He doesn’t think he should contribute to the household

[Onceuponacookie]

My boyfriend and his young child (once a week in term time and more in the holidays) have moved in with me and my two teenage children. Before he moved in, he said he would contribute towards the bills once he moved.

He hasn’t yet volunteered anything and it’s been a 6 weeks. He has bought a little bit of food for himself, but that’s it.

It’s an unusual situation in that we live in my old marital home and my ex husband pays the mortgage as part of our agreement until the children are 18. Obviously the bills and food and everything that goes with running a house are all still mine to pay. I work full time around the children but I also receive child maintenance that is generous and overall we have a comfortable life.

I asked BF what he wanted to do about the bills situation last night as he is now settled in. He laughed and said he wasn’t going to pay for me and my children as their dad pays maintenance for them and the mortgage. He then said he doesn’t really add to my bills anyway. He uses a little hot water and the appliances etc. he feel he should just contribute to some food for him as he doesn’t often eat with us.

Obviously since he has moved in he doesn’t have any rent or bills or household expenses or insurances that he previously had when he lived in his own place. He’s saving a fortune and my expenses have increased.

It feels to me like he has moved in for a free ride and to save some cash really!!

He doesn’t help around the house at all and he used to take me out maybe once every one or two weeks but that hasn’t happened since he moved in. He’s quite critical of any mess the children or I make and expects a very clean house but doesn’t do anything to contribute.

He says if we had moved in with him to his house he wouldn’t have expected me to pay for anything!

He talks about the future of when my kids are 18 and we move on from our home that we will split the bills 50/50 then.

Am I being unreasonably to expect him to contribute to where he lives and to our blended family despite my unusual situation?

Well done op, for standing up for yourself and your kids. It's hard but you're doing the right thing.

The only thing I would do differently is stay at home this weekend, as hard as it may be, just to be certain he doesn't try a back up plan to get in until the message is loud and clear to him. Perhaps with your mum or someone staying with you? At least for tonight and tomorrow.

Well done OP. Sending hugs to you. You have been let down by someone you cared about and the end of a relationship is never easy, even if it completely the right thing to do.

Well done OP!

As someone who saw my poor DM’s two disastrous remarriages I can’t overstress how much you have done the right thing!

Both these men started out as lodgers (different times I guess) but quickly made their move on a vulnerable, lonely single mother who did have some assets, particularly a house, when they had virtually none. In the first case, to be fair, DM did kick him out pretty quickly and, even though they were married, as it was a very short marriage, in those days, she kept pretty much everything. In the second case she ended up considerably worse off financially, quite apart from the toll the much longer relationship had taken on her, DB and me.

To lighten the mood slightly, I must tell a story. When the first remarriage broke up, a week
or two later she got word that the STBX was going to come round and cause trouble. She wisely sent DB and me to stay the night with some friends some distance away and DGM was staying. They decided they would feel more comfortable with a man in the house so they got an old friend of the family round (retired army Colonel, a good 6 foot and quite burly) and he apparently spent some of the night patrolling up and down the hall in his nightshirt with the rolling pin over his shoulder!

Well done OP, you'll be so relieved when this weekend is over!
Don't be embarrassed, tell people the truth, it's him that should be embarrassed!

I feel so embarrassed to tell people in real life what’s happened but I suppose with men like this they are clever and if they showed their true colours at the start, no one would put up with it!

Absolutely nothing to feel embarrassed about! Women who don't put up with shit are admirable!

Well done OP! Hope it went well and he's out of the house

I’m so glad you are kicking him out. What an idiot. Now he will have to find somewhere to live, pay the rent and all the bills by himself so he’s way worse off than he would of been living with you and contributing towards the bills (he absolutely deserves this).

I bet he's full of bluster and protest and shouting about his 'rights' when he finds out he is now homeless.

I don't understand the mentality.. surely if you know you're a cocklodger, you know you've got no fucking rights to be there whatsoever... you'd BEHAVE yourself, not rock the boat, keep your head down etc etc..

It seems crazy to start being an arsehole with zero security - unless he is so thick he genuinely thinks he can't just be booted out?

Why should your ex pay for this man? If i was your ex I would be reducing the amount I contributed to the household.

Can you not see that you are being taken advantage of??

Well done OP, if you do go and stay somewhere else tonight or over the weekend I would speak to your neighbours, if you know them , and explain that you have asked him to leave , and ask them to let you know if they see or hear him kicking off so that you can contact the police.

Freeloading twat! It would be a, “Cheerio” from me! 👋🏼

She said her brother was changing the barrels, I assume this meant the lock barrels , not the lager!

That's a good idea. If he reacts badly the neighbours need to know you're safely out of the way.

Good point re the neighbours. I know you feel embarrassed, but you shouldn't, you should feel proud that you've been decisive and are no longer going to put up with him.

GET HIM OUT.

What an absolute wanker the man is!

I just cannot fathom how he is not deeply ashamed of his treatment of you.

Now his parents can deal with the fallout of raising someone like that.

You have done a great thing by kicking him out, for yourself and for your children!

Just make sure he gets the message and doesn't try to wheedle his way back into the house.

I see you have, good job.

Well done OP and I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. You have no reason to be embarrassed, what a cheek he has! My best to you and your children.

Well done OP! Absolutely the right decision and you should be proud of yourself for acting so quickly when his intentions became clear. He is the only one who should be embarrassed.

Glad you've got rid of him so easily. Quick intervention is key - so many women try again, try again, try again.... it never gets any better.

Please don't be embarrassed. He isn't who he made out to be - that's not your responsibility and not your fault.

It's sadly not uncommon that men can manage to hide this side of them for a certain time and when they get their feet under the table or otherwise feel they've got all the power they turn. My ex turned when I had our baby, that's when the temper came out. He thought I was trapped until I kicked him out, and he had plans to restrict my access to money once mat leave finished and I went part time (he actually told me!)

Do phone the police (not as an emergency - 101 is fine) and just give them a heads up - they can do a drive by later when doing any community patrols etc., and will also have the background info to hand if you need to call them in an emergency later (or if your neighbours do).

The police warned me when I was unhitching an abusive relationship that this point is the most dangerous and wanted to know when to expect it - you've already said about how your partner's character has changed and he now has a temper / may be violent.

Well done for being so decisive and glad you have a helpful BIL.

Wow. Well done. Your children will be so grateful that they've got a strong mum.
Just don't let the freeloader win you round with false promises again!
But I'm sure you won't - you sound awesome.

Well done you !

Just to add my friends ex did start shouting about rights. He'd bought food ocaddionally. He later had her burgled. Make sure you report him on 101. Any nonsense you can then cross reference it to him.

"a man can smile and smile and be a villain"