He doesn’t think he should contribute to the household

[Onceuponacookie]

My boyfriend and his young child (once a week in term time and more in the holidays) have moved in with me and my two teenage children. Before he moved in, he said he would contribute towards the bills once he moved.

He hasn’t yet volunteered anything and it’s been a 6 weeks. He has bought a little bit of food for himself, but that’s it.

It’s an unusual situation in that we live in my old marital home and my ex husband pays the mortgage as part of our agreement until the children are 18. Obviously the bills and food and everything that goes with running a house are all still mine to pay. I work full time around the children but I also receive child maintenance that is generous and overall we have a comfortable life.

I asked BF what he wanted to do about the bills situation last night as he is now settled in. He laughed and said he wasn’t going to pay for me and my children as their dad pays maintenance for them and the mortgage. He then said he doesn’t really add to my bills anyway. He uses a little hot water and the appliances etc. he feel he should just contribute to some food for him as he doesn’t often eat with us.

Obviously since he has moved in he doesn’t have any rent or bills or household expenses or insurances that he previously had when he lived in his own place. He’s saving a fortune and my expenses have increased.

It feels to me like he has moved in for a free ride and to save some cash really!!

He doesn’t help around the house at all and he used to take me out maybe once every one or two weeks but that hasn’t happened since he moved in. He’s quite critical of any mess the children or I make and expects a very clean house but doesn’t do anything to contribute.

He says if we had moved in with him to his house he wouldn’t have expected me to pay for anything!

He talks about the future of when my kids are 18 and we move on from our home that we will split the bills 50/50 then.

Am I being unreasonably to expect him to contribute to where he lives and to our blended family despite my unusual situation?

Has his behaviour changed your feelings towards him?

Legally zero issue. Council tax is simply a statement of who lives there.
Also you were presumably eligible for single person discount before so now your council taxi is more.
Just tell him clearly that this arrangement doesn't work for you and he needs to make arrangements to move out

I would move him straight back out again. The entitlement of him!

He has no rights at all, it's YOUR house. You can tell (not ask) him to leave at any point for any reason.

Tell him to pack his shit and go.

I think he isn't a nice guy (clearly) but if you're worried he's not going to be pleasant, or even if you don't want to argue, I would simply say that your ex is livid and won't pay while he's there. New bloke will have to cough up 5k a month immediately to cover it or move out today. He will be gone quick as a flash. Then you can dump him.

A year and a half together. We had talked about moving in for quite a while and he had arranged at the end of his tenancy to move in.

I don't understand the food side of things. Surely he uses things like milk, bread, butter, toilet roll etc. not eating a meal with you often is surely irrelevant.

Ps I know this is a small part of the problem OP, it just perplexed me what his thoughts are on this!!

Kick him out, sharpish

Get him put ASAP. He sounds like a disaster

Well be glad he showed his freeloading selfish colours so quickly.

Please tell me you're dumping him. He sounds nasty.

You now have less space, one more person to shop for, cook for, clean up after, apparently you are his chef and maid. You have to mind your ps and qs as do your dc. What a useless waste of space he is.

Ofcourse you can legally send him packing. He does not own the house, he pays no household bills, he’s disrespectful, expecting you to wait on him, telling your children off in the home their father pays for, I mean if this is real, you are a mug. Kick him straight out and do it now.
If I was your ex and realised you moved a man in, that’ll be time up on the mortgage paying arrangement, can you imagine paying to house your ex and her new boyfriend.

Omg this is really shocking. Your exh may reduce maintenance so get rid of the freeloader asap!

Just adding my agreement to the 💯

"Tenancy" - so he said he'd let you live FOC in a place he doesn't even own!! Fuck that!!

So what if he is in the council tax? Unless he is your tenant (with a contract on hand) or his name is in the deeds of the house/mortgage, it is not ilegal to leave his stuff out and change the locks.

Honestly Op, find your courage and kick him out.

The idea he gets a free ride financially (from you) is astonishing.

The idea he gets a free housekeeper (again you) is astounding.

The fact he can't even be a pleasant parasite is unbelievable! He's really cocked it up by revealing his jealousy and contempt for you so soon...

In the bin for him.

Does he not understand you and your children are not in a great position (unless you have your financial future when the children are 18 already sorted - eg mortgage paid off and in your name, good pension and decent earnings?)
Your current financial picture sounds great, but kids don't generally become financially independent magically at 18 and you still have to house and support them as well as yourself.

Sorry he's not talking to you? Because how dare you call out his selfish behaviour!!!

He's not on the mortgage it is not his home it's a simple you have changed and backtracked. It appears this was always your plan. Please pack your stuff and leave.

He's not on the mortgage, he's not on a rental agreement.
There's nothing to it - just get him out and change the locks.
And ring the council and get his name taken off asap.

Cocklodger. Kick him out immediately!!!

So sorry, OP. You've made decisions in good faith and he has lied to you and encouraged you to believe that you were getting a partner who would pull his weight in the relationship. It must hurt a lot. It's not your fault.

But it will be your fault if you allow the situation to continue. I've never seen such a big consensus on Mumsnet. Toe of your boot to his insolent arse, without delay.

He's shown you who he is. A cocklodger, a user, a leech. There is no reasoning with these kind of people, don't even waste time trying. There's no saving this relationship, don't waste any time on this either. Whether he has somewhere to go or not is not your problem, he's not your responsibility. He has no legal rights, tell him to leave tonight. Get your locks changed. You and your children deserve better than this.

Let him be livid, tell him to pack his stuff back up and go bank to wherever he was living before right now.

Its your home, if you don’t want him there, he needs to leave, end of.

You can ring the council tax and get him off right away - even him being on that would mean you’d have list your single adult discount!

What a disgusting man. You need to get him out.

Look OP, I am with a man who similarly moved in with me and just didn’t pay bills etc. I earn probably 5x what he does, but it pissed me off. How can someone just not even want to contribute? It caused a lot of arguments but I didn’t let it go. It was hard not to feel he was taking advantage - but I was pregnant and anyway, since we had the baby 2 years ago he has been sahd and I insisted he does all chores and he now also works on weekends and does the bulk of the weekly shop for us all. It works for us, more or less and he makes sure he is doing as much as he can to contribute now. So what I am saying is mumsnet can be a bit puritanical about family dynamics…but in no way would your situation be sustainable. He either comes up with a contribution to family life or you need to tell him to leave. It shouldn’t necessarily be monetary but he needs to show you he is a partner and not just a freeloader.

Why are you doing this? It’s not fair to you or your children. Get rid of him. I can’t imagine your ex-H would be best pleased about the situation

So your kids quality of life goes down, whilst his goes up? He’s lovely.