To think DH needs to pull his weight more

[Tabtabtabby]

Hi everyone, looking for opinions on something I have been stewing over for ages. I think it's long, sorry.

DH and I have been married for 14 years and together for 16. He is 48 and I am 44. No kids, not for any real reason, just a combination of things (I know this is MN but I also value the honest advice so hope it's ok that I'm not actually a mum?).

Anyway, I have been working for 30 years now. My parents were very old-fashioned and insisted on me bringing an income into the home from when I was old enough to get a job. I was only allowed to stay on to do A levels providing I worked the equivalent of full-time and so was working 30 hours a week from the age of 16 onwards. Through uni I always worked, including 80 or 90 hours a week in the holidays.

I now have a very successful but very stressful job. I am expected to answer phone calls from junior staff day and night, always be on my emails, develop any new skill to support the business at the drop of a hat (I have just been put on a £5k professional diploma course without being asked and have had to then negotiate the time to attend the classes and the work). I am well paid for this and I am not trying to make out that I am hard done by. But the reality is that I am knackered and I feel like an old lady although I'm only 44. I am stressed, anxious, get depressed and have a therapist. I do feel I could burnout at any time.

DH works in a relatively low-skilled job, literally 8-5 M-F with an hour for lunch. No emails outside of work, no real responsibility. He earns about a third of what I do. I pay 2/3 of all our household expenses and have outgoings that he doesn't (I have a car, he can't drive; I'm expected to wear professional clothing at work which costs money, he has a uniform; I have to go to work events and conferences which I get reimbursed for but need money for upfront). I also spend a lot of money on health-related things that I feel I need (such as therapy, physio) while he doesn't have those kinds of costs. I am also putting a lot of my income into a pension (£500/month) for us to both live on when we retire as he has the auto-enrolment which he only started when he had to, when he was 40, and pays the minimum. We split most household chores 50/50, I cook a bit more because I enjoy it more. We also don't mind about what each spends our surplus income on.

DH has loads of skills, he is super literate and numerate, very clever, and quite frankly could do much better for work. However, every time I try to get him to consider changing jobs there is always a barrier. Not being able to drive is a big factor as it makes it hard to get to workplaces/be flexible but he adamantly won't learn. He won't consider any role which needs evening or weekend working. He isn't super IT literate and won't develop this although I have offered to fund training for him (in this or anything else). I recently started pushing him again to look for jobs and tbf he applied for a few but he always buggers the recruitment process up. He won't ask for advice from me (who recruits people as part of my job) or his sister who is a HR professional, so if he gets an interview he doesn't prepare and then just doesn't get the job. He seems to think if it doesn't fall into his lap then it's not meant to be.

Neither of us wants to change our lifestyle- we like our house and where we live although I worry about the cost of bills since everything has been going up. Our mortgage went up by £500 in January and I have been paying £400 of that. He leaves all the bills and that kind of admin to me and simply says he can't afford to give me any more money- but he also won't countenance restricting some of the things we like to do like going on holiday.

The thought of still doing this job (or one like it) for another 20 years fills me with dread. I don't think I have it in me. We are very happily married right now but this issue is starting to fester with me and I don't want to it to lead to me resenting him. I have tried to discuss it but he just says he's tried and we're fine because my job is secure (true) and I could be a bit less stressed (possibly true).

I am starting to think he just needs to suck it up and get a better paying job so that I can either cut my hours or look for a less stressful one- but AIBU?

What is your feeling about how he would handle illness and the resulting fal in income? Do you think he would care for you through thick or thin?

Obviously the H issue needs addressing, but I'm wondering if part of the issue is around boundaries both at work and at home.

What would happen if you put an out of hours on your email before say 8 am and after 6pm ? Had your phone on answer phone outside those hours as well ? It's hard to imagine someone so highly paid that they are sustaining an expensive lifestyle practically solo, but so poorly thought of that they enrolled you on a course without even asking if you could take it on. Again what would have happened if you said no I have enough on my plate, you should have asked before signing me on to that?

Unless you resolve your own boundary issues, the reality is you will end up doing long hours in a less well paid job.

I don’t want to be unnecessarily harsh to @Tabtabtabby but there are honestly VERY few jobs I’ve come across where people are genuinely REQUIRED to work to this level with so much stress. OP hasn’t said what she does, but I’d be surprised if she couldn’t make changes.

Some of it is required and TBH I do get taken advantage of too. I have been in the job a long time and am heavily relied upon.

I think your unreasonable to force him to get another job. You cut your cloth to suit your income. So if you don't want to be doing the job your doing then it's down size and have a cheaper lifestyle

Yeah pretty well. When Tesco had the hours for me. 6/7am until 8/9pm. I had to, I had to save for the next year as I obviously couldn’t work so much in term time (I only did about 20 hours a week). My family gave me no financial support, my parents’ only concession to me being at uni was not charging me rent in the holidays.

You've said you want to go on the holidays too because you need a break so fair enough, you probably need to pay for those. What other lifestyle changes to cut cost is he refusing to make? Surely you have a voice in this, if you don't pay for things they can't happen.

You shouldn't be paying two thirds of household bills when you're already covering so much more of the pension and covering holidays etc.

He basically said 'we can't live on that'.

If we paid for everything 50/50 then we would have to make changes that he won't discuss making, I would be prepared to make them but he won't talk about it.

OP you can't force him to change jobs or do more around the house. But equally he cannot force you to stay in a job that's going to end up with a crash and burn.

He's not your boss. If you want to change jobs do it, and he will have to live with the consequences.

He won't talk about it because he has no intention of losing his lifestyle. As far as he's concerned there's nothing to talk about. So go ahead and do what you want to do. He doesn't get to demand a luxury life on your dollar.

Household bills, all of them are 50/50. Stop paying 2/3 of everything. If he wants to continue to have the luxury of holidays and lifestyle he is living by only paying 1/3 of household bills then he needs to get a better paying job.

He doesn't need to discuss this if he doesn't want to but he's not caring for children, he has chosen this job and stress free life but he has to also split financial responsibilities 50/50 too.

You will have less to pay then and can find a less demanding job.

You are married to someone you can’t talk to?

Why?

I can’t think of one reason which would keep me in a relationship like yours.

Having a vehicle is a normal cost of maintain ing a household. He needs to contribute to that and your therapy and physio are medical needs of your household. He isn't pulling his weight financially.

@Tabtabtabby

Why does being heavily relied upon mean
those hours are normal? What do you do?

I’m heavily relied upon and I’ve been called after hours or on the weekend maybe 3 times in 10 years.

I run three businesses on behalf of the owner. I am overall responsible for everything.

So why don’t you hire some proper help?

If she pays 2/3 and he pays 1/3 why does he think he need only pay 1/5 of rhe mortgage increase. He is living off her. If he isn't prepared to step up then yes the OP should leave. Why do you think she should take the brunt of the responsibility to prepare for retirement?

She married him presumably with that job. He’s been paying the same mortgage for years. She choose to get married, get the mortgage with him. He isn’t going to bring more money in. Only she has the power to control her situation

You look at the jobs and salaries and work out the pay cut.
You work out what you would cut from
your family expenditure if it was up to you to choose.
Is it affordable? Could you still enjoy your lives a little?
Then you tell him you need to change your job and you’re going to start applying with a view to starting in 3 months.
Ask him, does he prefer to get a better paid job or cut the luxuries?
Frankly if you change your job the ball will be in his court won’t it as if he doesn’t get a better paid job he’ll have to give up luxuries

You are being used by this business owner to line their pockets.

you need to deal with this and the historic issues (working 80-90 hour weeks as a teenager is v demanding)

DH is coasting though.

If we paid for everything 50/50 then we would have to make changes that he won't discuss making, I would be prepared to make them but he won't talk about it.

this is the root of the problem… what’ a lazy cocklodger. You are supposed to be a team.

Sounds like your employer is taking advantage of you. Also sounds like your DH is in a bit of a rut but don't think it's fair to blame him for earning less than u.

When DH and I met, he was unemployed. He isn't still unemployed. What bizarre logic.

Well he wasn’t going to be on a higher wage now was he? So he was either on a lower salary or the same. His name is on the mortgage so they would have to assess his income and see if the they could afford it. OP went ahead with the mortgage.

He seems to wield a lot of decision making power, every comment you have posted is you saying “I want X but he just won’t agree”.

You need to toughen up and start telling, not asking.

He can suck up no holidays and treats and a huge home until he coughs up and starts acting like an actual partner and not a whining child who just says “but I don’t want to”.

OP isn't blaming him for earning less. The issue is that he demands a lifestyle which can only be achieved by her working herself into the ground, won't even discuss her changing to a less challenging job because it means she'll earn less, flatly refuses to forego any of the benefits to which he clearly thinks he's entitled, and won't do anything at all to make a contribution towards affording that lifestyle.