cut back).

Re extras and nice things, cut back. You need a holiday - downgrade, or do al ong weekend with girlfriends and save money. If he's not contributing, fuck him.

I think some posters are missing the point a bit

OP's DH would be 'pulling his weight' if they lived the type of lifestyle they could afford if OP had an easy, but low paid job like him.

However he's not pulling his weight for the lifestyle they actually have (big house, nice holidays etc) - a lifestyle it seems he primarily wants but OP primarily funds.

He sounds pretty selfish. He's getting nice holidays at the expense of his wife's happiness and stress levels and isn't willing to compromise at all.

This is very good advice. These threads are the absolute worst in mumsnet sexism. Low paid men are to be avoided. Low paid women should never be asked to earn/work more.

He does however need to temper his life expectations as a result.

@FrivolousKitchenRollUse I tend to find the low paid women are low paid because they also work inside the home more than their full time partners and of course cover childcare that goes unappreciated.

Ops situation is nothing like that.

I donthink her husband should have to get a different job but he can't expect the op to stay in a job that is ruining her health because he wants a lifestyle he can't or won't fund fairly himself.

Through uni I always worked, including 80 or 90 hours a week in the holidays.

You worked 90 hour weeks through the summer holidays at Uni? So 12-13 hours, 7 days a week???

Change jobs. Get something less stressful. You sound run off your feet.

Maybe then he'll reconsider his salary/downsizing/ luxuries.

Happily married !!! He certainly has a good deal.

This is why i suggested fair play

Societal norms suggest she is prob doing more than 50% at home which reinforces he should be doing more..

But if they do the game and he is doing 80/20 OR is happy to start doing 80/20 wellllllll maybe thats more equitable and OP should accept she has the more demanding job and he does more at home.

Either way i do think @IdLikeToBeAFraser has a point the job is a problem irrespective of how much your husband earns.

You have to get a new less stressful job, it’s unsustainable to carry on as you are.

You both need to cut your lifestyle to suit your new income. He will have no choice if the money just isn’t there to pay for things.

The bigger issue is his refusal to discuss it. Maybe he thinks you’ll try to force him into a better paid job which he clearly doesn’t want. Let him know you WILL be getting an easier job you don’t need his permission to do so. Identify some jobs you can go for, what the salary will be and put a joint financial plan together. If he’s not willing to do that then I’m afraid the marriage is over.

But why should one person have to work over and above, or do MOST of the chores around their full time job because the other spouse chooses to work ridiculous hours?
The reality is he isn’t stopping OP from changing jobs. “He won’t talk about it” what’s there to talk about? If she doesnt enjoy it then a more typical 9-5 is more realistic. Whats the point in killing yourself to the point of resentment and not enjoying life at the end of the day?

You want different things out of life. If you separated, and took a less stressful lower paid job but just did what you want and lived how you want, and he did his own thing, wouldn't that be better? What do you get out of living with him?

So he's happy for you to continue working like you do. To find the lifestyle he and you both have, but won't do anything to contribute more to it? I would be stressed at that too. Maybe you need to look for jobs less stressful and tell him that you will be selling the house to downsize the financial contribution you're having to make, and less luxuries full stop as currently he seems quite happy to continue the current lifestyle you have without doing anything at all to maintain it.

And as for him liking to go on holidays- surely you juts stop booking them if he can't afford them?

I earn quite a bit more than DH and I put more effort in, to my work and to keeping on top of our household finances. I'm not resentful, he is the man I married and I've always valued being able to stand on my own two feet, BUT I cannot in a million years imagine him behaving as yours does. To refuse to even discuss any of your very reasonable solutions to your stress levels while not doing or even suggesting an alternative is a fucking outrage.

It's not about whether it's ok to not be a high earner, it's about putting all the pressure of a shared problem onto one person and then getting in their way when they try to fix it - he's doing the equivalent of expecting you to change every single nappy and refusing to support potty training.

And I hope he's prepared for a different standard of living then

Your job sounds like an absolute nightmare.
I'd suggest rethink what you want to
do with the rest of your life.
I gave up a high pressure role with lots of demands on my time and mind.
You may earn less money but your life will feel much better and you'll feel more content.
Nobody can keep up what you're doing indefinitely.

So what??? It’s not a matter of talking about it, just tell him!!! I can’t work like this much longer, so I’m going to take a lower paid job and live like you do. No more expensive holidays or meals out unless you fan more. Just take control of the situation and tell him what’s happening!!

Earn more, not fan more!!

You need a different job and he'll have to accept the lifestyle changes that come with this, unless he's prepared to get a new job that pays more.

You don't need his permission to change your job.

If you want a change then you will probably need to got divorced. Better now than later as the longer it goes on the more you will have to pay him.

Well, he can't have it both ways! He wants his "easy" job but doesn't want to have the more minimal lifestyle that buys. I'd crunch some numbers, look at how much you actually need to live on including if you downsized or went for a cheaper house. How much would you need to earn? Then look at jobs in that pay bracket and see if you can find something less stressful/full on. Then you can present it to him either you take on less stressful job and you as a couple live a less luxurious lifestyle or he finds a more highly paid job to bridge the gap.

He has nothing to gain from getting a higher paid job - he gets all he needs now. If he was a good man he would care that you're burnt out providing this great lifestyle for him. He'd be willing to get a better job/cut back. But he's not.

Not engaging in the discussion is not OK. It’s basically a sulker’s veto.

Nah. Low paid men aren't to be avoided. Low paid men who happily watch their wives destroy themselves are. Same the other way round too. He's become very accustomed to the lifestyle you provide hasn't he? He's certainly smart though I'll give him that. He's living his dream life on the back of your ill health.
You need to ask yourself, why do you allow him to shut down any discussions?
You need to tell him that you will be looking for a new job and therefore your lifestyle will change. Tell him, dont ask. Then do it. Get the house valued, book the cheaper holidays. He isn't going to look out for you OP, only you can. Or you can do as he says and hurtle towards burnout.

You need to have a serious discussion. It's not fair for you to go on like this. But also if he's happy I don't think it's ok for you to push him to work more. The obvious solution would be for you to cut costs by moving to a cheaper home/area and cutting down on luxuries so that you can reduce your hours or change jobs. If DH is not happy with that then he needs to earn more to make up for your reduced earnings.

Tbh it sounds like you'd be better off alone. Get a less stressful job, a nice little house or flat, downgrade on the car, food for one doesn't cost much and you could go on holidays that suit your preferences and budget.
I don't get what he's contributing really, nothing wrong with not being in a high powered job but there's something very wrong about watching your partner run themselves into the ground so you can still have a fancy holiday.