To think DH needs to pull his weight more

[Tabtabtabby]

Hi everyone, looking for opinions on something I have been stewing over for ages. I think it's long, sorry.

DH and I have been married for 14 years and together for 16. He is 48 and I am 44. No kids, not for any real reason, just a combination of things (I know this is MN but I also value the honest advice so hope it's ok that I'm not actually a mum?).

Anyway, I have been working for 30 years now. My parents were very old-fashioned and insisted on me bringing an income into the home from when I was old enough to get a job. I was only allowed to stay on to do A levels providing I worked the equivalent of full-time and so was working 30 hours a week from the age of 16 onwards. Through uni I always worked, including 80 or 90 hours a week in the holidays.

I now have a very successful but very stressful job. I am expected to answer phone calls from junior staff day and night, always be on my emails, develop any new skill to support the business at the drop of a hat (I have just been put on a £5k professional diploma course without being asked and have had to then negotiate the time to attend the classes and the work). I am well paid for this and I am not trying to make out that I am hard done by. But the reality is that I am knackered and I feel like an old lady although I'm only 44. I am stressed, anxious, get depressed and have a therapist. I do feel I could burnout at any time.

DH works in a relatively low-skilled job, literally 8-5 M-F with an hour for lunch. No emails outside of work, no real responsibility. He earns about a third of what I do. I pay 2/3 of all our household expenses and have outgoings that he doesn't (I have a car, he can't drive; I'm expected to wear professional clothing at work which costs money, he has a uniform; I have to go to work events and conferences which I get reimbursed for but need money for upfront). I also spend a lot of money on health-related things that I feel I need (such as therapy, physio) while he doesn't have those kinds of costs. I am also putting a lot of my income into a pension (£500/month) for us to both live on when we retire as he has the auto-enrolment which he only started when he had to, when he was 40, and pays the minimum. We split most household chores 50/50, I cook a bit more because I enjoy it more. We also don't mind about what each spends our surplus income on.

DH has loads of skills, he is super literate and numerate, very clever, and quite frankly could do much better for work. However, every time I try to get him to consider changing jobs there is always a barrier. Not being able to drive is a big factor as it makes it hard to get to workplaces/be flexible but he adamantly won't learn. He won't consider any role which needs evening or weekend working. He isn't super IT literate and won't develop this although I have offered to fund training for him (in this or anything else). I recently started pushing him again to look for jobs and tbf he applied for a few but he always buggers the recruitment process up. He won't ask for advice from me (who recruits people as part of my job) or his sister who is a HR professional, so if he gets an interview he doesn't prepare and then just doesn't get the job. He seems to think if it doesn't fall into his lap then it's not meant to be.

Neither of us wants to change our lifestyle- we like our house and where we live although I worry about the cost of bills since everything has been going up. Our mortgage went up by £500 in January and I have been paying £400 of that. He leaves all the bills and that kind of admin to me and simply says he can't afford to give me any more money- but he also won't countenance restricting some of the things we like to do like going on holiday.

The thought of still doing this job (or one like it) for another 20 years fills me with dread. I don't think I have it in me. We are very happily married right now but this issue is starting to fester with me and I don't want to it to lead to me resenting him. I have tried to discuss it but he just says he's tried and we're fine because my job is secure (true) and I could be a bit less stressed (possibly true).

I am starting to think he just needs to suck it up and get a better paying job so that I can either cut my hours or look for a less stressful one- but AIBU?

I have done as you suggest in the past. Maybe 3-4 years ago pre covid. Worked out a budget and everything. Admittedly not recently. He basically said 'we can't live on that'.

Also if he's insisting on a holiday then he can pay for it.

He can't force you to pay for a holiday.

My DH has a stressful full time job, I work part time in a similar role (we do have kids and I do more housework/cooking). Many times when things have been tough for him I have offered to go full time so he can reduce hours or for him to change/retrain in something else and we will cut our cloth to allow it. Because I care about his wellbeing.

it’s a shame that your husband can’t see how much this is affecting you. If you did burn out/have a breakdown you may not be able to work at all. I think you both need to read the warning signs and make some changes now. Otherwise I would be considering my future with someone who doesn’t care that you are working yourself into the ground.

True, but I want to go on holiday because I need the break!!!

If he had to pay for it we wouldn't go. He never had holidays before we were together.

OK to take a small example, a holiday.

You discuss where to go, he says AI in the Caribbean. You normally say yes. This time you say, I'm downsizing my job soon so I propose camping in Skegness and we save the remainder for the contingency when I have a less well-paying job. He whines. You say, I can't sustain my job, we need to plan for that, what's your suggestion? He still wants the holiday. You say, what's your solution? And so on.

Do what is best for you. You'll probably spend more of your life working than retired, so don't waste your life being stressed.

He will just have to accept the compromises that'll come from you putting yourself first.

"He basically said 'we can't live on that"

Champagne taste on a beer budget.

If he wants a certain lifestyle he should lace up his shoes and earn it himself. You weren't put on this earth to bankroll his wishes.

He can't make you stay in a house that's too big, if you need to downsize. Point out to him that if you were to LTB then the house could be put on the market anyway.

OP he's going to have to make changes because the current situation is untenable.

Start looking for another job, it can sometimes be a long process, look at ways of cutting costs eg change utility bill providers, change to a cheaper TV package, go on less expensive holidays, cut down on drinking etc etc

You may have to move if you can no longer afford the mortgage. At some point he'll have to voice an opinion. Just start making changes.

I have done as you suggest in the past. Maybe 3-4 years ago pre covid. Worked out a budget and everything. Admittedly not recently. He basically said 'we can't live on that'.

What he's saying is that he knows his income isn't sustainable for his lifestyle. Great. Which does he want to change? Because you are saying you can no longer sustain your levels of employment.

"I have done as you suggest in the past. Maybe 3-4 years ago pre covid. Worked out a budget and everything. Admittedly not recently. He basically said 'we can't live on that'."

@Tabtabtabby then you leave the fucker and take your life back. What a prince. He should be ashamed of himself.

He doesnt get to decide he wont talk about things.

You need a joint financial plan for the future and you being burnt out doesn't work.

Your income needs to go up or expenditure needs to go down.

I actually suggest you sit down and do "fair play" game (google it)
Because i reckon you are doing more than 50% of the house work / non job work stuff.

I don’t think it’s quite so black and white.

You need to separate the issues.

As a married couple you decided to join lives and finances. You earn more, the brunt of expenses will be borne by you. That’s just life. Either you have some kind of transactional arrangement or you just accept you’re a family and finances are joined.

I don’t understand the point of getting married and having this resentment given this is who he is and what he does. It would be like a banker marrying a nurse and getting pissed off she hasn’t got the same earning power. Salary isn’t an indication of the worthiness of a job.

You are not happy at work. You need to deal with that separate to your issues with your husband.

You cannot change him. You can’t make people change, so make a decision about what you want/need and if he’s not willing to work with you it’s time to move on.

He's got a very cushty life. He's benefitting from you killing yourself at work, getting to live a life of luxury, while simultaneously getting a easy no stress job and doesn't even have to pick up more of the housework because of it. He does half, but has more free time and less stress so he's not actually doing his share. You earn more so you pay more, he works less so should do more.

You are going to grow to resent him more and more.

I have done as you suggest in the past. Maybe 3-4 years ago pre covid. Worked out a budget and everything. Admittedly not recently. He basically said 'we can't live on that'.

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫
What he meant is "i want to mooch off you"

Re holidays i would be booking g adventures or solo holidays. What a cheeky fucker....

"True, but I want to go on holiday because I need the break!!!"

@Tabtabtabby then go on holiday but don't take him. Don't forget that being someone's partner is not just about the finances-it's also about having the other person's best interests at heart. It's about being a team and taking care of each other. He is prepared to watch you work yourself into the ground because he's enjoying the fruits of your labour while you're struggling to keep your head above water and having therapy because of the stress. Fuck that. You might need to keep paying the mortgage and bills but there's nothing to say anyone needs a holiday. So from now on, go on holiday on your own or with friends etc. and he can stay at home.

Whoa, no kids (like me)?
I would leave.
Full stop.

But ultimately he will have to. You have a right to not fund his lifestyle. And to take a job with same hours and pay as his.

You sound ready to burn out OP. Definitely start looking for another job. Don't ask your husband- just do it.

Your husband can't have things all ways - either the household expenses need to come down, or he needs to earn more.

What has he actually said when you've told him your are becoming ill and need to change your job?

I agree with other posters- the lack of concern for your welfare and willingness to find solutions would be ringing alarm bells for me.

I think you should look at changing your job for a less stressful one, even if it means a pay cut and making lifestyle changes. Your dh sounds like someone who is happy in his job, doesn’t have a lot of work stress and isn’t ambitious. He’s absolutely allowed to feel that way. But he should not expect you to fund a lifestyle that he, quite frankly cant afford. His choices are to either help fund the current lifestyle by stepping out of his comfort zone work wise or to give up the holidays etc that you currently fund.

You can’t force him to take a different job and I don’t think you should suggest it - that would have to come from him. However, you can tell him you can’t keep doing your current job. If you think him doing more at home would help then you could say that. Otherwise say you are looking for a new job and therefore you will likely need to reduce spending as a couple. Your contribution will need to reduce accordingly - his should stay same or go up depending on your new salary. He can’t just say no! Maybe do an annual holiday with a friend.
also i think you should explore changes you can make in existing role before you give up job - someone senior shouldn’t be fielding calls from more junior people at all hours. If they are more junior, you should be able to set the boundaries or tell your work it isn’t sustainable. I think you need to address both the partner and current job! He should care about your well being more than ‘things’ - esp given no kids in the mix to provide for.

It's not as much earning power as effort.

He isn't matching her effort.

She's working herself into the ground to fund their lifestyle, he has a cushy life and isn't even doing most of the chores!

When she says she wants to match HIS effort by having a lower stress job- he says 'no'. He wants her to keep working the same to fund his lifestyle.

He doesncare about you so why do you care about funding his wants?
He is willing to see you burn yourself out and ruin your health so long as he gets what he wants without having to fund it.

You need to look after yourself first op because this isn't a partnership is it, everything is unfairly balanced.

When he says, "we can't live on that" and you say, "I can't continue to live like this" what is his proposed solution? This needs a big discussion where he doesn't get to just shoot things down. He needs to be part of the solution, or he needs to get out of the way and let you change your lifestyle because this doesn't sound like it's working.

I know where PPs are coming from but when you start doing things like taking solo holidays to spite the other person, the marriage is really over. You can't go from shared finances to solo, it's the death of it.

However, he also can't refuse to discuss issues.