To think DH needs to pull his weight more

[Tabtabtabby]

Hi everyone, looking for opinions on something I have been stewing over for ages. I think it's long, sorry.

DH and I have been married for 14 years and together for 16. He is 48 and I am 44. No kids, not for any real reason, just a combination of things (I know this is MN but I also value the honest advice so hope it's ok that I'm not actually a mum?).

Anyway, I have been working for 30 years now. My parents were very old-fashioned and insisted on me bringing an income into the home from when I was old enough to get a job. I was only allowed to stay on to do A levels providing I worked the equivalent of full-time and so was working 30 hours a week from the age of 16 onwards. Through uni I always worked, including 80 or 90 hours a week in the holidays.

I now have a very successful but very stressful job. I am expected to answer phone calls from junior staff day and night, always be on my emails, develop any new skill to support the business at the drop of a hat (I have just been put on a £5k professional diploma course without being asked and have had to then negotiate the time to attend the classes and the work). I am well paid for this and I am not trying to make out that I am hard done by. But the reality is that I am knackered and I feel like an old lady although I'm only 44. I am stressed, anxious, get depressed and have a therapist. I do feel I could burnout at any time.

DH works in a relatively low-skilled job, literally 8-5 M-F with an hour for lunch. No emails outside of work, no real responsibility. He earns about a third of what I do. I pay 2/3 of all our household expenses and have outgoings that he doesn't (I have a car, he can't drive; I'm expected to wear professional clothing at work which costs money, he has a uniform; I have to go to work events and conferences which I get reimbursed for but need money for upfront). I also spend a lot of money on health-related things that I feel I need (such as therapy, physio) while he doesn't have those kinds of costs. I am also putting a lot of my income into a pension (£500/month) for us to both live on when we retire as he has the auto-enrolment which he only started when he had to, when he was 40, and pays the minimum. We split most household chores 50/50, I cook a bit more because I enjoy it more. We also don't mind about what each spends our surplus income on.

DH has loads of skills, he is super literate and numerate, very clever, and quite frankly could do much better for work. However, every time I try to get him to consider changing jobs there is always a barrier. Not being able to drive is a big factor as it makes it hard to get to workplaces/be flexible but he adamantly won't learn. He won't consider any role which needs evening or weekend working. He isn't super IT literate and won't develop this although I have offered to fund training for him (in this or anything else). I recently started pushing him again to look for jobs and tbf he applied for a few but he always buggers the recruitment process up. He won't ask for advice from me (who recruits people as part of my job) or his sister who is a HR professional, so if he gets an interview he doesn't prepare and then just doesn't get the job. He seems to think if it doesn't fall into his lap then it's not meant to be.

Neither of us wants to change our lifestyle- we like our house and where we live although I worry about the cost of bills since everything has been going up. Our mortgage went up by £500 in January and I have been paying £400 of that. He leaves all the bills and that kind of admin to me and simply says he can't afford to give me any more money- but he also won't countenance restricting some of the things we like to do like going on holiday.

The thought of still doing this job (or one like it) for another 20 years fills me with dread. I don't think I have it in me. We are very happily married right now but this issue is starting to fester with me and I don't want to it to lead to me resenting him. I have tried to discuss it but he just says he's tried and we're fine because my job is secure (true) and I could be a bit less stressed (possibly true).

I am starting to think he just needs to suck it up and get a better paying job so that I can either cut my hours or look for a less stressful one- but AIBU?

I have done as you suggest in the past. Maybe 3-4 years ago pre covid. Worked out a budget and everything. Admittedly not recently. He basically said 'we can't live on that'.

That's not his decision to make. I really really don't understand how two people working full time with no children can't live a comfortable lifestyle without one of them on constant burnout. If it's an option for you to cut your workload - do it. Never mind about him, you will have less money but you will be happier yes? Or maybe you would be happier without him? You don't exactly speak about him glowingly

You're 'on call' essentially all the time? You really shouldn't be, that's insane and never allows you to have proper down time. It will make you ill. Please talk to you employer about this, the business should be able to function while you're not in your working hours. promise me you'll do this.

Tbh I'm surprised how many people have said you are not being unreasonable!!

You are no happy in your job to the extent you need therapy and admit your taken advantage of but you expect your partner to do the same.

You say he won't change his lifestyle but then say he'd happily not have a holiday (which is usually the biggest yearly expense) but you want one regardless.

He doesn't drive which affects where he can work but would also be an additional cost to run two cars.

Is he happy in his job/life? If so why would he want to change that especially when he sees you so unhappy and stressed. Why would you want that for him.

You either need to speak to your work and discuss boundaries and work life balance especially where you are being taken advantage of.

You say there's no jobs out there on similar pay that you are qualified for. Have you spoken to recruitment agencies etc? There may not be loads of jobs if it's a niche area but there would be something eventually even if not straight away. Could you retrain in something yli actually enjoy doing?

Ultimately if he doesn't want you to get a different job that would mean any sacrifice then he is being unreasonable but at the minute you sound resentful that he has a job he enjoys and only want him to get a different one so he can suffer like you.

Oh OP, you sound at breaking point and I agree, you can't go on another few years like this, never mind 20.

He is being incredibly unreasonable to not even discuss moving to a cheaper location or changing lifestyle.

But I also think, you can't expect him to get a higher paid job, if he's not motivated to do so. It'll cause more resentment.

Who initiates the expensive activities/holidays? Stop booking them, put the money aside for moving costs/buffer zone for a new job. If he says he wants to book, tell him he'll have to fund it himself, as you are preparing to move/ find a lower paid job.

Can you take a few months off on stress and reflect on what you really want out of life? Cus life is way to short to be on call 24/7 and this stressed. It will help you slow down and realise what you really want out of life. And it may help you see his perspective, why would he want a job that will make his life harder.

By you refusing to contribute to extra things that make him have a life style above his pay packet, hopefully he'll also realise that he is being very unreasonable to expect you to work yourself into the ground so he can have nice things.

Then hopefully you can find a way forward together. If not, he's not got your best interests at heart and I suggest you find a cheap house in a quiet village and an easy job, where you can enjoy the simple things in life. Like not being attached to your emails 24/7.

I would also suggest using your time off work to reflect on what he brings to the relationship? Are you happy? Or have you been to busy to notice other cracks? It's a red flag that he's happy for you to work yourself into the ground for his happiness.

He works 8-5, Monday to Friday. In what universe is that lazy??
Its you who need to find some way to strike a better work life balance.

They’ll very much be his problem if she quits her job to find a lower paying stress free role like he has. Or would that be unfair to the poor man?

I do wonder if this is a reverse.

Do you never drive him around? Go on holiday in the car?

I don't drive but my DH does and all car- related expenses except petrol for his work journeys come out of the joint account. You shouldn't be forking out for everything to do with the car.

You do know you're basically pushing him the way your parents pushed you? You're repeating that patrern of behaviour and you don't sound all that happy for it.

Why isnhim changing the only option? Why not consider splitting up or reducing your hours? Or is walking away failing?

No, you shouldn't do 2/thirds, my point is that making him changes isn't the only choice.

You need to say you are stepping down and getting a new job like his and that changes will have to happen to lifestyle

he has every right not to get a new job he cannot though not listen to you when you are saying it is your right to change yours and get something better for you
he then has choices step up into the void or help with sorting out your finances

This is very good advice as you can't change others, only yourself.

I would insist that he ups his pension contributions and he would have to contribute more than a third. His choices need to impact more on him so there are consequences for him.

Change job.. Stop discussing it with him. Your life will have to alter and he can like it or leave.

I think the most unhealthy relationship is the one that you have with your employer. Closely followed by your parents!

Finding a new job would be a good idea because the change of scene would enable you to set new boundaries in the workplace.

In terms of your marital relationship, people don’t often change and you probably knew who he was a long time ago. He works, but apart from that is pretty laid-back. Did those relaxed, laid back elements of his personality appeal at one point? Or, putting it another way, if you wanted a high-energy, dynamic, career-minded man then surely you would have married one? But if you had, then you might have found yourself with different problems…

The only question is whether you can change anything about your own life to make yourself feel happier. This might be changing jobs, taking time off or separating from your husband, but only you can do it.

The car that you use to drive him around, right? He gets double benefit from the car. He uses it for his transport, and he gets a free driver to boot and never has to think had about the route, timing, parking, fuel, maintenance. Nor does he ever have to be designated driver. He should definitely be contributing even if he doesn’t drive it. Or does he never expect you to ferry him around?

Who pays for the holidays? Does he pay 1/3? Maybe if you’re feeling under financial pressure for to paying 80% of the increase to your mortgage cost, he needs to pay 50/50 for holidays. If he can’t afford that, then it’s either cheaper or less holidays.

I think he is getting a lot more benefit from this relationship than you are. He is not willing to make any sacrifices to improve your life, but expects you to make all the sacrifices for him to have a good life. Is this truly a partnership?

Best of luck, I think you are giving your all to this relationship.

YANBU

Basically your wage is required for your current lifestyle but you are burning out

Husband could potentially get a better paid role but doesn't want to. Nor does he want to compromise on his lifestyle.

Something has to give

I would look around for another job you want to do, even if it is a pay cut and discuss with your husband about your new financial situation. If he says you cannot live on that then what does he plan to do to change it.

The current situation is not fair on you

What are you doing about your own job? This seems to be the issue.
how can you have been put on a diploma course with all that entails, without agreeing to it? Say no.
Why are you answering calls outside of work time? Dont do it.
Focus on better balance, either in your current role if you can achieve that, or look elsewhere.

At the same time you should sit down with your husband and look at your income and outgoings together and approach the topic jointly as a couple: "how are WE going to manage this" "how are we going to go ahead and what do we want to prioritise?" "Is there anything you want to do differently?". The way you've worded your message sounds like you're simply hounding him.

Sounds like you've created a situation that you're now really resentful of and you're not being very clear with your DH as to what's really going on.

I hope you can have a proper rational discussion and look at the facts and come up with some workable solution. Downsizing sounds like an option I'd be looking at urgently.

You need to:

1. carve out some time to recharge
2. dramatically cut the household budget. Sit him down, say I’ve tried to have this discussion lots of times and we are out of time. I am burning out and need to consider an easier lower paid role. Starting today we are going to live off that lower paid role so we are ready to cope. I’ve halved my contribution to the joint account, holidays are out, I’m going to take some long walks every week to help me rebalance. If we default on the mortgage then we have to sell and move. You cannot ignore our finances anymore and just assume I will carry us both. I’m done, and you can be part of the team or not.

make sure your extra you’re not transferring in is saved in an account in your name, as he would just spend it and also because you’re saving your fuck off fund here.

You both seem happy enough.
He seems to like his job.

Why not start by having him down size holidays to fit within budget.
That might spur him to earn a little more so he can splurge on the holiday.

Have a serious reworking of the budget, with thought to fairness in splitting bills similar to the percentage of income earnt and cutting down on some extravagances.

Think about the five years plan.

Haven't read all the posts. You can’t make him change jobs. But you can change your job, to a less well paid, less stressful one. And you will both have to make the lifestyle adjustments that go with that. Or he will have to step up. I think he's taking advantage of you, happy to enjoy your money.

If he was paying his way (50%), it would be different.

If this was reversed no way would you be told to work more

No he shouldn't work more you both made your job choices

OP I was you, right down to the crazy job and non driving spouse. Finally after years of misery i changed the job first. It was too much to do everything together. So I changed the job and life is easier. I know really need to work on my marriage bur at least I am coming from a calmer place. Take care and good luck

But this lifestyle he wants isn’t being funded by him.
It’s being funded at the expense of your physical and mental health.
So, no, it’s not reasonable to expect him to change his job. But it is reasonable for you to change yours