Page 28 | He doesn’t think he should contribute to the household

Onceuponacookie · 2024-07-18T19:24:46+00:00

My boyfriend and his young child (once a week in term time and more in the holidays) have moved in with me and my two teenage children. Before he moved in, he said he would contribute towards the bills once he moved. He hasn’t yet volunteered anything and it’s been a 6 weeks. He has bought a little bit of food for himself, but that’s it. It’s an unusual situation in that we live in my old marital home and my ex husband pays the mortgage as part of our agreement until the children are 18. Obviously the bills and food and everything that goes with running a house are all still mine to pay. I work full time around the children but I also receive child maintenance that is generous and overall we have a comfortable life. I asked BF what he wanted to do about the bills situation last night as he is now settled in. He laughed and said he wasn’t going to pay for me and my children as their dad pays maintenance for them and the mortgage. He then said he doesn’t really add to my bills anyway. He uses a little hot water and the appliances etc. he feel he should just contribute to some food for him as he doesn’t often eat with us. Obviously since he has moved in he doesn’t have any rent or bills or household expenses or insurances that he previously had when he lived in his own place. He’s saving a fortune and my expenses have increased. It feels to me like he has moved in for a free ride and to save some cash really!! He doesn’t help around the house at all and he used to take me out maybe once every one or two weeks but that hasn’t happened since he moved in. He’s quite critical of any mess the children or I make and expects a very clean house but doesn’t do anything to contribute. He says if we had moved in with him to his house he wouldn’t have expected me to pay for anything! He talks about the future of when my kids are 18 and we move on from our home that we will split the bills 50/50 then. Am I being unreasonably to expect him to contribute to where he lives and to our blended family despite my unusual situation?

LadyWiddiothethird · 19/07/2024 11:51

Well done OP,delighted to read your update this morning.

Get on with your life and enjoy it.

ButterCrackers · 19/07/2024 11:52

CandidHedgehog · 19/07/2024 11:30

He’s on the council tax.

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Contact the council to inform them that he is not living with you. Go to the police station and get it noted that he has moved out but has a temper. This police note will clear any confusion he causes at the council tax office. Contact the townhall to say he’s not living at your place so he’s not noted on the voter list.

Poolstream · 19/07/2024 11:54

So he wanted to sponge off money given to support your dc?
What a prick.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/07/2024 11:54

ButterCrackers · 19/07/2024 11:50

Well done. Take care of you. Don’t get into contact. Ignore his messages that will play on emotions.
When I read this in your post- “He says he didn’t choose this house either so shouldn’t have to pay for its upkeep. He also got angry that he has to live in my home I once shared with my ex and how did I think that made him feel?! So he expects to live for free whilst I don’t! ” You’re doing him a favour because sarcasm..it was truly was tough for him living free in your home. It’s therefore a relief for him to not be living at yours. He’s freeloading at his parents instead. What an absolute loser. Enjoy your time now free of him.

Yes I wonder if his parents will enable this big baby to continue not to pay his way.

AnonymousBleep · 19/07/2024 11:57

Fucking hell woman, kick this one to the curb.

ETA: Just RTFT. Well done for kicking this sponger to the curb!

LAMPS1 · 19/07/2024 11:57

Hold your head up high OP.
You had no reason to doubt his promise to contribute …but as soon as you realised that he had been using you for a free ride, you acted very swiftly and decisively indeed.
That’s some achievement and you should be proud of yourself.
He should be hanging his head in shame. But it’s likely he will try to bluff it out instead. So please block him on everything as soon as you have told him where all his stuff is.
Good luck to you and your children. And well done!

takealettermsjones · 19/07/2024 11:57

OP you are my hero! You have shown your kids the best example by taking no shit.
Good for you. 👏

Imbusytodaysorry · 19/07/2024 11:59

Onceuponacookie · 19/07/2024 10:07

We spoke again last night and he was insistent on his point that he would not be paying anything and that he couldn’t even think how I thought it was fair to ask him to contribute due to my situation. He says he didn’t choose this house either so shouldn’t have to pay for its upkeep. He also got angry that he has to live in my home I once shared with my ex and how did I think that made him feel?! So he expects to live for free whilst I don’t!

He denies ever saying he would contribute, but we had the conversation many times about how he wouldn’t buy x,y,z as he wanted to make sure he could contribute nicely when he moved in.

I have taken the day off work today. My boss is also a friend and knows what happened so she has been very understanding. Probably after seeing what a mess I was yesterday.

I’m packing his things up now. I’ve got BIL coming this afternoon to change the barrel and to help me pack anything that’s left. There are a few small bits of furniture and lamps and pictures that we will put in his van and he will take it all to his parents house in one go. I am going to text him once it’s done to avoid confrontation.

I will stay at my mums tonight so I can be looked after over the weekend and the kids are with their dad tonight. His child doesn’t see him until tomorrow afternoon.

I’ll call the council and get him off the bill and then is there anything I am missing?

I honestly can’t believe this has happened. He was a different person before this. So generous and good with the kids. Tendency to sulk and be a moody at times but overall the positives far outweighed the bad. I just don’t want to keep and mother a grown man who is clearly manipulative and grasping.

That isn’t what I signed up for.

I feel so embarrassed to tell people in real life what’s happened but I suppose with men like this they are clever and if they showed their true colours at the start, no one would put up with it!

Don’t you dare be embarrassed I am so impressed and you standing up to him and as soon as he has shown his trued colours you are getting him gone .

Enjoy your money and enjoy your kids and your home again with peace restored.

Lesson learned we all make mistakes .

Like you say he played a good game .

Qanat53 · 19/07/2024 12:00

I cannot afford for you to live here, it’s costing me extra for in expenses and housework you to live here.

the end

Makethisrainstop · 19/07/2024 12:01

Well done OP . Keep us updated.

user1471538283 · 19/07/2024 12:02

People like him rely on others being embarrassed they were conned. Rather than just don't con.

My ex once went mad at me because I told my health visitor some of the things he'd done to me. Because he didn't want people knowing.

People that hurt us or take advantage do not get to decide how we handle it.

I doubt he will be back. The jig is up so he'll be looking for his next victim.

murasaki · 19/07/2024 12:03

Well done. And what a helpful BiL.

LordPercyPercy · 19/07/2024 12:03

OP firstly well done on acting so decisively on getting the cocklodging freeloader out so promptly.

Not sure if you'll manage to read all the posts but if you read mine - moodiness and a tendency to sulk are really red flags, especially in quite a new relationship when people are still on their best behaviour. I would honestly suggest anyone run a mile at the first sign of that.

T1Dmama · 19/07/2024 12:04

Onceuponacookie · 19/07/2024 10:07

We spoke again last night and he was insistent on his point that he would not be paying anything and that he couldn’t even think how I thought it was fair to ask him to contribute due to my situation. He says he didn’t choose this house either so shouldn’t have to pay for its upkeep. He also got angry that he has to live in my home I once shared with my ex and how did I think that made him feel?! So he expects to live for free whilst I don’t!

He denies ever saying he would contribute, but we had the conversation many times about how he wouldn’t buy x,y,z as he wanted to make sure he could contribute nicely when he moved in.

I have taken the day off work today. My boss is also a friend and knows what happened so she has been very understanding. Probably after seeing what a mess I was yesterday.

I’m packing his things up now. I’ve got BIL coming this afternoon to change the barrel and to help me pack anything that’s left. There are a few small bits of furniture and lamps and pictures that we will put in his van and he will take it all to his parents house in one go. I am going to text him once it’s done to avoid confrontation.

I will stay at my mums tonight so I can be looked after over the weekend and the kids are with their dad tonight. His child doesn’t see him until tomorrow afternoon.

I’ll call the council and get him off the bill and then is there anything I am missing?

I honestly can’t believe this has happened. He was a different person before this. So generous and good with the kids. Tendency to sulk and be a moody at times but overall the positives far outweighed the bad. I just don’t want to keep and mother a grown man who is clearly manipulative and grasping.

That isn’t what I signed up for.

I feel so embarrassed to tell people in real life what’s happened but I suppose with men like this they are clever and if they showed their true colours at the start, no one would put up with it!

Well done @Onceuponacookie ..
You don’t need to feel ashamed or embarrassed! In fact feel proud that you’ve got him out so quickly!!
Please make a report to the police, say that while there hasn’t been an incident yet you’re concerned he might turn nasty now you’ve removed him!!

LittleGreenDragons · 19/07/2024 12:05

I think the only thing missing is a phone call to your local police mentioning you are throwing an angry man out of your house today.

Also take pictures of the outside in case he throws bricks through your windows as I wouldn't put it past him .

Well done @Onceuponacookie i imagine that took a lot of strength to do.

Figgygal · 19/07/2024 12:05

Onceuponacookie · 19/07/2024 10:07

We spoke again last night and he was insistent on his point that he would not be paying anything and that he couldn’t even think how I thought it was fair to ask him to contribute due to my situation. He says he didn’t choose this house either so shouldn’t have to pay for its upkeep. He also got angry that he has to live in my home I once shared with my ex and how did I think that made him feel?! So he expects to live for free whilst I don’t!

He denies ever saying he would contribute, but we had the conversation many times about how he wouldn’t buy x,y,z as he wanted to make sure he could contribute nicely when he moved in.

I have taken the day off work today. My boss is also a friend and knows what happened so she has been very understanding. Probably after seeing what a mess I was yesterday.

I’m packing his things up now. I’ve got BIL coming this afternoon to change the barrel and to help me pack anything that’s left. There are a few small bits of furniture and lamps and pictures that we will put in his van and he will take it all to his parents house in one go. I am going to text him once it’s done to avoid confrontation.

I will stay at my mums tonight so I can be looked after over the weekend and the kids are with their dad tonight. His child doesn’t see him until tomorrow afternoon.

I’ll call the council and get him off the bill and then is there anything I am missing?

I honestly can’t believe this has happened. He was a different person before this. So generous and good with the kids. Tendency to sulk and be a moody at times but overall the positives far outweighed the bad. I just don’t want to keep and mother a grown man who is clearly manipulative and grasping.

That isn’t what I signed up for.

I feel so embarrassed to tell people in real life what’s happened but I suppose with men like this they are clever and if they showed their true colours at the start, no one would put up with it!

Fair play op
Im Impressed with your decisiveness
Hope he leaves quietly

Grammarnut · 19/07/2024 12:06

Well done, OP!

T1Dmama · 19/07/2024 12:08

Possibly ask neighbours also to keep an eye open.. if he turns up ask them to call 999

WmFnKdSg1234 · 19/07/2024 12:08

Glad you have decided he is going. My only advice is do not under estimate how attractive a woman with her own home is to those who have problems with their accommodation!

I think you definitely missed a few red flags.

Well done though for sorting things out promptly. Best wishes

WmFnKdSg1234 · 19/07/2024 12:13

Remember his accommodation issues are not your problem you are under not obligation to him, he's an adult, not one of your children. Don't let him attempt to pull on your heart strings.

Do let your male family members intervene. Sometimes these kind of men will only back off if tokd by another assertive male.

Your ex- partner thinks you're a soft touch.

Lurkingandlearning · 19/07/2024 12:14

Out fucking rageous. Kick him out and end the relationship.

No decent person would expect your ex to financially support them. I’m a bit stunned.

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/07/2024 12:14

Well done OP!

I am sorry this has happened to you... but boy would I love to be a fly on the wall when he realises he doesn't live there any more!

Please make sure you're safe when he is told/finds out though!!

Dayoldbag · 19/07/2024 12:16

He is unhinged in his behaviour and so premeditated.

He kept pretending that hd was decent and the minute he was in showed that he has a real temper and hadn't a notion of contributing and yet expected you to accept this.

An unhinged liar and potentially dangerous.

I wouldn't want him near my children.

OP, you have a good settlement with your Ex. Be careful of making him feel like a gobshite paying to house your boyfriend.
Someone could well point out to him the optics of this and things could become unnecessarily strained between you.

You need to jealously protect what you have.

Noodlehen · 19/07/2024 12:16

Onceuponacookie · 19/07/2024 10:07

We spoke again last night and he was insistent on his point that he would not be paying anything and that he couldn’t even think how I thought it was fair to ask him to contribute due to my situation. He says he didn’t choose this house either so shouldn’t have to pay for its upkeep. He also got angry that he has to live in my home I once shared with my ex and how did I think that made him feel?! So he expects to live for free whilst I don’t!

He denies ever saying he would contribute, but we had the conversation many times about how he wouldn’t buy x,y,z as he wanted to make sure he could contribute nicely when he moved in.

I have taken the day off work today. My boss is also a friend and knows what happened so she has been very understanding. Probably after seeing what a mess I was yesterday.

I’m packing his things up now. I’ve got BIL coming this afternoon to change the barrel and to help me pack anything that’s left. There are a few small bits of furniture and lamps and pictures that we will put in his van and he will take it all to his parents house in one go. I am going to text him once it’s done to avoid confrontation.

I will stay at my mums tonight so I can be looked after over the weekend and the kids are with their dad tonight. His child doesn’t see him until tomorrow afternoon.

I’ll call the council and get him off the bill and then is there anything I am missing?

I honestly can’t believe this has happened. He was a different person before this. So generous and good with the kids. Tendency to sulk and be a moody at times but overall the positives far outweighed the bad. I just don’t want to keep and mother a grown man who is clearly manipulative and grasping.

That isn’t what I signed up for.

I feel so embarrassed to tell people in real life what’s happened but I suppose with men like this they are clever and if they showed their true colours at the start, no one would put up with it!

Well done OP. As hard as it is, you knew what needed to be done and did it immediately. You have put your kids and yourself first. I hope it you are not met with any further difficulty x

Wheresthebeach · 19/07/2024 12:18

So awful for you. Give yourself a lot of time to process and grieve.