He doesn’t think he should contribute to the household

[Onceuponacookie]

My boyfriend and his young child (once a week in term time and more in the holidays) have moved in with me and my two teenage children. Before he moved in, he said he would contribute towards the bills once he moved.

He hasn’t yet volunteered anything and it’s been a 6 weeks. He has bought a little bit of food for himself, but that’s it.

It’s an unusual situation in that we live in my old marital home and my ex husband pays the mortgage as part of our agreement until the children are 18. Obviously the bills and food and everything that goes with running a house are all still mine to pay. I work full time around the children but I also receive child maintenance that is generous and overall we have a comfortable life.

I asked BF what he wanted to do about the bills situation last night as he is now settled in. He laughed and said he wasn’t going to pay for me and my children as their dad pays maintenance for them and the mortgage. He then said he doesn’t really add to my bills anyway. He uses a little hot water and the appliances etc. he feel he should just contribute to some food for him as he doesn’t often eat with us.

Obviously since he has moved in he doesn’t have any rent or bills or household expenses or insurances that he previously had when he lived in his own place. He’s saving a fortune and my expenses have increased.

It feels to me like he has moved in for a free ride and to save some cash really!!

He doesn’t help around the house at all and he used to take me out maybe once every one or two weeks but that hasn’t happened since he moved in. He’s quite critical of any mess the children or I make and expects a very clean house but doesn’t do anything to contribute.

He says if we had moved in with him to his house he wouldn’t have expected me to pay for anything!

He talks about the future of when my kids are 18 and we move on from our home that we will split the bills 50/50 then.

Am I being unreasonably to expect him to contribute to where he lives and to our blended family despite my unusual situation?

Change the locks too! Good luck OP, don’t be embarrassed, you’ve saved yourself years of heartache and stress

I couldn't be with someone who was not embarrassed to be living in a house their partners ex pays for whilst contributing nothing.
What a pitiful excuse for a man

This. I’m surprised you’re acting quite so fast but bravo. But plan for the worst just in case. Is leaving the house empty this evening a good idea? Would it better to be there with others?

It's surprising he showed his true colours so quickly. Good for OP tho. So she can kick him out now instead of him pretending he's going to pay for months and months and try to draw it out. Let's hope he has a big shock when he realises he's out!

Yes op 💪💪💪

Well done.

Dont be embarrassed. Be proud. As soon as ou found out what a twat he was, you acted on it. You didn't know before. Good luck.

I wonder whether you should make a Clare's Law request to see whether there's anything about his past you should be aware of?

This. I was so embarrassed my ex husband was abusive and stayed longer than I should have.

Think of this as a new start and at least you haven't got children or a tie to him. Good luck 🍀

OP you're inspirational, you took immediate action leaving your life clear. It's very brave and an excellent lesson to your children

OP, well done.
Do not leave YOUR home.
Good that your children will not be there but you shouldn't leave.
I wouldn't put ANYTHING past him.
See who can come and stay with you asap and stay in YOUR home.
Do not be driven out.
Order a wireless video bell for your door today.
Well done.
He is some CF whom obviously groomed you.

Well done you. Hope all goes well in the future and he doesn't make too much of a nuisance of himself!

Well done op!

This actually made me feel stressed reading it.
What a horrible, awful freeloader he is.
Get him out, today if possible, if not over the weekend.
Even if he changes his tune, do not give him another chance, he sounds so ,so bad, just awful.
Good luck!! X

Well done OP, I can understand wanting to be elsewhere. Can your brother stay at your property this weekend?

I also suggest installing a security/video light which records.

We have the eufy Security Solar Wall Light Cam S120 Solar Security Camera - it doesn't look like a security camera and records straight to an app it's on amazon and very very good quality including sound. We had a problem neighbour causing issues within our property boundary. The police commented on how good the quality of footage was. You can see it live remotely as well.

@Onceuponacookie

Hi OP - are you doing ok?

I’m just wondering if you’ve told your husband he needs to leave?

I can’t believe he tried to gaslight you into him not paying anything.

I honestly can’t believe this has happened. He was a different person before this. So generous and good with the kids.

How long were you with him before he moved in?

Fair play to you acting so quickly here.

He’s a real piece of work.

You’re awesome. You gave him a final opportunity to redeem himself and that was the point at which he should have thought to himself ‘I’m being asked to contribute. I need to do that or I’m going to be forcing my partner to accept something that clearly makes her unhappy and she is telling me is unfair.’ He chose to try to force you and it’s a warning sign of how he’d be in the relationship: you’ll do what he says and there won’t be any appealing / reasoning / sharing burdens.

My god, he had it so good. What an absolute fucking idiot he is. He’s going to get the shock of his life when he realises how much he underestimated you. He’ll might not be angry - he might be the world’s loveliest man for a bit while he tries to manipulate himself back into the cushy set up he just ballsed up. Just remind yourself that he’s 1) broken a clear agreement and doesn’t give a fuck; 2) was perfectly happy to have so little respect that he was willing to just to sponge off you and your ex; 3) barely lifted a finger to help around the house; 4) laughed at your first attempt to discuss it; 5) had the cheek to start dictating to you about standards of tidiness in your own home despite not paying a penny or cleaning anything; 6) didn’t want to share anything he was quietly saving by having virtually zero overheads; 7) started showing signs of a bad temper the minute his foot was through the door.

Let him cry and stamp his feet in his air bnb.

I wonder if he’s been reading American websites. Apparently there, once you move in and get your name on a bill (or even without the bill but that’s proof for the courts), you are a tenant and eviction procedures have to be followed (even if you are what we in the UK would call a lodger). It might explain why he dropped the mask the minute he was in.

@Onceuponacookie , if he starts trying to say he has legal rights to stay, he doesn’t (unless you are not in England or Wales, in which case the law may be different).

Don't feel embarrassed OP. I know it's easy to say but don't carry his shame, especially on top of everything else.

Shift the shame back on him when ypu tell people.
"You won't believe what Zebraface has done to me, moved in and expects to be a kept man. Won't lift a finger and says proudly that he isn't willing to contribute, who does that! He's out on his ear"

That's taking control and not being a victim.

Have been there so know how much it sucks.
In my case, he was a trust fund baby with an over triple my salary allowance, yet I found myself paying more somehow.

Well done for taking the steps to kick him out 👏👏.

If he was a husband, she wouldn’t be able to get him out without a court order so it’s just as well they aren’t married.

Well done OP for acting quickly. Good luck x

I'm waiting to read, "He's gone"

Lesson learned- don't ship a man in after 5mins. You ignored his moodiness which I'm very certain that you have downplayed. Get him out and set your bar and boundaries much higher. Be thankful that you are in a very lucky situation in all aspects of your life, make better choices for your children.

Very much agree with this

Of course the hope is that he doesn't bother and just moves onto the next mark, but if not it might well mean involving the authorities and it's to be hoped they act swiftly for once

Good on you for throwing him out!! Definitely doing the right thing. Don’t be embarrassed to tell people, just say he completely changed and told you he wanted to sponge off you and not pay for anything once he got his foot in the door. It’s not your fault at all that he duped you. I just can’t believe his bloody cheek!!

I personally wouldn’t leave the house empty tonight. You’ve seen he has a temper and that could indicate a nasty streak so I’d want to be there just in case he tries to cause some damage.

In future I wouldn’t tell boyfriends so much about your finances until things are very serious. If they move in it’s completely fair to charge them a small rent for the upkeep of the house (regardless of your situation as you are the one paying/responsible for repairs and they are benefitting, like a lodger would)