He doesn’t think he should contribute to the household

[Onceuponacookie]

My boyfriend and his young child (once a week in term time and more in the holidays) have moved in with me and my two teenage children. Before he moved in, he said he would contribute towards the bills once he moved.

He hasn’t yet volunteered anything and it’s been a 6 weeks. He has bought a little bit of food for himself, but that’s it.

It’s an unusual situation in that we live in my old marital home and my ex husband pays the mortgage as part of our agreement until the children are 18. Obviously the bills and food and everything that goes with running a house are all still mine to pay. I work full time around the children but I also receive child maintenance that is generous and overall we have a comfortable life.

I asked BF what he wanted to do about the bills situation last night as he is now settled in. He laughed and said he wasn’t going to pay for me and my children as their dad pays maintenance for them and the mortgage. He then said he doesn’t really add to my bills anyway. He uses a little hot water and the appliances etc. he feel he should just contribute to some food for him as he doesn’t often eat with us.

Obviously since he has moved in he doesn’t have any rent or bills or household expenses or insurances that he previously had when he lived in his own place. He’s saving a fortune and my expenses have increased.

It feels to me like he has moved in for a free ride and to save some cash really!!

He doesn’t help around the house at all and he used to take me out maybe once every one or two weeks but that hasn’t happened since he moved in. He’s quite critical of any mess the children or I make and expects a very clean house but doesn’t do anything to contribute.

He says if we had moved in with him to his house he wouldn’t have expected me to pay for anything!

He talks about the future of when my kids are 18 and we move on from our home that we will split the bills 50/50 then.

Am I being unreasonably to expect him to contribute to where he lives and to our blended family despite my unusual situation?

I hope you are able to get him out and quickly. You really can do without men like this. What a colossal cheek.

I bet he's saving for a deposit for a mortgage.

Also, don't worry about how he will house himself - he hasn't spent any money on living expenses for a month and a half so he will have several hundred pounds saved up for a B&B for a week or two while he sorts out another rental!

Let us know when he's gone OP. Don't give in. Lose him.

No need for notice.
He has plenty of money.
He leaves today and she puts her children first and learns a hard lesson from this.
18 months is nothing.
I have often heard it takes a good two years for you to really see who someone is, even longer.
When it's a children's home 18 months is very little.
He need to leave immediately.
Nothing to do with the OP where he goes.
Call the police if there is a hint of aggression.

Asap - Change the locks when he is out and leave his stuff outside the front door. You need to protect yourself and your children

Fucking hell get him out of your house today!!

The first time a man ever showed a temper in a home with my kids, I wouldn’t wait to kick them out.
They would be gone that day.

Its very telling that you care more about him not contributing to the bills, rather than him having a temper and being around your kids.

I feel sorry for your ex.
Not only is he paying the mortgage and generous maintenance, but you’ve now moved a man in and getting 2 incomes and your ex’s money is going towards keeping this grown man.
Not only is he paying for you, his kids and now the new man but the new man has a temper which could be taken out on his kids.

If I was your ex and you did this I would immediately stop paying the mortgage and go for being the RP because you’re taking the piss and not being a good parent.

Stop thinking with your vagina and put your kids first.

He then said he doesn’t really add to my bills anyway.

Wow, if he can live at no cost-magically-it won’t matter where he lives then, will it?!

We spoke again last night and he was insistent on his point that he would not be paying anything and that he couldn’t even think how I thought it was fair to ask him to contribute due to my situation. He says he didn’t choose this house either so shouldn’t have to pay for its upkeep. He also got angry that he has to live in my home I once shared with my ex and how did I think that made him feel?! So he expects to live for free whilst I don’t!

He denies ever saying he would contribute, but we had the conversation many times about how he wouldn’t buy x,y,z as he wanted to make sure he could contribute nicely when he moved in.

I have taken the day off work today. My boss is also a friend and knows what happened so she has been very understanding. Probably after seeing what a mess I was yesterday.

I’m packing his things up now. I’ve got BIL coming this afternoon to change the barrel and to help me pack anything that’s left. There are a few small bits of furniture and lamps and pictures that we will put in his van and he will take it all to his parents house in one go. I am going to text him once it’s done to avoid confrontation.

I will stay at my mums tonight so I can be looked after over the weekend and the kids are with their dad tonight. His child doesn’t see him until tomorrow afternoon.

I’ll call the council and get him off the bill and then is there anything I am missing?

I honestly can’t believe this has happened. He was a different person before this. So generous and good with the kids. Tendency to sulk and be a moody at times but overall the positives far outweighed the bad. I just don’t want to keep and mother a grown man who is clearly manipulative and grasping.

That isn’t what I signed up for.

I feel so embarrassed to tell people in real life what’s happened but I suppose with men like this they are clever and if they showed their true colours at the start, no one would put up with it!

How can he think that not paying towards bills is acceptable. Get him out. I’m also amazed that your ex didn’t stipulate that a new partner moving in is a ‘trigger point’ for him no longer paying the mortgage.

I will stay at my mums tonight

I’d stay at home-let your mum come round to you.

Does he know you are throwing him out/packing his things?

He also got angry that he has to live in my home I once shared with my ex and how did I think that made him feel?!

The fucking cheek of it. Well mate easy answer as it bother you is move back to where you came from.

What a nasty piece of shit he is

OP - ypu are amazing. You haven't let this situation drag on for months and months, you've realised he's a total cocklodger and you're tossing him out. You haven't fallen for any of the typical cocklodger tricks - silent treatment, darvo etc,

Good job!!! Don't be embarassed. Anyone can make a mistake. Not everyone fixes it this quickly.

You're doing the right thing op. If he continues to live with you rent free, it could jeopardise how much your ex pays. I'm sure if he found out your new boyfriend was living rent /bill free, he may well stop paying the bills.

Glad you have made the decision to get rid of him asap.

Don't be embarrassed of telling people. Be proud of your morals and values that show you don't put up with things like this. People will admire you for it.

well done OP for reacting quickly to this nonsense.

He was like this all along, he didn't change when he moved in, he just showed his true colours.

I haven't read all the replies only your one's OP...

Did you add his name to the council tax in line with the 'how many adults live at the address rule'?
If so just remove his name.

Didn't take him long to show his true colours, hopefully he'll respect the fact that it's your DC's home before his.

I know you're divorced and your Ex has no say in who you live with, and rightly so, but I kind of feel for him as it's him that's paying to keep the roof that's over your DP head, and that wasn't part of the agreement he signed up to when you divorced.

If you do want to continue the relationship maybe suggest to your DP instead of waiting for your DC to move out now would be a good time to start looking for your new home together and your DC will always be your children and there's no guarantee that they won't need a room even if they do go on to go to uni or such.

If you don't want to be with him you need to move quickly on getting him to leave, the longer you let it drag on won't make it any easier.

Just read your today's update..

Unless you never disclosed any of that information before he moved in I find it incredibly odd that all his excuses are things that he knew about pre moving in.

Also don't be embarrassed. I'm sure everyone in your life will be so happy that you got rid of the cock lodger when they find out he wasn't up for paying anything

If you read the thread, she is far from that.

OP well done on getting so much organised.
You are a capable, strong woman, you have been sold a fairytale and then a frog moved in.
Now his parents can bankroll him.
You have done nothing wrong here. You have been a bit naive but we all have and this is a lesson learned.
This man chose to move in so he can’t complain it was the family home.
He’s a manipulative bully.
Agree with all of the PP that he might not accept your decision and turn on the hearts/flowers/promise.
He’s shown exactly who is and who he is stinks on every level.
Look after you and your DC, start enjoying your home again, and again well done on taking action.
You have some great people in your life.

Exactly. Good luck, OP. Congratulations on being rid of that complete arsehole of a man.

Hi
Ex, I agree it is not Fair on you having to living in my home, so I have taken your feelings into consideration and packed for you, so you no longer have to supported by my money.
Thanks for the wake up call....

Fuck me kick him out!!! He’s no shame leeching off your ex ‘s responsibility to take care of your shared children. What a cunt!

Why should you be paying towards his bills/food and his child’s. It’s a bit late now but why wasn’t this set up before he moved in. He sounds a catch- not.