My mum is telling people I have munchausen syndrome

[scaredofher]

I’m pretty convinced my mum really hates me. We’ve always had quite a troubled relationship and I’ve never known why. She is so lovely towards my siblings but puts me down and gets into my head so often. Last year it got quite bad as she convinced me to move round the corner from her, as she wanted to ‘offer support’ with my DS, 4, who is severely autistic. We didn’t get this ‘support’, instead she made me heavily depressed. She would comment on my parenting at every opportunity, and make horrible comments about my weight; as I’m very big since giving birth, my PCOS got really out of control.

I had PND after birth and she would constantly tell me I’m letting my son down, that I’m not a good mum, that I’m crazy. She told me not to tell anyone what I was experiencing because they’ll ’take DS away from me’ and I got scared so suffered for over a year until I finally got brave enough to ask for help. My partner was utterly wonderful with both me and our son during this time, and our son was and is happy and adored.

I don’t know why but ever since I’ve longed for her to just say I’m a good mum, she tells my partner he’s an amazing dad all the time. One time I asked her outright whether she thinks I’m a good mum, and she said ‘if you’re having to ask me that you clearly know you’re not’.

I got very unwell living near her, my ulcerative colitis got out of control in a bad flare so I was in and out of hospital for a while. She didnt visit me once and told everyone I was looking for attention, if my partner told her I had been admitted she would roll her eyes. There was one time I was in for a week on a drip and steroids and just didn’t tell her because I didn’t want her to be angry with me.

Things got bad in the summer when I finally stood up to her. I got screamed at by my step dad and her. They said I’m fat, lazy, a neglectful mum, that they would take my son away from me, that they’ve been watching me and talking about me with other people who also thought I was a bad mum and ‘making notes’, and then they started talking about being in hospital. They stood there and laughed, full on laughing out loud saying I need to be locked up and kept away from people because I ‘clearly have munchausen syndrome’.

I went low contact and moved a few weeks later and they made my life hell throughout it. For some stupid reason I still allowed her to see DS because he loves her. (And she often will say how he loves her more than me or is better behaved with her etc).

Unfortunately I have had a really bad spell with my health over the last couple of months with 3 hospital admissions due to a severe flare up of ulcerative colitis, undiagnosed diabetes & unfortunately I’ve been admitted today after my GP sent me to A&E because I have a bad bacterial infection that hasn’t responded to antibiotics, my blood pressure high, heart rate 120 etc.

I’m currently lying here alone on IV antibiotics & fluids. I’m always alone because we have no childcare and it is what it is. Because things have been bad this last week, my partner messaged my mum to see if she could look after DS for the evening - we have no other childcare and my DS loves her (much more than me she says).

She said no and said I clearly have munchausen syndrome & that it’s ‘concerning’ and that if it was that bad I would have been admitted sooner (?)

My partner sent a message back saying how sad it is that you can’t even ask if she’s ok and she accused me of sending the message (again ?) and since I’ve had multiple calls from my step dad which I’m not answering because I know he is going to scream down the phone at me.

I do have a complex medical history and have had multiple surgeries and unfortunately do flare quite often and my diabetes isn’t yet managed. There have been times where she has demanded I discharge myself even against medical advice.

I just don’t get it and I’m scared that she’s going to try to get me sectioned which she’s threatened before.

I might be unwell but I am mentally healthy, have a weekly therapist who I mainly end up speaking about my mum to, and am happy with my partner etc. I cry any time I’m away from my son and I often avoid going to get any help until it gets bad because I don’t want people to believe my mum and she’s getting in my head to the point I am starting to think I’m crazy.

The odd thing is she went to A&E the other day for kidney stones, had bloods taken and snapped a pic of her cannula posting it on Facebook, and wrote how she was ‘under the care of the hospital’ despite being discharged and being told she was fine. She even made a post on her business page saying ‘Get well soon’ to herself and that she would be OOO whilst under the care of the hospital. I’m not one to post on socials about my health, especially not with my mum on there.

Sorry, this is a long message but I’m lying here wanting to cry and just wishing she would at least ask if I’m okay. But that’s never going to happen.

She is amazing to my sisters and my brother, who are slowly also turning against me (nobody even said happy birthday to me last week).

I just don’t know what to do and I’m sorry for the long post.

Your mum can not get you sectioned. The most she can do is contact the police or social services to ask for you to be assessed for sectioning. It is very hard to get sectioned. If you were this ill your therapist would be telling you this and would be contacting the health service to get an assessment. If anyone did carry out an assessment they would talk to you, your DH and maybe your therapist.

People are only sectioned if they are a danger to themselves or to others. Simply feeling suicidal is rarely enough. If you stand on top of a motorway bridge or threaten to throw your baby out of a window, you might be sectioned. I do not believe for a minute you feel like this. I am simply saying it so you understand how bad things have to be.

Lots of mothers have depression, anxiety and other mental health problems. Sadly it is not unusual as having a new baby is tough. And you are having therapy so doing what you can to help yourself.

Please look after yourself and think about how you can improve your life. The stress your mum is putting you under will be making your physical health problems worse. Take care.

You are the scapegoat for your family. All the bad and terrible things in your mum’s life are poured into you. I don’t know why people do this, I can only assume it’s a mental illness. You can’t fix her or your stepdad.
You can though fix it for your beautiful little boy and your lovely partner and your amazing self. Your mum is never going to be the mum you want her to be.
Save yourself and your family and get away from them.

There is only one “bad mum” in this situation and it isn’t you OP! I would have nothing to do with her - as much as you are longing for her acceptance and praise it’s not going to happen. Maybe you can work with your therapist on coming to terms with that. I’m sure you’re a great mum. You need people around you who make you feel good and she is not one of them.

If you didn't need to be in hospital they wouldn't keep you there, you'd be sent packing.
Please don't let your mother and step dad back into your life, or to see your son because sooner or later they will poison his life too.
There's a phrase for when parents pick on one child, it's called scapegoating. They are basically blaming you for everything that goes wrong in their lives so they never have to face up to their own failings.
You are so fragile they have done a number on you and you are not strong enough to stand up to them. So you really need to stop all contact. Concentrate on getting well, don't waste your precious energy on them. They won't change because it suits them to have you to pick on. And you are not what they say you are. You are a good mum. Don't let them make you doubt that for even a second.

I think the best thing you can do is go absolutely no contact with your mother, she sounds atrocious. There is no way she can get you sectioned. You need three healthcare professionals to agree to a sectioning (you could be police sectioned ie a 136) but only if you are a danger to yourself and/or others and that has to be in public areas, not your house or a hospital. You can be sectioned from home, but that needs paperwork put in front of a judge and takes ages, as a date has to be booked for mental health professionals to come out with police and an ambulance. She is just trying to scare you. I hope you feel better soon and that we have all helped you to get perspective on a horrible situation.

She can only ask that if she is your nearest relative. Which she isn't as you have a partner.

It doesn't have to be quite that dramatic to get sectioned, however your therapist would know and would be refering you to the crisis team.

My "D"M is fairly horrible but even so I found it hard reading just how awful your "D"M is to you.

One thing I realised though with my M was just what a shocking parent she was. Every time she criticises try to remember just what an awful job she has done and still is doing in loving and supporting you.

I say this with kindest, you're never going to get the love or validation you deserve from her.

Please do block them, even if it's only temporarily, and talk to your Therapist about going no or low contact.

Whilst you're in Hospital try and write down how you see your life and where you can get support from to get there.

Is there a local Diabetes Support Group that you could contact? How can your PCOS be better managed?

Why don’t you cut her off, she clearly doesn’t like you and never has. You don’t need that in your life. Don’t try and get her to love you as she sadly doesn’t and shows it. And as someone that has ulcerative colitis the minute someone tried to say I was lying about it would be shown the door.

I'm pretty sure she can't get you sectioned. Only your next of kin can and your next of kin is your husband.
I'm not going to mince words; your mother has been gaslighting you. She is an abusive monster. The only viable solution is to go no contact. There is no point torturing yourself over why she is like this. Abusers are who they are and they never change.
I'm so sorry she is so awful. It is, absolutely and unequivocally, not you that is the problem. It's completely her.

Would you ever treat your son the way she treats you? No, of course you wouldn’t, because you’re a good mum & she’s a nasty bully.

And if the hospital has admitted you then you are obviously ill. I agree with others that having her in your life is causing stress & probably making your medical conditions worse.

You owe it to yourself, your partner & most of all your son to get this monster out of your life. Your son should not be having a relationship with someone that toxic. She will use him to hurt you, either by turning him against you or by treating him how she treats you.

As a previous poster said, concentrate on getting well & then talk to your therapist about what going no contact would look like. 💐🍇

I'm so sorry. You have multiple physical illnesses, but your mother must be mentally ill.

Desperately wanting her to be the woman and the mother she cannot and will never be is destroying you.

She and her husband were attracted as birds of a feather. Reinforcing and egging each other on.

And you were the scapegoat of the family. This article about scapegoated children of narcissistic parents is quite illuminating: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202202/8-types-of-children-scapegoated-in-narcissistic-families

I can only echo what others say, that your safest, healthiest option is to cut contact.

I think it’s time to go no contact. You don’t need to feel bad in any way about it, nor do you have to justify your health concerns to anyone. It sounds like you need to focus on yourself and your well-being. Your partner sounds wonderful and supportive. Concentrate on building a life for yourself and your family. At this point I wouldn’t even take your child to visit her, her toxic personality can do him no good x

There is nothing you can say or do that will make her love you the way you need to be loved - she is incapable

but you have the chance to break the chain - your house can be full of love and support and respect and laughter. You can create the love.

i am glad you have a therapist - they will be invaluable to help you process and accept this reality

wishing you good health

The only choice you have is to cut her off OP. No dramas or fuss, block the pair of them and if they get in touch, tell them if they don't leave you alone you'll be getting the police involved. Mean it.

And yeah, she can't get you sectioned.

I would put money on it that there is a correlation between your ill health and your mother. I absolutely believe that you are unwell but UC and other illnesses can be exacerbated through stress.

Cut her out of your life, you won't look back.

“I don’t know why but ever since I’ve longed for her to just say I’m a good mum”

She will never tell you this. The moment you stop hoping, expecting or willing her to is the moment that you start to take back some power. You need to Grey Rock. Don’t define your self worth based upon the awful way that she treats you.

I'm so sorry you have had such awful treatment at the hands of your mother. It's the most difficult thing to accept - a mother who should be the one who loves and cares for you the most being a dangerous and damaging person.

You have done nothing wrong. The fault here lies with her. She has, for whatever reason, made you the family scapegoat. Probably because you're a kind and gentle person, she feels she can treat you badly and get away with it.

I really urge you to cut all contact with her. You say that your son loves her but she is a dangerous person for him to be around. She will poison him, manipulate him and undermine you. Please protect your son from her and also protect yourself.

You have a lovely partner who will support you. I would get the support of your therapist and friends too if you can. It's not easy and there may be times when you waver. It's easy to slip back into old patterns of behaviour. They can feel comfortable even when they are destructive, because they are familiar and the 'norm' for you. You are craving the approval of a mother who is incapable of being who you want her to be. You need to acknowledge this.

It's a lot to think about. Concentrate on resting and getting well at the moment. Wishing you a speedy recovery from your current ill health 💐

Not the point of the thread, and I agree with the rest of this comment, but just for the avoidance of doubt, your next of kin also can't 'get you sectioned'.

You don't sound like you have Munchausen Syndrome, but your mum might have Munchausen Syndrome by proxy.

They can if they can establish that you are a danger to yourself or others.

I don't think this is true in the UK.

My heart goes out to you OP. That is so miserable. Honestly, if you were in a hospital near me, I would visit you! I have had a very similar experience with my sister. I have 2 serious long term conditions. She has made my life hell since I was diagnosed with the 2nd, 20 years ago. I genuinely think it is the attention from doctors and others that come with having long term conditions that she is jealous of. She was so angry when I got diagnosed, telling me that I was attention seeking. There is no reasoning with a narcissist. I have cut contact now. Its the only way. Dr Raminani is really helpful on YouTube.

@scaredofher

You need to change your user name straightaway. Don't be scared, ditch the bitch.

She is not good for you. And soon she'll target your DS to get to you.

Protect him, please.

I agree with the pps who have said your mother is a massive narcissist who is scapegoating you.
Shes like a narc I know - I was also gaslit about a serious health condition by her, and just like your mum, she herself was an attention-seeking hypochondriac who often visited A&E and immediately sent home again. It’s projection. They are hypochondriacs so they say you are instead, so everyone is staring at you instead and missing the obvious liar.

She can’t get you sectioned. Your doctors KNOW you are physically unwell, she can’t take that from you. If they checked her medical record they would see she was actually the hypochondriac because her A&E trips for nothing would be there in black and white.

If she becomes verbally abusive phone the police on her. Document everything. Get a camera for your door, screenshot messages. Turn the tables on her. Shine a bright light on her behaviour. She is the unhinged one, not you. But most important of all, go no contact. Cut the toxic out of your life and focus on your health and your family. You can never ever win with a narc and she will never see the error of her ways. She’s a shit mum and she does not deserve you or your child. Your child does not need that toxic witch in his life.

Do you still live near her? I think when you are well enough, if your DH is willing, is to move and have a fresh start. As she sounds vile, and will always get in your head, and make you ill otherwise. She’s a narcissist and a horrible person, to turn your siblings against you. Your son will be all the better for cutting ties with this toxic person.