He doesn’t think he should contribute to the household

[Onceuponacookie]

My boyfriend and his young child (once a week in term time and more in the holidays) have moved in with me and my two teenage children. Before he moved in, he said he would contribute towards the bills once he moved.

He hasn’t yet volunteered anything and it’s been a 6 weeks. He has bought a little bit of food for himself, but that’s it.

It’s an unusual situation in that we live in my old marital home and my ex husband pays the mortgage as part of our agreement until the children are 18. Obviously the bills and food and everything that goes with running a house are all still mine to pay. I work full time around the children but I also receive child maintenance that is generous and overall we have a comfortable life.

I asked BF what he wanted to do about the bills situation last night as he is now settled in. He laughed and said he wasn’t going to pay for me and my children as their dad pays maintenance for them and the mortgage. He then said he doesn’t really add to my bills anyway. He uses a little hot water and the appliances etc. he feel he should just contribute to some food for him as he doesn’t often eat with us.

Obviously since he has moved in he doesn’t have any rent or bills or household expenses or insurances that he previously had when he lived in his own place. He’s saving a fortune and my expenses have increased.

It feels to me like he has moved in for a free ride and to save some cash really!!

He doesn’t help around the house at all and he used to take me out maybe once every one or two weeks but that hasn’t happened since he moved in. He’s quite critical of any mess the children or I make and expects a very clean house but doesn’t do anything to contribute.

He says if we had moved in with him to his house he wouldn’t have expected me to pay for anything!

He talks about the future of when my kids are 18 and we move on from our home that we will split the bills 50/50 then.

Am I being unreasonably to expect him to contribute to where he lives and to our blended family despite my unusual situation?

Actually he’s made it pretty simple OP. Simple but not easy.

Get him out with some male relatives help. Make sure your kids are out when this happens. He has no right to notice. He packs a bag you change the locks the same day. He has a month to pick up his stuff otherwise it goes in the bin. Get a ring doorbell and other security cameras for your own protection. Get your car swept for trackers / mobile phone if you think he is tech savvy. Block him on everything.

If you feel threatened or harassed at any point report to the police. For example extreme anger, breaking things, showing up unannounced, sending nasty messages.

Sorry this has happened! At least you found out he was a prick after 6 weeks rather than 6 years!

Bravo OP I'm proud of you. A 100% kick ass update.

Do think about getting a ring doorbell if you don't already have one. Will make him think twice about kicking off on the doorstep if he thinks he's being recorded.

Another thing to do is tell the police non emergency number will do that you've put your ex out and he might become violent at the house. It might not be today but over the next few days

i think he’ll backtrack when he discovers he can’t get in and watch for the lovebombing and then the anger be wary hence reporting to the police

ring door bell would be good too

a last text do not contact me again as I’ll take this as harassment a very clear message for him

Please don’t be embarrassed OP. Many of us have fallen prey to this kind of greedy bastard.

You should be really proud of how you are dealing with it.

I agree with PP that safety is now a consideration, so please stay safe.

You are handling this really well and you have nothing to feel embarrassed by. I hope it all goes well for you. 💖🌈💐🌟

All of this

Stay at home OP and have people come stay with you, you don't want him doing anything to the house knowing your not there.
Well done on ending things, stay strong.

Well done OP!

Be gentle with yourself and spend time time reflecting. You say it was a complete 180 he pulled yet you also say he was moody and would sulk a lot. Perhaps he did completely change after moving in or perhaps you just didn't want to see the red flags.

Please be more wary in future, don't move a man into your home, your childrens home, until you are completely sure for all of your sakes and don't overlook behaviour that you should be questioning.

Well done OP, what a shitty man he is. I'm glad you've got lots of support and you will never regret getting rid of this cocklodger. Not once!

When things have settled down, it might be an idea to do The Freedom Programme. It definitely helps you to spot the warning signs. Wishing you and your little family peace going forward

Don't be embarrassed, he sucked you right in. He should be the one that's embarrassed.

I don't understand these people who think they can live off others/for free! You are doing the right thing,

That's why he moved in dear, he needs to go straight back out, don't do what I and other women have done (although I have never had a man move in with me) and not put your foot down because he might leave you, this is no loss.

I know of another example where by the woman was waiting in temporary accommodation, 6 years passed her bf saw his kids at his relatives house where he lives anyway, but I think it was getting difficult to keep them over night due to space.
He took his ex to court and got over nights etc/holidays.
And his gf then got offered a private two bed flat. So he 'asked' if he could have them there lol, and that's what he does.
Even at a point went off to work in 'his time' to have them in the holidays to work whilst his gf looked after them.
Ok I am sure as they stay there he gives something and they have a child together too, since, but it's a *iss take through and through.
But this is what women do when they would rather have something than nothing.

Well done @Onceuponacookie ! You are doing brilliantly.

I am not sure it's a good idea to leave the house empty though. He could call out a locksmith and pretend to have lost his keys. Sensible to have your kids elsewhere for the night in case he makes a scene but is there anyone who could stay there for security?

OP you are a superstar and amazing for throwing him out so quickly. Can I just offer a couple of points of advice?

Have a locksmith change the locks today.

Invite round a male friend/brother/ex to be there when he is due home.

Have your mother stay at yours tonight - don't leave the house empty.

Good luck and be safe. Well done on dealing with this so quickly

My sentiments exactly. You’ve done yourself proud for acting so quickly. Well done OP.
Be ready for him to try to get you back with promises of being better and getting a place fairly together etc. Don’t fall for it, please stay away from this arse.

Wow! I hope this IS real because as a pp put it so well, that was a kick-ass update.

Also agreeing that he would contribute once settled in lol, if he had moved in to his own rental for example would the landlord allow him some time to settle in 😂 no way!

Can I ask whether it was his idea that he should go on the council tax? I wonder whether he thinks that's a kind of official confirmation that he lives there.

Plus, you lost your 25% discount so you're actually paying for him to live there!

Good on you! So many women put up with shit for the sake of it. And the fact that he’s gaslighting you now as well…
Good riddance!
I wish you a VERY happy future.

Don’t you need proof of living there for a locksmith these days?

Well done, proud your seeing him for who he is now, I wouldnt want to be anywhere near someone like that

Well done on taking swift and decisive action OP, it can’t have been easy. You are setting a brilliant example for your children.

Keep yourself safe (sounds like you are taking proactive steps). Perhaps phone 101 and ask if they can put a flag on your address, just in case he kicks off?

Well done, OP. You've been brilliant.

No need to be embarrassed. And you don't have to tell anyone what happened (except those closest to you, who likely already know). Simply say that it just didn't work out in the end. That's it. No one's business.

You could put a note on the inside of the door or window, 'Dear locksmith.
We have recently changed the locks. Please contact xxxx if you wish to confirm'. I would log a concern on the police website. Then if he unlawfully enters he would be arrested.

So sorry you've been played like this, OP. He's the one that should feel embarrassed, not you.

Well done OP. Stand strong. It isn't just about the money he is basically saying you and your ex ought to be paying for him! Deeply deeply unattractive and unbelievably cheeky! It's also his lack of effort / action around the house and making your kids feel uncomfortable.