Husband is demanding money

[DaisyChainsandSunnyDays]

Married, 3 dc, Im 39 DH is 40
since last May I have been working part time and just in a process of changing jobs to another part time but term time only position so will be earning even less but childcare costs will go down.
I do all of the housework cooking and look after kids.

DH earns 10 x more than me if not more. We own a house. DH pays for all of the household bills and food and I pay for my car lease, car insurance, petrol, my and my DCs phone, DS pocket money, TV licence I give money to 18yo DC (from first marriage, who doesn't live with us ) this is totalling £500, The rest I have sinking funds for kids birthdays and Christmas, dentist, my therapy and long term savings.I get DLA for DC but all of that goes on private SLT

DH is not willing to do budget together, he looks after us well but he behaves like his money is his, savings are his, if he wants something like a new car, a scooter he just buys it without talking to me, he makes all financial decisions alone. He has over 35k in savings a/c
We have a joint account for food shopping and ad hoc expenses, so far I had to ask him for every penny, every time food shopping was getting delivered, every time I would need to ask. We had a massive argument and he agreed on putting enough for the month in there and this month is the first time I didn't have to ask for money.

Sorry this is so long but feel like you need back story.
My car is an older VW polo 1 litre engine. DH chose it (he's into cars and loves to have an expensive car himself) and paid 2 k deposit for and I pay for monthly
Car went in for MOT today.
DH just phoned me at work says I need money, your car will cost £700 in repairs. You need to give me £500

I said no, I don't have access to it straight away (my savings go to an account that I cant withdraw out of for a year unless closing account) he started screaming at me how I don't contribute at all, how am I working for a year now and have no money. Its my car and my problem. I told him to pay out form 'his' savings and to leave me alone, he hung up.
I'm left worrying now I know it will be hell when I get home.
Truth is I have 3k saved but I'm planning to leave DH, I think he is narcissistic and will need it.
Am I unreasonable? what do you suggest. Thank you for reading!

That's not the win you think it is.
Childcare for 24 hours/day, at a cost of what it would be for a special needs child. 20 or more/ hour

Housekeeper for however many hours a day that ensues, and they aren't cheap. Approx 4 hours/day at 25/hour

Chef, for the amount of time spent shopping for food preparing the food, cooking the food, serving the food, cleaning up. Chefs aren't cheap. 21/2 hours a day @ 30/hour

Laundress-- to cover the cost of what it would cost to clean all the clothes/sheets/towels etc. by taking them to a laundry. Oh, add in the cost of ironing also. Approx 40/wk (probably more)

Chauffeur/taxi/Uber the cost of anything that isn't home, like shopping, school/nursery drop off/pick-ups, driving to any clubs, health care visits, etc.
Approx 50/day

Secretary/receptionist--to schedule medical appts and other visits, i.e. holidays & family visits, pay bills, organize all the other workers. 7 hrs/wk 20/hr/

Gardener/Landscaper--If mowing, weeding cleaning up etc. Approx 2 hours/week 30/hr

I will leave out nursing, first aid care, pet care if needed because they vary and not always needed (if no pets), and gone on the low side for gardening and some of the chores, trying to get an average.

The OP would make out like a bandit, even at getting half of those costs and her nasty narcissistic NVDH would need to get a second job.

So, in conclusion, @Lampslights , feel free to take your misogynistic false sense of righteous superiority and put it where nothing ever shines.

Years and years ago, some economist figured out what a typical mother/wife would earn a year if she was paid for all of what she does. Back then it was over a 100K/year, and that was at least two decades ago. Women have always been undervalued for their contribution to the home and family. Usually by people like @Lampslights & @Mrsttcno1 .

you need to leave sooner, sorry you’re going through this

@Nanaof1

I should be getting paid 50k a year for my hobby and looking after my cat on that logic. Though my hobby and cat won't look after me in my old age and I don't get state benefits for it.

Also the OP is working part time.

I guess what you're saying is that the financial transaction for child rearing isn't good enough here, but I struggle to see how it's going to be any better on her own if it just comes down to that. How do the maths work out?

Why do you assume I have not put a penny towards it? I have put 5 k I had saved towards our first house deposit.
I am only keeping my current savings a secret because I’m planning to leave and will need finance this somehow.

I don’t know what all of expenses are exactly DH wasn’t willing to share, my estimate is 5 k a month for mortgage bills and food.

Childcare Arrangement is me taking kids to school, I work school hours so when they finish I collect them and look after them all afternoon. In school holidays we either take time of work or get help from a nanny.

I’m not leaving to be financially better off,
I’m leaving because I deserve better treatment , I deserve to be respected, valued and appreciated. My kids deserve peaceful home and to always feel safe. I don’t think you understand what living with a narcissist is like, to me it’s like being slowly boiled while on roller coaster.
clearly I would not have to save in secret if this was a healthy relationship, nor would it be an issue for me to pay for car repairs if i didn’t need those savings!

Which is the point really, it's not really about the finances.

Just divorce him then.

I don't think logic is your strong point.

My husband paus for absolutely everything. He looks after our child and I and has never asked for a penny. It’s called a traditional marriage.

Also sick days that’s always down to me, the second kids are ill DH puts himself into a quarantine so he doesn’t catch anything.
Just remembered, typical situation:
couple months ago DC2 was vomiting all night, I was up taking care of DC2 DH slept. In the morning DH emerges from his bedroom and when I tell him poor DC has been so ill and is now exhausted DH said “ oh great now I’m going to be ill! “ and off he went to hide away from us.
swimming lessons,99% appointments also me. Fighting for EHCP for youngest DC me, all management of autism related problems is also down to me.

He'd have to be earning more than 90k a year and giving 100% of it to be contributing what the OP's DH is contributing.

96% of people in the UK don't make that much money.

Why are you talking about leaving though? From what you've said he's being putting income into a decent house for several years.

Kick him out. Divorce him. Sell the house if you need the money.

You sound absolutely ridiculous and a court will definitely agree with your assessment, thankfully.

The car is a funny one. Me and dp strictly pay for our own cars and refer to them as 'my car' and 'your car'. I chose my car and it is more expensive than his. I earn slightly more than him. If he asked me to pay for his car bill I would say sorry what. We split food and bills 50/50. I used to do all the housework and cooking but now it's more 50/50 after having a baby as I am more looking after baby so can't cook/clean. He overpays on the mortgage more. We have our own savings pots which we do what we want with so if he wants to buy a bike he can, if I want a bag, I can. But we would get it ourselves.

I guess with your dh what makes it bad is that he earns massively more. I think that is why he should pay just as a gesture, esp if you are struggling. That's just what people should do for their families. To refuse is not seeing you as family really.

I'm horrified by some of the responses you've had OP, DH and you should be a team.

In my marriage I'm the higher earner by a long shot, he works part time as a TA and looks after the children. We just pool our money and everything is joint, the car he mostly uses was repaired recently and he paid using our account.

The difference is I love and respect him and his contributions to our life together, it sounds like your husband doesn't.

forget what he has in savings. He will hide it the second you leave, put car in his parents name etc… likely take your car off you as it’s in his name,
can you not get a job nearer to your parents? Move in with them short term and put your name on an emergency council list, Even living in a B&B and claiming housing benefit temporarily to pay for it … once you’ve left him you’ll be entitled to help, also maintenance from him!… if he’s earning £200k a year you need to apply through child maintenance and he
will need to pay you quite a large whack!! You’ll likely be better off financially living alone!! If he doesn’t pay you call child maintenance weekly saying he hasn’t paid and ask them to take it out of his wage before he gets paid (they do this for my friend)…
on divorce you’ll be entitled to half the house and pension…. Maybe more depending on your situation at the time… if you’re in council housing they might argue you don’t need such a large share… although you could still argue that you would use your share to move out and buy your own place!
Seek legal advice, see someone at the CAB, and see a lawyer for you free half hour or however long it is nowadays

I really think you need the advice of a solicitor. I believe that you are entitled to more than you think from this marriage. Your contribution was and is incredibly valuable. Do not creep away in the night, you might even be entitled to the house or half its value. Keep your head, you’ve made your decision. He may well be a Narcissist, although the term is overused these days. If you are afraid of him then you need a detailed plan of action for your escape. Seek out a local women’s group for advice. If he has ever been violent and or abusive the police have a plan of action for you. Wishing you happiness and peace for your new life. Do it now. X

Doesn't need much reading to immediately confirm it's financially controlling and abusive behaviour. Pure master and servant status, not even a relationship even. He keeps you in total reliance on him.

I would answer you, but since I do not understand the language of gobbledygook, I will have to pass.

Anytime you wish to try logic, reasoning and English, LMK.

When planning to leave consider that the court will take into account how much you financially dependent on him. The more financially dependent you are, the more the court will order him to support you. You need to chose how to play it. Increase the amount that he contributes as much as possible with a paper trail eg: new shoes and clothes for the children, hair cuts, after school activities, more and more groceries.the court will look at financially and see how much is spent on the children and make a decision. Whereas if you limit spending, the court won't think you need too much and award you less.

Thank you, I really appreciate all of your helpful advice.

But with divorce she would get at least half plus maintenance for the kids.

Think is so sad to read posts like this.
differences between salaries is not unusual.
marriage to me (amongst other things) means making shared financial decisions as a unit.
i earn double my partner and I wouldn’t dream of doing what OP’s partner is saying.
partner wanted new car, as he has to drive into London. I get the train and have a little old runabout to get me to station. Being comfortable and in a reliable car every day is important for him. So, a no brainer we bought one, no discussions required about who finances what.

@Nanaof1 MIC DROP! ☝👏✊

This!

If you are 100% going to leave him, contact women’s aid. They can help you while you get yourself together.
I did like someone’s comment of kick him out, divorce him and then sell the house.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.