He doesn’t think he should contribute to the household

[Onceuponacookie]

My boyfriend and his young child (once a week in term time and more in the holidays) have moved in with me and my two teenage children. Before he moved in, he said he would contribute towards the bills once he moved.

He hasn’t yet volunteered anything and it’s been a 6 weeks. He has bought a little bit of food for himself, but that’s it.

It’s an unusual situation in that we live in my old marital home and my ex husband pays the mortgage as part of our agreement until the children are 18. Obviously the bills and food and everything that goes with running a house are all still mine to pay. I work full time around the children but I also receive child maintenance that is generous and overall we have a comfortable life.

I asked BF what he wanted to do about the bills situation last night as he is now settled in. He laughed and said he wasn’t going to pay for me and my children as their dad pays maintenance for them and the mortgage. He then said he doesn’t really add to my bills anyway. He uses a little hot water and the appliances etc. he feel he should just contribute to some food for him as he doesn’t often eat with us.

Obviously since he has moved in he doesn’t have any rent or bills or household expenses or insurances that he previously had when he lived in his own place. He’s saving a fortune and my expenses have increased.

It feels to me like he has moved in for a free ride and to save some cash really!!

He doesn’t help around the house at all and he used to take me out maybe once every one or two weeks but that hasn’t happened since he moved in. He’s quite critical of any mess the children or I make and expects a very clean house but doesn’t do anything to contribute.

He says if we had moved in with him to his house he wouldn’t have expected me to pay for anything!

He talks about the future of when my kids are 18 and we move on from our home that we will split the bills 50/50 then.

Am I being unreasonably to expect him to contribute to where he lives and to our blended family despite my unusual situation?

Sorry @Onceuponacookie I just read your last post. Sending you all the good vibes I can muster. You need to be a strong cookie today and stand your ground. Get him out of your home and make it your's and your kid's again. xx

@Onceuponacookie what on earth have I just read? He doesn’t get to decide that he contributes nothing! This has to work out for both of you, not just him! You decide what he needs to contribute and if that’s not acceptable, off he fucks! He might contribute an undetermined amount at some vague point in the future, maybe when your children leave home? I don’t know what age your kids are, but I do know that kids are having to live at home much longer than they used to! You could be looking at years (most probably never!) He is a cheeky fucker! Does he bring anything to your relationship? At all? The father of your children and any partner he has are now also supporting a grown man! Housing a grown man!

Well done, OP, don't be embarassed, be proud. As above, on behalf of all women who accidentally find one of these men sidling into their life, congratulations on finding your inner Boudicca.

Huge well done for realising what he is like and making plans to remove him today. He would have only have gotten worse and then violent and used you as a house slave

To echo the other posters he is a cocklodger!

Sounds like you have a good plan to get him out but just don’t expect him to go down quietly. I would seriously consider not leaving the house and having someone stay with you and would be getting the locks changed asap.

Good luck!

Well done OP taking these steps to rid yourself of this total loser!!! 👏

Don’t be embarrassed. If you were my friend I’d be very impressed at your actions.

He didn't choose the house? Kidnapped and forced to move in was he?

Doesn't use any electricity and water?

What a joke.

Well done OP! You've done brilliantly. Hopefully you don't have too much heart ache and don't ever take him back. He's a user.

Please do you have ring doorbell or video doorbell etc.
He sounds deeply suspicious, I'm thinking about the pilot man in windsor great park.
Be super careful not just when you end it but in the aftermath also.

I would be trying to keep him smooth and very carefully managing him out with kid gloves.

Either he pays his way, or he moves straight back out again.

If I were you, I'd work out the total household expenditure, minus whatever your ExH sends you, and then split it in two - because that's what adults do. Imagine how much he's saved from not having to rent!

I just read your update OP and just wanted to say you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You’ve done really well recognising what he is and actually removing him. Hold your head up and be proud.

@Onceuponacookie

Well done you!!

Just curious, by 'loading his stuff to a van and taking it to his mother's' do you mean your Ex will be picking his stuff up himself from your front garden/porch, or that your BiL is 'the man with a van' and doing a drop off at Ex's mum's? I'm not sure from your post if you've actually spoken to your Ex or you're just packing his shit up, dumping it with Mum, and then telling him "You no longer live here".

I think I'm echoing others, but I wouldn't leave your house unattended, especially not overnight. And especially if the Ex won't know he's been kicked out until it's a 'fait accompli'. That waste of space is so entitled I'd be afraid he'd do some damage or try to gain entry by breaking a window. I think I'd arrange for someone to be with me overnight, preferably someone big and/or male. And if he does show up, I'd have no hesitation in calling the police at the slightest hint of a threat or a raised voice.

Really proud of you and it seems you have great family around you to support you.

Well done OP, what a distressing and difficult time for you.

I can't believe the number of posters saying let him stay if he agrees to pay! An old MN phrase - when someone shows you who they are believe them. He's clearly horrible, mean and has no respect for you.

Why? He’d already told her he won’t be paying her anything so why give him a chance?

Well OP you’re lucky in that at least he’s a very dim-witted narcissist. If he’d had a brain he’d have played the long game. Just make sure you look out for the red flags next time in case you find a more intelligent abuser.

To all the people mentioning locksmiths, you don't need a locksmith for most kinds of doors / locks. You can buy a new barrel (so same locking mechanism but different actual key needed) in B&Q or similar and change it yourself. It's not especially difficult, I've done it in two houses and I'm not particularly DIY minded.

I've also kept the original keys / barrels for this house with the intention that when I move I'll swap them back, take "my keys" with me and repeat.

And to OP, you should be proud of yourself not embarrassed. He's shown you his true colours and you've dealt with it swiftly rather than burying your head in the sand and hoping he'll get better.

This has made my blood boil. What a sponger! He should definitely be paying. Honestly I'm appalled. Get him out asap. You weren't put on this earth to provide for him. I'd have him out on the kerb. Also my friends are in a similar situation and one pays £500 a month to the other (of their own free will) to cover bills and lodging which would be significantly more expensive were they living alone. And thats not including food or living expenses. Or housing a child!! Edit... Read the full thread. I'm so sorry OP. Well done for getting him out. You've got nothing to get embarrassed about. He sounds dreadful.

Well done OP.

I'm glad you're getting him the hell out of your house.

Well done, OP, you've really swung into action! Hope it all goes well.

How incredibly disappointing for you, it’s mind boggling that you can agree to something ie a fair contribution and then he immediately reneges on that and quite nastily from the sounds of it.
I am sorry this has happened presumably as you had him move him you were in love and this is such a horrible betrayal, well done for not pussyfooting around and asking him to change etc etc be super proud of yourself

Well done op. Hope he leaves without a fuss. Enjoying being looking after by your mum

Well done! You have acted decisively and not allowed yourself to be manipulated or shocked into inaction.

"I will stay at my mums tonight so I can be looked after over the weekend and the kids are with their dad tonight. His child doesn’t see him until tomorrow afternoon."
Good plan to go to your mum's. Is there any chance maybe your BIL could stay at your house tonight? Just as a precaution.

"I feel so embarrassed to tell people in real life what’s happened but I suppose with men like this they are clever and if they showed their true colours at the start, no one would put up with it!"
Exactly so. Essentially he's been wearing a mask all the time you knew him, but onc he considered he had his feet under the table - well, it's not so much that his masked slipped, more that he gleefully threw it off. Actually, it's a good thing he did! Had he kept that mask in place, he could have gaslit you into accepting his parasitic ways - always making excuses why he couldn't contribute this month (e.g. car repairs) or contributing at first and then tailing off with excuses.

Do NOT feel embarrassed! On the contrary, you should be proud of how well and how speedily you've handled this, not allowing him to manipulate you. I'd be shouting it from the rooftops!

• 'OMG, did I tell you about my ex? He moved in on the basis that he'd be a second adult, paying his way and sharing the housework. Six weeks later I had to throw him out for never lifting a finger and telling me he's not paying a penny for his keep! I know, what a wannabe cocklodger! He seriously thought I'd let him away with that shit. Obviously I didn't, changed the locks and had my BIL help me pack his shit up whilst WannabeCocklodger was at work. But really - can you credit that a grown man could be suck an arsewipe?'

Seriously, tell it to everyone. You'd be surprised what revelations you'll hear in return - lots of shit your friends and colleagues will have dealt with but 'been too embarrassed' to share. It's very reassuring to hear that you are not alone in having been taken in by a con-man.