He doesn’t think he should contribute to the household

[Onceuponacookie]

My boyfriend and his young child (once a week in term time and more in the holidays) have moved in with me and my two teenage children. Before he moved in, he said he would contribute towards the bills once he moved.

He hasn’t yet volunteered anything and it’s been a 6 weeks. He has bought a little bit of food for himself, but that’s it.

It’s an unusual situation in that we live in my old marital home and my ex husband pays the mortgage as part of our agreement until the children are 18. Obviously the bills and food and everything that goes with running a house are all still mine to pay. I work full time around the children but I also receive child maintenance that is generous and overall we have a comfortable life.

I asked BF what he wanted to do about the bills situation last night as he is now settled in. He laughed and said he wasn’t going to pay for me and my children as their dad pays maintenance for them and the mortgage. He then said he doesn’t really add to my bills anyway. He uses a little hot water and the appliances etc. he feel he should just contribute to some food for him as he doesn’t often eat with us.

Obviously since he has moved in he doesn’t have any rent or bills or household expenses or insurances that he previously had when he lived in his own place. He’s saving a fortune and my expenses have increased.

It feels to me like he has moved in for a free ride and to save some cash really!!

He doesn’t help around the house at all and he used to take me out maybe once every one or two weeks but that hasn’t happened since he moved in. He’s quite critical of any mess the children or I make and expects a very clean house but doesn’t do anything to contribute.

He says if we had moved in with him to his house he wouldn’t have expected me to pay for anything!

He talks about the future of when my kids are 18 and we move on from our home that we will split the bills 50/50 then.

Am I being unreasonably to expect him to contribute to where he lives and to our blended family despite my unusual situation?

Oh my word, what a piece of shit you bf is! I don't often say this but you need to end it NOW! Get him out of your house asap! Good.luck x

Definitely have them there, and I would also do it asap.

Would there be any way for you to, for example, take the day off work without him knowing so you could pack his bags for him? Then have brother/BIL be there when he returns from work and let him know he needs to leave?

I think the whole thing needs to be like ripping off a plaster, done so quickly that he barely has time to react - hence the thinking about packing his things up in advance.

He has no legal (or moral!) right to continue living in your house so get rid of the leech. Do not give him notice! He doesn’t sound like the sort of man that would react positively to that at all.

Good luck!

Where has he been living all of his life? Surely he can’t think it’s reasonable that he just pays for his extra food and nothing else?!

Does your ex know he is funding the cocklodger and a cocklodger enabler?

Contribution madness aside, why do people do this shit to their kids? Why do you think they want to live with mums random boyfriend? Especially as teenagers.

Exactly the same response.

Dont make this a sexism issue when it’s not relevant what sex the freeloader is.

Be prepared for him suddenly proposing and offering you the world, promising to change and to pay all the bills in the future. He won’t. It will be a desperate attempt to cling on to his meal ticket.

This.
Pack up all his stuff so he has no excuse to return. Get all the locks changed and then ask your DB and BiL to be there when he tries to get in…
They can tell him to wait outside and pass his stuff out of the house. Then just tell him you don’t need a lodger who won’t pay his way so goodbye.

Hi OP

You already know that he has to go. He's told you he intends to financially abuse you and shown you that he also intends to emotionally abuse you too.

What you also need to know is that you can never ever take him back or let him stay living in your home even if he does decide that he is prepared to pay his own way. Why ? Because he has shown you that he will push against any boundaries you need to have in place for your own safety, financial, emotional or possibly even physical. He doesn't have a conscience regarding his own behaviour, he schemes to get what he wants and punishes you if you won't just rollover and accept it.

You're being unreasonable to put up with this.
He's a freeloader taking you for a ride. He knows you're uncomfortable with the current situation but he laughed in your face.

You know what you have to do.

He's going to beg to be allowed to change once he sees his easy street life is over.

Make him go and then block him. Stay safe.

We have actually had a few threads like this.

Normally after everyone telling the poster what she is, she asks MN to delete the thread with some crappy excuse.

This is why you won't find threads from a woman on MN like this.

He sounds dangerous.

Definitely get your DB round and maybe BIL too.

Is his son with him all the time? If not I'd maybe wait until son is at his partners'.

Then change the locks.

Absolutely

Get rid of that shackle around your neck.

And if that doesn't work, be prepared for him to demand money to live elsewhere because you've "taken his home off him"

The but I am a housewife and sahm has been used before

Yep.
It will go like this

Firstly, promises of change, declarations of love, dont break our family up emotional manipulation etc

Secondly, shock and indignation- how could you do this to us, I loved you, its all your fault, how can you be so callous

Thirdly, when he knows you arent budging it will get nasty and he'll become incredibly mean, confrontational, angry and vicious.

Be prepared and steel yourself but do not budge.

This relationship is over. The man is showing you who he really is. He needs to leave ASAP. You should make sure that you have somebody with you when you tell him and he can pack and leave right then. He has brought this on himself, so it is not your problem if he is homeless.

You can also log it with 101 if you think he will turn nasty, so that if you call the police, they will take action quicker.

But if a couple have agreed one will stay at home while the other works then that’s a completely different scenario to someone moving in and laughing in their partners face when asked to help with bills.

He’s certainly shown you his true colours.

Awful awful man.

You need him out pronto before your ex decides to pay you less maintenance.

What possessed you to allow a man with a real temper on him to move into your home ?!

The op is not the home owner. It’s her exdh who is paying the mortgage and bills and maintenance to a level of comfort. I don’t know what percentage the op owns of the house. It’s risky because the arrangement can change because of the partner moving in.
If a woman moved into the house of her partner and the partners ex was paying for everything it would get the same response. Freeloader.

OP, what a nightmare. I agree with the thoughts to pack his stuff up, when his DC is not there, and he is out. Then change locks and let him know.

What an awful situation for you.

But yes - agree with others as soon as he leaves today get a locksmith out and pack up and bag his stuff.

If he kicks off when he gets back call the police.