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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband is demanding money

268 replies

DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 12:11

Married, 3 dc, Im 39 DH is 40
since last May I have been working part time and just in a process of changing jobs to another part time but term time only position so will be earning even less but childcare costs will go down.
I do all of the housework cooking and look after kids.

DH earns 10 x more than me if not more. We own a house. DH pays for all of the household bills and food and I pay for my car lease, car insurance, petrol, my and my DCs phone, DS pocket money, TV licence I give money to 18yo DC (from first marriage, who doesn't live with us ) this is totalling £500, The rest I have sinking funds for kids birthdays and Christmas, dentist, my therapy and long term savings.I get DLA for DC but all of that goes on private SLT

DH is not willing to do budget together, he looks after us well but he behaves like his money is his, savings are his, if he wants something like a new car, a scooter he just buys it without talking to me, he makes all financial decisions alone. He has over 35k in savings a/c
We have a joint account for food shopping and ad hoc expenses, so far I had to ask him for every penny, every time food shopping was getting delivered, every time I would need to ask. We had a massive argument and he agreed on putting enough for the month in there and this month is the first time I didn't have to ask for money.

Sorry this is so long but feel like you need back story.
My car is an older VW polo 1 litre engine. DH chose it (he's into cars and loves to have an expensive car himself) and paid 2 k deposit for and I pay for monthly
Car went in for MOT today.
DH just phoned me at work says I need money, your car will cost £700 in repairs. You need to give me £500

I said no, I don't have access to it straight away (my savings go to an account that I cant withdraw out of for a year unless closing account) he started screaming at me how I don't contribute at all, how am I working for a year now and have no money. Its my car and my problem. I told him to pay out form 'his' savings and to leave me alone, he hung up.
I'm left worrying now I know it will be hell when I get home.
Truth is I have 3k saved but I'm planning to leave DH, I think he is narcissistic and will need it.
Am I unreasonable? what do you suggest. Thank you for reading!

OP posts:
humberlumber · 19/07/2024 17:02

If we take OP's position as correct, then it is pointless to suggest open conversations. It is also pointless to think that a pointed comment about how he would have to do 50% of the childcare etc if OP works full time.

He sounds abusive and this is not a situation where OP just needs to be more assertive and state her case. OP has noted potential violence which can escalate quickly.

OP should conserve her funds as much as possible and try to leave. He will likely react very badly to being left and she needs to ensure she is safe.

Posting comments suggesting she gives up her escape fund and confronts him on difficult points focuses on the wrong issues

ladyjanegrey123 · 19/07/2024 17:13

It's interesting to read how married couples manage finances these days.
I WFH full time, minimum wage, 2 kids at primary school. Husband also WFH and earns like 10x more. I did almost 100% of childcare until they started school when they were not at their childminder/nursery (that was part-time). I still do laundry and 90% of cleaning and cooking. We have a common account where both of us pay our nearly full monthly wages - minus 200 quid each for our personal monthly expenses. We have one 5 year old SUV that mainly my DH drives (I am a terrible driver anyway). We hardly ever eat out or go out in the evenings. BUT we do go abroad like 3 times a year and that costs a lot. We have a 3-bed house and a mortgage. Children at state school, hoping to get them to a good grammar. Groceries, clothes for kids, household expenses, etc. all goes out from our common account. We don't count or divide who pays for what, it doesn't make any sense to argue about that after 10+ years of marriage and 2 kids (we did argue about that at the beginning our our relationships, but that seems like ages ago now). We live rather sparingly overall and save for our kids' futures and our pensions. I can't imagine me or him wasting big sums for expensive, useless stuff. All major financial decisions are taken together. We probaby sound rather old-fashioned and boring, LOL.

RedToothBrush · 19/07/2024 17:16

humberlumber · 19/07/2024 17:02

If we take OP's position as correct, then it is pointless to suggest open conversations. It is also pointless to think that a pointed comment about how he would have to do 50% of the childcare etc if OP works full time.

He sounds abusive and this is not a situation where OP just needs to be more assertive and state her case. OP has noted potential violence which can escalate quickly.

OP should conserve her funds as much as possible and try to leave. He will likely react very badly to being left and she needs to ensure she is safe.

Posting comments suggesting she gives up her escape fund and confronts him on difficult points focuses on the wrong issues

Nevermind this.

OP has actually said that she thinks he's been physically abusive to the children.

G123456789 · 19/07/2024 17:24

I despair of men, even though I am one. Perhaps im old fashioned, but your job is to provide for your family. That may be financially, emotionally. It might be by maintaining the house, growing veg. Being a man is difficult now, really we don't quite no our place. I'm sure many will disagree with my views above.
But he needs to man up and provide for his family. Why is she paying for so much. Why does she pay for their kids phones.
I have retired, my wife still works, she's paying for the bills as she, thought choice, I have a casual part time job and pay for treats like a new pair of shoes each (I have about 10 pairs and she has about 50 Already!), A mirror for the spare bedroom....things we can live without....this man needs to be paying for the basics, cars, food, phones and the op pay for the nice to haves

Original poster
DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 17:32

Theothername · 19/07/2024 16:35

as 1:1 childcare for summer holidays is costing more than I earn.

this logic only holds up when you are pooling your resources and it’s about family income and expenditure. Do you earn less than half the cost which you are responsible for?

I used to work FT but my DH travels a lot for work, mostly abroad,

if he was a single parent he would have to pay childcare costs when he is travelling, or rethink his work conditions. In a shared financial it might make sense for you to reduce your current and potential earnings, and pension in order to facilitate his career, and earnings. But if you’re not benefitting from the arrangement you have to weigh up your decisions differently.

Would you be better off (now and in your old age) to have a 50:50 residency, paying 3/4 days childcare so you can work ft? Given his better financial position you could argue for weekends so it would be 1/2 days.

I’m not suggesting ltb should be your first step. I think that both of you need to think about what equity means in relationship.

Person who helps us during summer holidays is someone who looked after dc at the nursery, they have bonded and I’m happy to employ her (when nursery is closed ) when though she is not registered childminder, she’s a wonderful person and we are lucky that Dc has someone he trusts.
she is unable to help during term time when nursery is open and there is no provision for dc to attend breakfast club or after school club, I don’t think he would cope with it either.

I somewhat agree with @MalcadorTheSigillite issues are down to me not setting my boundaries in the past, I’ve attempted conversations about money and I’ve asked for him to do more around the house.
I can’t work more, do all of the childcare and all of the housework I’m only human!

when I responded to DH earlier I asked him to be transparent about his savings

I got home and DH now tells me that he told me he has 55k in long term savings and that we have discussed how he will have 70k by end of the year and that he also has car kitty ( didn’t respond when I asked how much is in there) he added feel free to contribute. We never had this conversation.

He demanded to know about my savings and I told him I have savings that I’m keeping for my security and for emergencies mostly because of elderly grandparent and he seems to accept it.

I have read all of the comments, it’s interesting split in opinions…some of you …wow
I’m not some lazy free loader who feels entitled to some amazing lifestyle.
we did have a cleaner for couple a months, she did 4 h fortnightly but she has quit as DH was unwelcoming and made her feel uncomfortable and she accused him of being rasist.
I know I’m lucky not having to worry about the bills but I’d rather have my own small home and all of the bills without DH.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 19/07/2024 17:34

ladyjanegrey123 · 19/07/2024 17:13

It's interesting to read how married couples manage finances these days.
I WFH full time, minimum wage, 2 kids at primary school. Husband also WFH and earns like 10x more. I did almost 100% of childcare until they started school when they were not at their childminder/nursery (that was part-time). I still do laundry and 90% of cleaning and cooking. We have a common account where both of us pay our nearly full monthly wages - minus 200 quid each for our personal monthly expenses. We have one 5 year old SUV that mainly my DH drives (I am a terrible driver anyway). We hardly ever eat out or go out in the evenings. BUT we do go abroad like 3 times a year and that costs a lot. We have a 3-bed house and a mortgage. Children at state school, hoping to get them to a good grammar. Groceries, clothes for kids, household expenses, etc. all goes out from our common account. We don't count or divide who pays for what, it doesn't make any sense to argue about that after 10+ years of marriage and 2 kids (we did argue about that at the beginning our our relationships, but that seems like ages ago now). We live rather sparingly overall and save for our kids' futures and our pensions. I can't imagine me or him wasting big sums for expensive, useless stuff. All major financial decisions are taken together. We probaby sound rather old-fashioned and boring, LOL.

That’s how my parents worked it which meant they had a comfortable retirement, were able to help with house deposits and grandchildren and were able to leave money as well.
My DF earned more but my DM was more qualified. Back then career breaks really set women back.
He never really spent much on himself and my mum was an absolute queen in his eyes.
He always respected all of the work she did in the home and with children and grandchildren, and loved nothing more than treating her.
Basically, he was really, really proud of her.
Your marriage sounds like it’s on good solid ground to me!

Original poster
DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 17:35

ladyjanegrey123 · 19/07/2024 17:13

It's interesting to read how married couples manage finances these days.
I WFH full time, minimum wage, 2 kids at primary school. Husband also WFH and earns like 10x more. I did almost 100% of childcare until they started school when they were not at their childminder/nursery (that was part-time). I still do laundry and 90% of cleaning and cooking. We have a common account where both of us pay our nearly full monthly wages - minus 200 quid each for our personal monthly expenses. We have one 5 year old SUV that mainly my DH drives (I am a terrible driver anyway). We hardly ever eat out or go out in the evenings. BUT we do go abroad like 3 times a year and that costs a lot. We have a 3-bed house and a mortgage. Children at state school, hoping to get them to a good grammar. Groceries, clothes for kids, household expenses, etc. all goes out from our common account. We don't count or divide who pays for what, it doesn't make any sense to argue about that after 10+ years of marriage and 2 kids (we did argue about that at the beginning our our relationships, but that seems like ages ago now). We live rather sparingly overall and save for our kids' futures and our pensions. I can't imagine me or him wasting big sums for expensive, useless stuff. All major financial decisions are taken together. We probaby sound rather old-fashioned and boring, LOL.

you sound great not boring. Joint goals and teamwork.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 19/07/2024 17:50

Sorry as I have read all the posts but I can't recall why you can't leave until February.
If you suspect him of physically abusing your DS you need to leave now, not wait for almost another year. He is financially abusing you and you have lodged a police record of him attacking his DS.

Cherry8809 · 19/07/2024 17:56

He is well aware I earn £12 ph and work 27.5h weeks,

So, roughly £1320 per month, and £500 is spent on your personal expenses and DCs phone bill etc.

That’s over £800 left over for you to spend or save as you please each month, while DH is paying for everything else?

He sounds like a dick for the other reasons you mentioned, but I don’t see how he could be called financially abusive.

AnneElliott · 19/07/2024 17:59

DoIWantTo · 19/07/2024 16:22

I see the MRAs are out in full force here.

Yes it's really depressing. I do hope they're actual men rather than women. Pretty much any of us could have ended up in a similar situation.

Op - I agree with the majority. Keep your hidden funds but I think you will need to leave sooner than Feb. If he's going away any time soon can you use that time to get out?

Original poster
DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 18:11

Cherry8809 · 19/07/2024 17:56

He is well aware I earn £12 ph and work 27.5h weeks,

So, roughly £1320 per month, and £500 is spent on your personal expenses and DCs phone bill etc.

That’s over £800 left over for you to spend or save as you please each month, while DH is paying for everything else?

He sounds like a dick for the other reasons you mentioned, but I don’t see how he could be called financially abusive.

It’s 1264 pm to be exact
my bills are 500 sinking funds 250 I save everything else
he has far more disposable income than I do even when he pays for everything else
as he earns more in a month what i earn in a year

OP posts:
Bluebirdover · 19/07/2024 18:13

Cherry8809 · 19/07/2024 17:56

He is well aware I earn £12 ph and work 27.5h weeks,

So, roughly £1320 per month, and £500 is spent on your personal expenses and DCs phone bill etc.

That’s over £800 left over for you to spend or save as you please each month, while DH is paying for everything else?

He sounds like a dick for the other reasons you mentioned, but I don’t see how he could be called financially abusive.

Are you actually serious..... do you know his personal amount he has? Enough to buy cars and scooters and £35k in the bank....

Original poster
DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 18:13

AnneElliott · 19/07/2024 17:59

Yes it's really depressing. I do hope they're actual men rather than women. Pretty much any of us could have ended up in a similar situation.

Op - I agree with the majority. Keep your hidden funds but I think you will need to leave sooner than Feb. If he's going away any time soon can you use that time to get out?

Show quote history

I think you are right, and I know timing will never be perfect
solicitor advised me to stay in marital home, until financial settlement relocating my special needs dc would be very distressing so it’s my last resort really

OP posts:
Bluebirdover · 19/07/2024 18:14

rookiemere · 19/07/2024 17:50

Sorry as I have read all the posts but I can't recall why you can't leave until February.
If you suspect him of physically abusing your DS you need to leave now, not wait for almost another year. He is financially abusing you and you have lodged a police record of him attacking his DS.

It's because that's when she's out of probation in her new job.

Original poster
DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 18:15

Bluebirdover · 19/07/2024 18:13

Are you actually serious..... do you know his personal amount he has? Enough to buy cars and scooters and £35k in the bank....

Show quote history

55k as he told me this afternoon ! 🤣 he was screaming at me about £700 ( which to me is a lot but to him not so much)

OP posts:
Bluebirdover · 19/07/2024 18:20

Apologies @DaisyChainsandSunnyDays .... even worse £55k

So it's family housework, childcare and grudge work.

But not family money!

Imbusytodaysorry · 19/07/2024 18:20

lastgreat · 19/07/2024 12:16

He sounds awful.

Do you have a timeline for leaving? You may need to forget the term time only job and go for something with more hours/money to make life work financially alone. He certainly won't pay for things once you are separated.

No he will be paying . He will pay csm.
He will pay the days he has his kids .
He will pay half of the house and half the family savings .

He will pay by loosing his kids and wife . Sounds like he will “pay” by having to parent and be a man .

adviceneeded1990 · 19/07/2024 18:20

Was it a joint decision for you not to work full time? Or did you decide that and expect him to provide? I think the answer to that is important. If it’s a family decision for you to earn less then he 100% needs to provide and you need joint savings that you have access to. If you have chosen not to work fully and just expected him to provide everything then I think he’s got more of a leg to stand regarding the expectation he will pay for your car repairs. To be honest it wouldn’t occur to me to ask DH to pay for my car. But then to be fair to you, he also wouldn’t have 35k savings that I couldn’t access. This whole situation is why women need to stay financially independent really.

Imbusytodaysorry · 19/07/2024 18:24

DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 19/07/2024 12:11

Married, 3 dc, Im 39 DH is 40
since last May I have been working part time and just in a process of changing jobs to another part time but term time only position so will be earning even less but childcare costs will go down.
I do all of the housework cooking and look after kids.

DH earns 10 x more than me if not more. We own a house. DH pays for all of the household bills and food and I pay for my car lease, car insurance, petrol, my and my DCs phone, DS pocket money, TV licence I give money to 18yo DC (from first marriage, who doesn't live with us ) this is totalling £500, The rest I have sinking funds for kids birthdays and Christmas, dentist, my therapy and long term savings.I get DLA for DC but all of that goes on private SLT

DH is not willing to do budget together, he looks after us well but he behaves like his money is his, savings are his, if he wants something like a new car, a scooter he just buys it without talking to me, he makes all financial decisions alone. He has over 35k in savings a/c
We have a joint account for food shopping and ad hoc expenses, so far I had to ask him for every penny, every time food shopping was getting delivered, every time I would need to ask. We had a massive argument and he agreed on putting enough for the month in there and this month is the first time I didn't have to ask for money.

Sorry this is so long but feel like you need back story.
My car is an older VW polo 1 litre engine. DH chose it (he's into cars and loves to have an expensive car himself) and paid 2 k deposit for and I pay for monthly
Car went in for MOT today.
DH just phoned me at work says I need money, your car will cost £700 in repairs. You need to give me £500

I said no, I don't have access to it straight away (my savings go to an account that I cant withdraw out of for a year unless closing account) he started screaming at me how I don't contribute at all, how am I working for a year now and have no money. Its my car and my problem. I told him to pay out form 'his' savings and to leave me alone, he hung up.
I'm left worrying now I know it will be hell when I get home.
Truth is I have 3k saved but I'm planning to leave DH, I think he is narcissistic and will need it.
Am I unreasonable? what do you suggest. Thank you for reading!

@DaisyChainsandSunnyDays are you safe you sound scared of him ?
He will be angry whether you give him cash or not . Keep your cash safe as you nee it to leave .
leave asap though. Find a rental and go to lawyer for divorce papers to be sent as soon as you are out and safe. .

I got can get proof of the family savings he is squirrelling away do so .

Bluebirdover · 19/07/2024 18:25

adviceneeded1990 · 19/07/2024 18:20

Was it a joint decision for you not to work full time? Or did you decide that and expect him to provide? I think the answer to that is important. If it’s a family decision for you to earn less then he 100% needs to provide and you need joint savings that you have access to. If you have chosen not to work fully and just expected him to provide everything then I think he’s got more of a leg to stand regarding the expectation he will pay for your car repairs. To be honest it wouldn’t occur to me to ask DH to pay for my car. But then to be fair to you, he also wouldn’t have 35k savings that I couldn’t access. This whole situation is why women need to stay financially independent really.

Edited

I suppose having an autistic child somewhat changed the well made plans....

californiaisdreaming · 19/07/2024 18:25

He earns 10x more than you. Get divorced and take what should already be yours.

adviceneeded1990 · 19/07/2024 18:28

Bluebirdover · 19/07/2024 18:25

I suppose having an autistic child somewhat changed the well made plans....

Show quote history

Possibly, that’s why I’m asking. I’ve taught autistic children who live a fairly normal life with adjustments. Those children’s parents could absolutely work a 9-5 job. I’ve also taught autistic kids in specialist provision who will probably never function as independent adults, need frequent early collection or to follow a part time timetable and have co-morbidities requiring a parent to attend medical appointments frequently. Those parents would need to access carers allowance or work part time.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/07/2024 18:28

How to get to dump him soon

Despair1 · 19/07/2024 18:29

ladyjanegrey123 · 19/07/2024 17:13

It's interesting to read how married couples manage finances these days.
I WFH full time, minimum wage, 2 kids at primary school. Husband also WFH and earns like 10x more. I did almost 100% of childcare until they started school when they were not at their childminder/nursery (that was part-time). I still do laundry and 90% of cleaning and cooking. We have a common account where both of us pay our nearly full monthly wages - minus 200 quid each for our personal monthly expenses. We have one 5 year old SUV that mainly my DH drives (I am a terrible driver anyway). We hardly ever eat out or go out in the evenings. BUT we do go abroad like 3 times a year and that costs a lot. We have a 3-bed house and a mortgage. Children at state school, hoping to get them to a good grammar. Groceries, clothes for kids, household expenses, etc. all goes out from our common account. We don't count or divide who pays for what, it doesn't make any sense to argue about that after 10+ years of marriage and 2 kids (we did argue about that at the beginning our our relationships, but that seems like ages ago now). We live rather sparingly overall and save for our kids' futures and our pensions. I can't imagine me or him wasting big sums for expensive, useless stuff. All major financial decisions are taken together. We probaby sound rather old-fashioned and boring, LOL.

Sounds a great set up for all😀

Thelittleweasel · 19/07/2024 18:43

@Lampslights

I wonder what happened to "with all my worldly goods I thee endow"