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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He doesn’t think he should contribute to the household

1000 replies

Onceuponacookie · 18/07/2024 20:24

My boyfriend and his young child (once a week in term time and more in the holidays) have moved in with me and my two teenage children. Before he moved in, he said he would contribute towards the bills once he moved.

He hasn’t yet volunteered anything and it’s been a 6 weeks. He has bought a little bit of food for himself, but that’s it.

It’s an unusual situation in that we live in my old marital home and my ex husband pays the mortgage as part of our agreement until the children are 18. Obviously the bills and food and everything that goes with running a house are all still mine to pay. I work full time around the children but I also receive child maintenance that is generous and overall we have a comfortable life.

I asked BF what he wanted to do about the bills situation last night as he is now settled in. He laughed and said he wasn’t going to pay for me and my children as their dad pays maintenance for them and the mortgage. He then said he doesn’t really add to my bills anyway. He uses a little hot water and the appliances etc. he feel he should just contribute to some food for him as he doesn’t often eat with us.

Obviously since he has moved in he doesn’t have any rent or bills or household expenses or insurances that he previously had when he lived in his own place. He’s saving a fortune and my expenses have increased.

It feels to me like he has moved in for a free ride and to save some cash really!!

He doesn’t help around the house at all and he used to take me out maybe once every one or two weeks but that hasn’t happened since he moved in. He’s quite critical of any mess the children or I make and expects a very clean house but doesn’t do anything to contribute.

He says if we had moved in with him to his house he wouldn’t have expected me to pay for anything!

He talks about the future of when my kids are 18 and we move on from our home that we will split the bills 50/50 then.

Am I being unreasonably to expect him to contribute to where he lives and to our blended family despite my unusual situation?

OP posts:
Velvian · 18/07/2024 21:10

Off he goes, what a shit!

GinForBreakfast · 18/07/2024 21:10

Well he needs to move straight back out then!

BrightLightTonight · 18/07/2024 21:11

Kick the cock lodger out immediately and tell him that he wasn’t that good in bed that you are going to sub him.

Runnerinthenight · 18/07/2024 21:11

He must have thought all his Christmases had come at once!

Barrenfieldoffucks · 18/07/2024 21:12

Onceuponacookie · 18/07/2024 21:05

A year and a half together. We had talked about moving in for quite a while and he had arranged at the end of his tenancy to move in.

He thought he was on to a winner there didn't he.

Boot him straight back out. The money thing alone would be bad enough, but the attitude and the criticism? Nah

EG94 · 18/07/2024 21:12

Onceuponacookie · 18/07/2024 21:02

I wish it wasn’t… I can’t believe this has happened. I thought he was this great guy, very generous with me and the kids and as soon as he’s got his feet under the table he’s just suddenly changed his tune.

We are currently not talking as he’s livid at me for asking him about this.

I need to check that I can legally get him out easily. He’s on the council tax and that’s it so far.

So he’s named on a bill he doesn’t pay. He’s a twat you can remove him without his say so or knowledge. There is no legal standing. Give him a months notice to leave, that’s more than generous you don’t have to give any notice

Cherrysoup · 18/07/2024 21:12

He has no right to be there, kick him straight out. Effing cocklodger, living off you and your ex, it’s unbelievable!

whotochoose · 18/07/2024 21:13

Him just being there will presumably have increased your council tax at least, never mind the cost of utilities. I can't believe that's he not even contributing towards the housework.
Wouldn't put it past him to use his young child to emotionally manipulate you into letting him stay when you hopefully tell him to sod off.
And won't your ex be peeved at having this freeloader benefit from your divorce settlement?
Please bin him, you and your children deserve better ❤️

betterangels · 18/07/2024 21:13

Kick him out. Seems he played the long game. This should be game over.

Ohnobackagain · 18/07/2024 21:13

@Onceuponacookie don’t think he has any rights. Not contributing to finances is one thing but he clearly thinks housework is something someone else does - the CF. Wait until he goes out and change the locks. What kind of role model is he! Not the one you want for your kids, for sure.

Foxblue · 18/07/2024 21:13

God I'm so glad you are getting rid of him, the absolute audacity of him to think you were going to subsidise his life??? What a nasty piece of work, anyone else in his position would be falling over themselves to contribute given that the mortgage is paid for so as not to seem like they were taking the piss!

halava · 18/07/2024 21:13

Will you be afraid to confront him and evict him for any reason?

If that's the case help is required. Seek it if you need it, don't let fear of his reaction stop you now. Lance the boil immediately, no good will ever come of this. Wait until YOUR kids are 18 until he splits expenses. Ha bloody Ha.

Omlettes · 18/07/2024 21:13

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/07/2024 20:30

Throw him the fuck out.

Seriously, I'll come and do it for you...

😂I'll provide backup.

HellsBells67 · 18/07/2024 21:13

I chose YABU because you are, for even hesitating to kick his sorry ass to the curb.

LordSnot · 18/07/2024 21:13

Onceuponacookie · 18/07/2024 21:05

A year and a half together. We had talked about moving in for quite a while and he had arranged at the end of his tenancy to move in.

You moved a man in with your children after 18 months?

For fuck's sake.

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 18/07/2024 21:14

Of course you can legally get him out. He's basically a lodger. Give him 7 days notice and get shot. For future reference 18 months is very little time and nobody falls in love quicker than a man who needs somewhere to live.

Onceuponacookie · 18/07/2024 21:14

KohlaParasaurus · 18/07/2024 21:08

So sorry, OP. You've made decisions in good faith and he has lied to you and encouraged you to believe that you were getting a partner who would pull his weight in the relationship. It must hurt a lot. It's not your fault.

But it will be your fault if you allow the situation to continue. I've never seen such a big consensus on Mumsnet. Toe of your boot to his insolent arse, without delay.

Thank you. It’s true it does hurt to realise I’m being used and that he lied to me to get his foot in the door with no intention of ever contributing in any way.

I knew as soon as he said he didn’t think he should pay anything that I need him gone. He’s taking from me and my kids unnecessarily and this isn’t what a partnership is supposed to be. He’s not insolvent and has working arms and legs so can clearly pay and help with the housework. He just can’t be bothered.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 18/07/2024 21:14

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 18/07/2024 21:14

Of course you can legally get him out. He's basically a lodger. Give him 7 days notice and get shot. For future reference 18 months is very little time and nobody falls in love quicker than a man who needs somewhere to live.

To be fair he’s not even a lodger if he’s paid no rent, he’s at best a squatter.

MissUltraViolet · 18/07/2024 21:15

Don't remember a post that has made so many people so angry so quickly!

Anyone else wanna go help OP remove him from her home? I want to, so bad.

Comtesse · 18/07/2024 21:15

Cheeky bugger. I’d be thinking about kicking him out tonight. Shocking behaviour.

GG1986 · 18/07/2024 21:15

This situation is completely unfair on your children! You tell him he is moving straight back out, who the hell does he think he is moving in for free and thinking he doesn't have to pay anything. His attitude would also have me dumping him completely.

StormingNorman · 18/07/2024 21:15

It takes a special kind of man to want to be supported by his partner’s ex. where is his pride?

He should pay a percentage of the bills e.g. if you have two DC, split the bills between the four of you and he pays 25%. If he can’t see the logic in that you really need to question who he is as a person.

Runnerinthenight · 18/07/2024 21:15

EG94 · 18/07/2024 21:12

So he’s named on a bill he doesn’t pay. He’s a twat you can remove him without his say so or knowledge. There is no legal standing. Give him a months notice to leave, that’s more than generous you don’t have to give any notice

God no way - a month??!!

He needs to be kicked out immediately!!

crumpet · 18/07/2024 21:15

I’m sorry this has happened to you. Be thankful that it became apparent so quickly and get him out asap.

do not believe him if he pretends to change his tune - it will be temporary and he will revert back to what you ah e just seen as soon as he is comfortable again

DPotter · 18/07/2024 21:16

I wouldn't bother with 7 days to be honest
It's Friday tomorrow - he moves out Saturday morning. Invite a male neighbour, brother cousin, dad, work colleague over. Hell - invite your Ex over to supervise him moving out

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