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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He doesn’t think he should contribute to the household

1000 replies

Onceuponacookie · 18/07/2024 20:24

My boyfriend and his young child (once a week in term time and more in the holidays) have moved in with me and my two teenage children. Before he moved in, he said he would contribute towards the bills once he moved.

He hasn’t yet volunteered anything and it’s been a 6 weeks. He has bought a little bit of food for himself, but that’s it.

It’s an unusual situation in that we live in my old marital home and my ex husband pays the mortgage as part of our agreement until the children are 18. Obviously the bills and food and everything that goes with running a house are all still mine to pay. I work full time around the children but I also receive child maintenance that is generous and overall we have a comfortable life.

I asked BF what he wanted to do about the bills situation last night as he is now settled in. He laughed and said he wasn’t going to pay for me and my children as their dad pays maintenance for them and the mortgage. He then said he doesn’t really add to my bills anyway. He uses a little hot water and the appliances etc. he feel he should just contribute to some food for him as he doesn’t often eat with us.

Obviously since he has moved in he doesn’t have any rent or bills or household expenses or insurances that he previously had when he lived in his own place. He’s saving a fortune and my expenses have increased.

It feels to me like he has moved in for a free ride and to save some cash really!!

He doesn’t help around the house at all and he used to take me out maybe once every one or two weeks but that hasn’t happened since he moved in. He’s quite critical of any mess the children or I make and expects a very clean house but doesn’t do anything to contribute.

He says if we had moved in with him to his house he wouldn’t have expected me to pay for anything!

He talks about the future of when my kids are 18 and we move on from our home that we will split the bills 50/50 then.

Am I being unreasonably to expect him to contribute to where he lives and to our blended family despite my unusual situation?

OP posts:
Itsjustmeheretoday · 19/07/2024 05:34

He saw you coming OP. Can't believe you need a second opinion that this is not ok! Dump this user and set a good example for your kids!

Singersong · 19/07/2024 05:42

Wow so he's lazy, a liar, manipulative, aggressive and more. All that for free?

YellowAsteroid · 19/07/2024 06:05

He needs to move back out again. No questions about that.

KimberlinaPraiMai · 19/07/2024 06:05

I have voted YANBU. However, YABU to have imposed this asshole on to your own children's home and lives.

Zebedee2024 · 19/07/2024 06:06

Get rid! Hes using you!

bozzabollix · 19/07/2024 06:09

And he expects you to clean up to his standards too? In your house that you pay for?

This wins the internet doesn’t it?

Kick the twat out. Do it today.

Oodiks · 19/07/2024 06:09

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 19/07/2024 02:47

Did you have some trouble reading the OP? It's right there in the second sentence.

No, “he said he would contribute towards the bills once he moved”, is not a discussion.

Are you hard of thinking?

HarrytheHobbit · 19/07/2024 06:11

Make sure your DB and BIL are there when you chuck him out.

ByCupidStunt · 19/07/2024 06:13

OP, you've very likely been targetted by this man and that this was his plan all along.

Just tell him that it's not working for you and you want to go back to just dating and ask him to leave.

I will never understand the obsession that mumsnetters have about living with men. Especially since British men especially, have form for doing nothing once them get their feet under the table.

It's quite easy to change your situation, just ask him to leave.

tara66 · 19/07/2024 06:13

It's not just the money though is it? Presume he is not penniless? It's that he had deceived you in plain sight. He's been wolf in sheep's clothing and blatantly so.

Singersong · 19/07/2024 06:14

Oodiks · 19/07/2024 06:09

No, “he said he would contribute towards the bills once he moved”, is not a discussion.

Are you hard of thinking?

I agree. Sounds like he's said "oh yes love, I'll contribute" and that was the extent of it.

I mean, 6 weeks to "settle in" is that a joke? Or do mortgages and bills allow settling in periods now where you don't have to pay?

There should have been an agreement to pay X amount or that OP would pay bills A,B,C and he would pay bills X,Y,Z. And that should have started immediately upon his moving in.

LAMPS1 · 19/07/2024 06:15

He expects you to compromise your comfortable lifestyle, paid for in part by your Ex, to accommodate him in the way to which he is accustomed and fully entitled.
Massive ego on him isn’t there.

And then he has the audacity to sulk and stop speaking whilst still taking your goodwill and that of your ex for granted as if he has full legal and moral and rights to your home.

And on top of that, he ‘expects a clean house.’ He’s really soaking up his new found clean home ownership rights isn’t he. Quite the boss he thinks he is.

What a joker!
I’d get rid today OP, before your Ex finds out what sort of low-life he is
part-paying a mortgage for and maintaining !

You and your brothers should watch his ego deflate as you laugh and wave his sorry ass right out of the door and right down the street, out of sight forever.

You took a risk and it turned out to be a massive mistake. It’s scary trying to rectify it. But you will be so happy to enjoy the peace and sanctuary of your own home with your DC as soon as he’s gone for good.

Morningcrows · 19/07/2024 06:21

What an absolute cocklodger. Please do not wait ti ask him to leave. Do it asap. He has been lying to you all this time. He saw a free meal ticket and took it. Good luck, uou deserve so much better.

TeachesOfPeaches · 19/07/2024 06:27

Just change the locks OP

TeachesOfPeaches · 19/07/2024 06:28

Also never share so much detail about your finances with a new boyfriend.

notacooldad · 19/07/2024 06:37

What a low life parasite!

swayingpalmtree · 19/07/2024 06:42

Are you insane? He's totally taking advantage of you. I wouldnt dream of moving in with someone and not contributing to the bills, it doesnt matter if the mortgage is being paid.

Kick him the fck out.

ClairDeLaLune · 19/07/2024 06:51

Good grief! What have I just read? Why are some women so desperate for a man that they’ll put up with shit like this? Get rid immediately. Especially if he’s got a temper. Your poor kids. Get him gone.

Arewethebadguys · 19/07/2024 06:59

Kn hell my vagina would close himself back up with this! Manipulative twat. He's planned this all along, sorry OP, I don't think he has feelings for you beyond a free ride/meal ticket. Total freeloader. I would ask him to leave and break up with him ASAP. He clearly has no respect for you if you're working FT and he's not contributing financially or even doing a dish. I mean this kindly but I think he saw you coming. Get rid as fast as possible and thank your lucky stars you've no kids together.

Thoughtful2355 · 19/07/2024 06:59

Cocklodger. Why should he get to save money and get all of the pros from this. You get nothing from him living with you. Trust me, this is not a nice guy

Zonder · 19/07/2024 07:04

What an awful man, happy for you to have less money so he has more.

He must know that with his behaviour you're not going to want to keep him around.

I'd get DB / BIL over asap.

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 19/07/2024 07:08

Depending what sort of locks you have you can easily change a barrel lock yourself in minutes. Once you know the measurements of your lock B&Q, wickes etc have a wide range. Videos on YouTube. Save you the expense of a locksmith.

ThePerkyDuck · 19/07/2024 07:12

I don’t want to sound harsh but I can’t believe you are asking this.
Please bin him. He is obviously using you.

Goslingsforlife · 19/07/2024 07:15

hopefully you have him the boot by now! what a horrible man.

AllyCart · 19/07/2024 07:15

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 18/07/2024 21:20

Why the fuck did you move a man with a temper in with your kids?

This! Your poor kids.

Why on earth would you do that?!

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