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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He doesn’t think he should contribute to the household

1000 replies

Onceuponacookie · 18/07/2024 20:24

My boyfriend and his young child (once a week in term time and more in the holidays) have moved in with me and my two teenage children. Before he moved in, he said he would contribute towards the bills once he moved.

He hasn’t yet volunteered anything and it’s been a 6 weeks. He has bought a little bit of food for himself, but that’s it.

It’s an unusual situation in that we live in my old marital home and my ex husband pays the mortgage as part of our agreement until the children are 18. Obviously the bills and food and everything that goes with running a house are all still mine to pay. I work full time around the children but I also receive child maintenance that is generous and overall we have a comfortable life.

I asked BF what he wanted to do about the bills situation last night as he is now settled in. He laughed and said he wasn’t going to pay for me and my children as their dad pays maintenance for them and the mortgage. He then said he doesn’t really add to my bills anyway. He uses a little hot water and the appliances etc. he feel he should just contribute to some food for him as he doesn’t often eat with us.

Obviously since he has moved in he doesn’t have any rent or bills or household expenses or insurances that he previously had when he lived in his own place. He’s saving a fortune and my expenses have increased.

It feels to me like he has moved in for a free ride and to save some cash really!!

He doesn’t help around the house at all and he used to take me out maybe once every one or two weeks but that hasn’t happened since he moved in. He’s quite critical of any mess the children or I make and expects a very clean house but doesn’t do anything to contribute.

He says if we had moved in with him to his house he wouldn’t have expected me to pay for anything!

He talks about the future of when my kids are 18 and we move on from our home that we will split the bills 50/50 then.

Am I being unreasonably to expect him to contribute to where he lives and to our blended family despite my unusual situation?

OP posts:
Grammarnut · 18/07/2024 21:50

Tell him to get out. He's a free-loader. Find someone better.

Mumofoneandone · 18/07/2024 21:50

If you can get him out of the way (or if he's working) pack his stuff up. Leave it out for him.
Get some support in and change the locks.
Possibly make contact with the police about his temper.
Just get rid.....

EG94 · 18/07/2024 21:50

Runnerinthenight · 18/07/2024 21:17

Far, far too generous. I'd send him packing right now.

In fairness in my situation he did pay so I felt a month was fair. He did however pay £500 for car insurance, roof over his head, monthly food shop and half of bills and still claimed I was exploiting him 😂😂 his rent alone is now £665. Some men don’t know where their bread is buttered and don’t appreciate how good they have it.

StarDolphins · 18/07/2024 21:51

Off you fuck, freeloader. I would tell him to leave immediately. There’s nothing but trouble ahead with this guy. 1) he’s nuts to think he doesn’t have to contribute a fair amount & 2) he has no understanding of it. Honestly, How has this even happened? It’s insane.

it doesn’t matter if your ex is giving you a million pound a week, you can’t live somewhere rent free! He’s saving massive amounts.

Your poor children, you’ve not known him anywhere near enough time to have moved him in imo. Then you let him move in before everything was sorted - I.e, you need to contribute £400 & this includes xxx.

Fargo79 · 18/07/2024 21:51

Onceuponacookie · 18/07/2024 21:23

He’s only developed one since moving in! He was just a bit moody before.

The first time he demonstrated his temper in the home where your kids live, he should have been out. That very minute.

I know it's always advised and I'm sure it makes people roll their eyes sometimes, but you would possibly benefit from some therapy to help you unpick the issues that have allowed this situation to occur so that you don't continue a pattern of making similar mistakes in the future. 18 months is a very short time to be moving someone in with your children and attempting to blend families.

You don't owe this man any notice or a big drawn out argument. Just tell him it's not working, you no longer want him living in your home and he needs to leave straight away. Have family or friends on standby in case of conflict or him refusing.

TeaGinandFags · 18/07/2024 21:51

crockofshite · 18/07/2024 20:27

C O C K L O D G E R. !

get him out, sharpish.

This.

He's taking the piss.

coupdetonnerre · 18/07/2024 21:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

LuckyStone · 18/07/2024 21:51

The nerve of this useless piece of shit! Chuck him out! Dont give him notice, just get rid. But yes have your DB or BIL with you for your safety.

bevelino · 18/07/2024 21:52

Knockon · 18/07/2024 20:25

Kick him straight back out again

This

OP, you are in a ridiculous and unreal situation.

Thirtytwoinsidethesunset · 18/07/2024 21:52

Ask him to leave now- council tax is easier enough to change. It takes one phone call.
I don’t think 18 months when there’s children involved is long enough time together especially moving in. I wouldn’t speak to him again so disrespectful towards you and your home and you don’t want your children terrified in their own home if he has a temper on him.

halava · 18/07/2024 21:53

OK, I'd say OP has got the MN eviction gang's message by now.

It will be interesting to see what happens tomorrow since I doubt anything will be done about this situation tonight. But you never know....

The OP knows by now what the consensus here is, and she did ask.....

Then again, we have no idea if OP comes back and says "he's gone!" that he actually is gone. But it's interesting to see the agreement of practically everyone on the thread. I feel sorry for OP having been hoodwinked by "romance" probably, and now being used by a schemer.

We'll see.

lilyathena · 18/07/2024 21:54

Really, don't give him notice. Perhaps even just get your brother round when he's out, pack his stuff and then just let him know he needs to go then and there. Get the locks changed and maybe have DB stay for a day or two.

iloveasausageroll · 18/07/2024 21:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the user.

Haffiana · 18/07/2024 21:55

If I was paying for cock I would at least expect it to look like Richard Gere.

Josie234 · 18/07/2024 21:55

Are you sure the agreement with your exH remains when you have someone else living with you.
The legal arrangement fit my ex to continue to pay towards the family home included that it would stop if anyone moved in.

Don't risk your home.

Another tip, if you tell him to leave and he does not collect his stuff, put it all in bags and leave them next to your bins.
Take a photo & send him it along with the date of the next bin collection.

My ex refused for weeks to take his stuff…this worked remarkably quickly!

sausagepastapot · 18/07/2024 21:55

Get him the fuck out; get people over to support you, and do it asap. This is absolute insane, he's mental, you're not safe, the kids aren't safe- need I go on?

Change the locks immediately, get a ring door bell

Kick him the hell out.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/07/2024 21:56

The reason he's 'livid' and 'raging' with you op is because he's got nothing else.

There isn't a come back is there for why he wouldn't have to contribute?

So all he can do is rant and rave and try to gas light you in to believing, somehow, that you're in the wrong.

I'm sorry he used you.

Don't let him have a day more free out of you than the 6 weeks he's already used you for.

fairymary87 · 18/07/2024 21:57

Kick him out and he can say he's homeless. You'll be fine. It's financial abuse

BippityBopper · 18/07/2024 21:59

Josie234 · 18/07/2024 21:55

Are you sure the agreement with your exH remains when you have someone else living with you.
The legal arrangement fit my ex to continue to pay towards the family home included that it would stop if anyone moved in.

Don't risk your home.

Another tip, if you tell him to leave and he does not collect his stuff, put it all in bags and leave them next to your bins.
Take a photo & send him it along with the date of the next bin collection.

My ex refused for weeks to take his stuff…this worked remarkably quickly!

Very good point here. Does your ex know about this?

DorisDoesDoncaster · 18/07/2024 21:59

Wow - what an entitled knob he is.

Okay so you have no mortgage but you are paying for the following things that he is benefiting from:

gas
elec
water
council tax
buildings and contents insurance (I include the former as it would rehouse you all if a disaster were to occur)
tv licence
sky/virgin
broadband and line rental
all of the ‘cupboard’ essentials in the kitchen
cleaning and laundry goods
medicine cupboard/drawer essentials
all repairs and maintenance to the property
replacement of furniture, utensils, equipment, white goods, carpets,
redecoration

other things you might pay for (but not sure)

cleaners
window cleaner
gardener
Amazon prime / alexa
ring doorbell

it all goes on and adds up (but make sure he doesn’t have a claim on your assets!)

actually, just get rid of this free loader and the other wise ladies have advised :)

BettyBardMacDonald · 18/07/2024 21:59

Haffiana · 18/07/2024 21:55

If I was paying for cock I would at least expect it to look like Richard Gere.

Lol, same here.

OP, get your brother AND BIL to help throw him out. He can go to a Premier Inn while he sorts out his next home.
Do it ASAP.

It sounds like you were talking about cohabitation very early in the relationship. Really think hard about why. It certainly doesn't sound very fair for your kids.

ThinWomansBrain · 18/07/2024 21:59

be really helpful and nice
Bag or box his stuff up, arrange a locksmith for the morning.

Conniebygaslight · 18/07/2024 22:00

Are you actually serious….?

FailBetter · 18/07/2024 22:00

Council tax effected for a start as presumably you had a single discount before.
He is showing his true colours now.
Get him out asap and yes, get your male relatives (and even your ex) round to help.
Do not delay.
If he has a key cut you'll need it back or better change the locks.
What a wanker.

Runsyd · 18/07/2024 22:01

Oh dear, OP, you've got yourself a living, breathing human parasite. Call in pest control asap.

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