My mum is telling people I have munchausen syndrome

[scaredofher]

I’m pretty convinced my mum really hates me. We’ve always had quite a troubled relationship and I’ve never known why. She is so lovely towards my siblings but puts me down and gets into my head so often. Last year it got quite bad as she convinced me to move round the corner from her, as she wanted to ‘offer support’ with my DS, 4, who is severely autistic. We didn’t get this ‘support’, instead she made me heavily depressed. She would comment on my parenting at every opportunity, and make horrible comments about my weight; as I’m very big since giving birth, my PCOS got really out of control.

I had PND after birth and she would constantly tell me I’m letting my son down, that I’m not a good mum, that I’m crazy. She told me not to tell anyone what I was experiencing because they’ll ’take DS away from me’ and I got scared so suffered for over a year until I finally got brave enough to ask for help. My partner was utterly wonderful with both me and our son during this time, and our son was and is happy and adored.

I don’t know why but ever since I’ve longed for her to just say I’m a good mum, she tells my partner he’s an amazing dad all the time. One time I asked her outright whether she thinks I’m a good mum, and she said ‘if you’re having to ask me that you clearly know you’re not’.

I got very unwell living near her, my ulcerative colitis got out of control in a bad flare so I was in and out of hospital for a while. She didnt visit me once and told everyone I was looking for attention, if my partner told her I had been admitted she would roll her eyes. There was one time I was in for a week on a drip and steroids and just didn’t tell her because I didn’t want her to be angry with me.

Things got bad in the summer when I finally stood up to her. I got screamed at by my step dad and her. They said I’m fat, lazy, a neglectful mum, that they would take my son away from me, that they’ve been watching me and talking about me with other people who also thought I was a bad mum and ‘making notes’, and then they started talking about being in hospital. They stood there and laughed, full on laughing out loud saying I need to be locked up and kept away from people because I ‘clearly have munchausen syndrome’.

I went low contact and moved a few weeks later and they made my life hell throughout it. For some stupid reason I still allowed her to see DS because he loves her. (And she often will say how he loves her more than me or is better behaved with her etc).

Unfortunately I have had a really bad spell with my health over the last couple of months with 3 hospital admissions due to a severe flare up of ulcerative colitis, undiagnosed diabetes & unfortunately I’ve been admitted today after my GP sent me to A&E because I have a bad bacterial infection that hasn’t responded to antibiotics, my blood pressure high, heart rate 120 etc.

I’m currently lying here alone on IV antibiotics & fluids. I’m always alone because we have no childcare and it is what it is. Because things have been bad this last week, my partner messaged my mum to see if she could look after DS for the evening - we have no other childcare and my DS loves her (much more than me she says).

She said no and said I clearly have munchausen syndrome & that it’s ‘concerning’ and that if it was that bad I would have been admitted sooner (?)

My partner sent a message back saying how sad it is that you can’t even ask if she’s ok and she accused me of sending the message (again ?) and since I’ve had multiple calls from my step dad which I’m not answering because I know he is going to scream down the phone at me.

I do have a complex medical history and have had multiple surgeries and unfortunately do flare quite often and my diabetes isn’t yet managed. There have been times where she has demanded I discharge myself even against medical advice.

I just don’t get it and I’m scared that she’s going to try to get me sectioned which she’s threatened before.

I might be unwell but I am mentally healthy, have a weekly therapist who I mainly end up speaking about my mum to, and am happy with my partner etc. I cry any time I’m away from my son and I often avoid going to get any help until it gets bad because I don’t want people to believe my mum and she’s getting in my head to the point I am starting to think I’m crazy.

The odd thing is she went to A&E the other day for kidney stones, had bloods taken and snapped a pic of her cannula posting it on Facebook, and wrote how she was ‘under the care of the hospital’ despite being discharged and being told she was fine. She even made a post on her business page saying ‘Get well soon’ to herself and that she would be OOO whilst under the care of the hospital. I’m not one to post on socials about my health, especially not with my mum on there.

Sorry, this is a long message but I’m lying here wanting to cry and just wishing she would at least ask if I’m okay. But that’s never going to happen.

She is amazing to my sisters and my brother, who are slowly also turning against me (nobody even said happy birthday to me last week).

I just don’t know what to do and I’m sorry for the long post.

Your post comes across as so sad and confused, probably because you have been putting up with this malice for so long. Your mother is cruel, and you would be better off cutting contact with her entirely, not only for you, but for the happiness of your partner, child and your family unit x

Jesus, but they’re evil, evil cunts, but mainly your witch of a mother.

You have got to completely sever any contact with her. Your son will not benefit from having someone that cruel to his mother around.

Sever contact entirely. Your siblings may have to follow suit, sadly.

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with such wickedness, @scaredofher

You poor love she is horrible.

Your mum and step dad are abusing you. Your man has abused you since you were a child, this is never going to change. Like any abusive relationship the only real answer is to LTB. She's disgusting, no one who is worthy of the title mum behaves like that. Im guessing from lack of mention your Dad's not around or passed on so its just mum, step dad and siblings and I know it must be so hard to walk away from family, but nothing is ever going to get better here or change. Sometimes we're better off with no extended family rather than the one we were born with.

Op your mother sounds like my ex husband! Literally couldn't stand me being ill and would treat me awfully when i was! I later learned he was a narcissist and couldn't cope with the fact that all attention wasn't on him if i was ill. He also used to tell me i was a horrible person and a shit mum just like your mother does to you! Please cut her out of your life and keep her away from your son, i promise you that you will be far happier in the future if you do.

There is a kind, goodhearted mum with child's best interests at heart in this mix - she's you.

Although your child may love what he knows of his grandmother, sooner or later her bile will start to infect him. He may take on some of her delusions about you.

Time to make a difficult decision, and tell him in an age appropriate way that sadly his gran won't be coming any more - EG, because she says and does such unkind things that she's hurt everyone's feelings.

Make a list of any way she is able to contact you, phone, Facebook whatever. Then go through block and delete, make sure that she can't ever hurt you again. She's no loss and it would only be a question of time until she starts on your little one. I well remember being desperate for a mother's love, took me years to realise that the mother that I wanted lived only in my imagination and was completely unrelated to the mother that I actually had. Once I managed to cut her right out of my life, I started to feel better

For your own health and safety block her and your stepdad from any contact with you. You are not going to get healthy with constant contact and degradation.

If you need validation, the NHS is in a terrible state, they are not admitting people who are in dire health situations so I have no doubt whatsoever you must be needing serious care and medical attention if you are being taken in. Now on to your mum. Some people need to keep other people small to make themselves big. She is using you and manipulating you because you take supply away from her. Look up the drama triangle, she needs to be the victim and that only leaves you to be the rescuer of her or the aggressor, you are neither, but for her to have attention and be the victim you need to be one of these roles, so if you won't pander to her you are made to be some sort of problem. OP she should care for you, look out for you and love you, you are not wrong in wanting that, she is wrong in not giving you that. You need to work on accepting sadly that your mum is flawed and you will let down, tough and heartbreaking, it's a living grief actually, but at least then you will see that it's not you. You sound like a lovely mum who has faced a huge amount of real and valid difficulties, you must be resilient and you are loved by your DP and your child, and you deserve that because of how you've battled and kept going despite your mother trying to belittle and sabotage you when she should be doing the opposite. Be strong and be proud of yourself about what you have built despite her best efforts to ruin it, protect what you are and what you have and DO NOT let her take that away from you. Stay strong and consider the grey rock method, give her nothing to use as ammunition, you've got a lovely family life to be had and you can all support each other through the various things going on, your mum is a red herring here, cut her out of the loop and you'll be left with a loving environment where I honestly think you will thrive in genuine love and support

Oh OP, it's not you, it's her. Don't know if anyone has mentioned the Stately Homes threads (for people with toxic family members) but you would find a wealth of support and understanding there. Think this is the most recent one if you want to have a look, wishing you a speedy recovery https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5032064-march-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

Of course you’re ill enough to be in hospital - hospitals are full to bursting, they would only admit you if you needed to be there. They soon discharge those who don’t need to be admitted (like your mother).

Thinks she’ll get custody of your child but won’t babysit them for one evening when their mum is in hospital. Grandma of the year award in the post.

I have UC too and that’s enough without anything else so you’re doing brilliantly to manage as well as you do. I think if you cut out this major cause of stress from your life, you may flare less often.

i wonder which of your siblings will become her victim when she can’t get at you any more.

There are too many serious reasons to cut her off that you can't afford not to. She's having a serious impact on your mental and physical health. Her relationship with your son is a weapon in her narcissistic armoury too. She's turning your siblings against you and it's only a matter of time before she tries to turn him against you too. This woman is dangerous. You will never know peace while she's around. If you won't do it for yourself, then for the sake of your family, you need to keep as far away from her as you can.

What a nasty bitch your mother is. A really really vile woman.

Can you move far away and go no contact.

She should not be near your son either as she will be poisoning his mind against you.

I wish you better asap and hope you have the strength to cut this toxic horror out of your life permanently.

She's using you as a scapegoat. I suspect, she's actually very jealous of you, hence she's trying to bring you down and now is lying about being in the hospital herself.

I would cut her off. She and her husband sound like nasty lunatics.

What an nasty old bitch they don't keep you in a hospital if there is nothing wrong with you please cut her off she is not ever going to be the mum you so deserve 💐take good care of yourself x

Your mum sounds really really strange. I think you need to stop contact for a while to gain that perspective

I hope you feel better soon - UC is tough. Are you close to your siblings?

Being accused of having munchausens is actually really upsetting. Think about what the person is actually accusing you of, it's very loaded. The accusation cuts you to the core and does irreparable damage. Those that accuse I would question their motives, personality and morals.

Oh love. It really isn’t you. And she most likely won’t change or ever be able to give you what you’re looking for because she is determined she is right and you’re wrong. She would have to change her narrative not only to others but to herself if she was to acknowledge just how physically ill you are. This wouldn’t work I suspect because she needs that sympathy from other people about what a tough life she has, with you faking being ill.
NC is hard. And I know that from past experience. It’s a tough road to travel on, with lots of self-questioning along the way. Get the support you need from your therapist, you can do this.
Stay strong.

and as a ps to this post. Imagine in 20 years, your son is very unwell in hospital. Where are you? Are you going to be offering him support or are you going to be gossiping to the neighbours claiming he’s making it all up? And him questioning whether he really is ill? I suspect not.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, how awful. Please talk to your therapist and work on distancing yourself and family permanently.

Your mother is already impacting your mental health in a really severe way if you think for a minute that you are in hospital for no reason. It is not a hotel, they are stretched beyond capacity. The level of your self doubt is worrying.

I am sorry op, but you need to stop talking to her and protect your son.

She is ruining your life.
She is openly ruining your life and you need to stay away from her.

Your son is young enough to adjust easily - just say life is busy at the moment and fade her out of your lives. You are being abused day in and day out, and need professional help and therapy.

Not all mothers are kind and loving, no matter how much you wish she was, she is always going to harm you. You have a chance now to save your son, and I suggest you take it. Or you might lose everything.

Speak to your dh, tell him you need his support to put a stop to this. Make a plan together on how you manage her, manage and stop the contact, how you will manage your son and the messaging to him, and finally how you navigate future family events (choose not to go) and family occasions like Christmas etc. You can sit down and really think through how this will work for your family so you are no longer abused in plain sight by this awful woman.

Get married to your oartner so that your "mother" is no longer your next of kin, so thar threats to section you are invalid. (Not that they would ever happen but for your peace of mind)

You need to stop all contact, don't even allow your son contact with her.

She sounds jealous that your getting attention for being poorly especially with her hostipal social media stunt.

cut them off/go lowest contact/grey rock. Your health may improve from less stress

What a terrible situation OP. She sounds truly awful and no one, no one deserves a mum like that. Have you read The Body Keeps The Score? Your health issues and situation made me think of it. If you can find a way to have her help you with DS that doesn't involve her hurting you then maybe do that, but she sounds awful, really horrible so do not inflict her on yourself. So sorry you've had to deal with a mum like that your entire life- it does not reflect how loveable or good or worthy you are. Please remember that.

You are the black sheep of the family, I was too, it doesn’t matter what you do she’s not going to be nice to you. Move away!