My mum is telling people I have munchausen syndrome

[scaredofher]

I’m pretty convinced my mum really hates me. We’ve always had quite a troubled relationship and I’ve never known why. She is so lovely towards my siblings but puts me down and gets into my head so often. Last year it got quite bad as she convinced me to move round the corner from her, as she wanted to ‘offer support’ with my DS, 4, who is severely autistic. We didn’t get this ‘support’, instead she made me heavily depressed. She would comment on my parenting at every opportunity, and make horrible comments about my weight; as I’m very big since giving birth, my PCOS got really out of control.

I had PND after birth and she would constantly tell me I’m letting my son down, that I’m not a good mum, that I’m crazy. She told me not to tell anyone what I was experiencing because they’ll ’take DS away from me’ and I got scared so suffered for over a year until I finally got brave enough to ask for help. My partner was utterly wonderful with both me and our son during this time, and our son was and is happy and adored.

I don’t know why but ever since I’ve longed for her to just say I’m a good mum, she tells my partner he’s an amazing dad all the time. One time I asked her outright whether she thinks I’m a good mum, and she said ‘if you’re having to ask me that you clearly know you’re not’.

I got very unwell living near her, my ulcerative colitis got out of control in a bad flare so I was in and out of hospital for a while. She didnt visit me once and told everyone I was looking for attention, if my partner told her I had been admitted she would roll her eyes. There was one time I was in for a week on a drip and steroids and just didn’t tell her because I didn’t want her to be angry with me.

Things got bad in the summer when I finally stood up to her. I got screamed at by my step dad and her. They said I’m fat, lazy, a neglectful mum, that they would take my son away from me, that they’ve been watching me and talking about me with other people who also thought I was a bad mum and ‘making notes’, and then they started talking about being in hospital. They stood there and laughed, full on laughing out loud saying I need to be locked up and kept away from people because I ‘clearly have munchausen syndrome’.

I went low contact and moved a few weeks later and they made my life hell throughout it. For some stupid reason I still allowed her to see DS because he loves her. (And she often will say how he loves her more than me or is better behaved with her etc).

Unfortunately I have had a really bad spell with my health over the last couple of months with 3 hospital admissions due to a severe flare up of ulcerative colitis, undiagnosed diabetes & unfortunately I’ve been admitted today after my GP sent me to A&E because I have a bad bacterial infection that hasn’t responded to antibiotics, my blood pressure high, heart rate 120 etc.

I’m currently lying here alone on IV antibiotics & fluids. I’m always alone because we have no childcare and it is what it is. Because things have been bad this last week, my partner messaged my mum to see if she could look after DS for the evening - we have no other childcare and my DS loves her (much more than me she says).

She said no and said I clearly have munchausen syndrome & that it’s ‘concerning’ and that if it was that bad I would have been admitted sooner (?)

My partner sent a message back saying how sad it is that you can’t even ask if she’s ok and she accused me of sending the message (again ?) and since I’ve had multiple calls from my step dad which I’m not answering because I know he is going to scream down the phone at me.

I do have a complex medical history and have had multiple surgeries and unfortunately do flare quite often and my diabetes isn’t yet managed. There have been times where she has demanded I discharge myself even against medical advice.

I just don’t get it and I’m scared that she’s going to try to get me sectioned which she’s threatened before.

I might be unwell but I am mentally healthy, have a weekly therapist who I mainly end up speaking about my mum to, and am happy with my partner etc. I cry any time I’m away from my son and I often avoid going to get any help until it gets bad because I don’t want people to believe my mum and she’s getting in my head to the point I am starting to think I’m crazy.

The odd thing is she went to A&E the other day for kidney stones, had bloods taken and snapped a pic of her cannula posting it on Facebook, and wrote how she was ‘under the care of the hospital’ despite being discharged and being told she was fine. She even made a post on her business page saying ‘Get well soon’ to herself and that she would be OOO whilst under the care of the hospital. I’m not one to post on socials about my health, especially not with my mum on there.

Sorry, this is a long message but I’m lying here wanting to cry and just wishing she would at least ask if I’m okay. But that’s never going to happen.

She is amazing to my sisters and my brother, who are slowly also turning against me (nobody even said happy birthday to me last week).

I just don’t know what to do and I’m sorry for the long post.

Thank you everyone. She is amazing to everyone else and is friends with every person in her town. When I lived near her everyone would say how lucky I was to have a mum like her and I would just nod and smile.

Last Summer was awful and I reached out to my aunt who I have always had a bond with. I told her what was happening and asked that she please keep it secret because I just needed to talk to someone and felt I could confide in her. She told my mum and she laughed and said I see you’re trying to turn my family against me but they already know what you’re like and how you twist things so I wouldn’t bother. I haven’t spoken to my aunt since because it really hurt me.

The only thing I did do that I am grateful for now, is write a long email to myself (Summer 23) dating or writing everything she was doing and has done, it’s sitting in my inbox.

@scaredofher The fact your Aunt betrayed you like that is awful, it also shows you she isn’t as nice as you thought. The thing is when you scratch below the surface of a family like yours, and really analyse the people who go along with your toxic mum and who support her, you will see the rotten in them too. One bad apple does rot the whole lot. You need to stay away from them all if you can, otherwise you will never be free. Right now, they are having an effect on both your mental and physical health, and you deserve better than that.

Your Mother is insecure and she's projecting that onto you. She's the crap Mother, but she's so narcissistic and gaslighting that the only way she can be happy is if she makes you miserable.

Stop looking to her for validation. Look to yourself for your own validation. You don't need hers. Listen to your partner and child.

I would get an injunction out on her. Refer yourself to adult welfare services for advice on cutting her off completely.

The infection not clearing will be down to the Diabetes. I am also diabetic and this is how I ended up - An infection which wouldn't clear. Only until my sugars lowered - Water, little walks, and medication for diabetes, eating in moderation. Wegovy also really helps so you could ask about that!

You don't need her, OP. Block her. Cut her off. Restraining order. She's a bully and doesn't deserve to be called Mum.

OP: Are your mum, aunts, poorly educated, early school leavers? Do they understand the ramifications of their actions? Were they raised by emotionally stunted, poorly educated parents themselves? Are they repeating patterns from previous generations?

Are they patriarchal, attention seeking, mysogynists?

Is the whole community, a little like that?

You don't need to answer. Rise above them, don't gossip about them, don't seek help or validation. Consider whether they have limited capacity to understand the repercussions of their actions. Grey rock them, be distant.

Do your other siblings and family members feed into their drama, are they using you for another type of drama?

Grey rock, don't get sucked in.

Op you need to go no contact, and you all need to stop telling her stuff. It’s the only way round this. She’s not going to change and she’s causing uou damage. So go no contact. I know your son loves her, but if he was old enough and able to know, he would be aappalled. Just go nc.

Sometimes you have to understand that your DM has a narrative that will be completely different to yours and most probably very different to reality.

It sounds as though your "D"M's narrative is that you're not coping and you've had to move closer so that you can put on her.

This is very different to actually helping you, even if that's what she offered.

I think learning what your DM tells people and what her narrative is was very helpful for me. It allowed me to quietly correct the odd person who had been misinformed. One hog her narratives is that I never visit which is handy if I ever do have to miss a visit, I don't have to feel as guilty.

Heartbreaking book as is the tale of the OP.

OP you must cut contact. I’d get an injunction on her too if it’s possible? At least do something about making sure she can’t contact you ever. Your DC will be fine not having her and her god awful partner.
i mean, who on Earth would believe a woman like that?? Who the fuck is she talking to about your business??? I’m getting angrier and angrier as I write.

Please lovely, cut contact completely.
Shes abused you and you deserve rid of her

Hi Op, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m glad you’re going NC but don’t be so scared about it. Based on what you said your mother cannot get you sectioned for being ill and trying your best as a mother. A relative of mine with 3 kids was psychotic, carrying knives and still it was so hard to get her sectioned and it was for a month.
if they turn up at your house call the police, she can’t report YOUR son missing. If she really loved him she wouldn’t treat you badly. You have a lovely DP and are blessed with a child despite having PCOS - focus on this.
I have PCOS and find it so hard to lose weight. I have gone NC with My in-laws because the stress made me ill.
good luck

I think your mental health will be better after you cut contact. Your relationship with your partner sounds good. Do you have in-laws who could support you?

You won't be sectioned and your son will not be a missing person and she can't take you to court for visitation as she isn't his parent.

I'm sorry for all your trouble, OP. I hope you're feeling a bit better physically.
You know, your fears that your mother will try to take your son away or try to have you sectioned are not irrational! She has said she will try to do these things, hasn't she? It is not unreasonable to believe her. The fact she won't be able to do these things probably doesn't help you at the moment because the fear you have of her is just too great.

I agree with everyone that you should move and go no contact, no matter how frightened you are. If she doesn't know where you are for a while at least, you won't have to listen to her poison everyday then the fear will start to subside. You'll be stronger and more able to consider how to protect yourself and your son if she does try to mess with you.

They are all blocked and my DP has done too - after receiving a message from my step dad reminding us that they were taking DS for his haircut tomorrow (he goes to one that specialises in autistic children and it’s closer to them than us).

I actually feel so awful and sad that we’ve blocked and ignored them and the thought of my mum thinking she can’t see DS.

It’s feeling really hard and I’m trying with all my will not to unblock and reach out to her.

Sending you good wishes. Stay strong.

Your DM is a terrible parent OP. Your step Dad screaming down the phone at you is also unacceptable. Having these people in your life (apart from the enormous impact on your mental health) will longer teach your own DS that disrespectful behaviour is tolerated. Think about yourself and your DS and your DH. I think you would all be happier if you created some distance.

She doesn't deserve to see your dad, or you. Don't go back on your decision.

Well done for everything you’ve achieved so far.

Your mum has failed you.

If you’re not sure about that, think about how you treat your son. You said you cry when you’re away from him. Can you imagine yourself saying to him any of the stuff your mum says to you? Not every woman makes a good mum and, due to the relationships we’re biologically programmed to have with our mums, the damage that can be caused by them is pretty severe.

Your mum is meant to be your rock. She’s the one person in this world who will always be there for you, no matter how old you are. She’s the first person we know on this planet, the one who teaches us to be the person we become. Some people thrive because of their mums and some people thrive in spite of their mums. I think you’re in the second category.

For whatever reason, you are the scapegoat in your family. Your stepdad is also on Team Mum so neither of them is going to do anything different to what they have done. I would keep your son away from them as they will either start treating him the same way they treat you OR they’ll start saying the awful things about you to him. You’re either on Team Mum or you’re the enemy.

You will feel really conflicted about going NC because you’re a good, normal person. You love your mum in spite of how she is. We’re meant to love our mums because we need to be strongly bonded to them as they keep us safe from the wolves when we’re young. When your mum turns out to be the wolf, you are exposed and vulnerable to attack. She’ll say things to you that transport you right back to being little because your programming has been fried by her behaviour.

You will be able to heal yourself and may be able to have a relationship with her again once you’ve regained the strength to hold your boundaries. For now, take each day on its own. If that’s too much, you do one hour at a time. Practice saying “well done” when you’ve done even simple things. Learn to love yourself and to listen to others when they say nice things about you. If you waver and want to contact her, think about your son and your relationship with him. That’s what being a mum is. Put your energy into him and your DH. It’s the three of you that matter. You will never get your mum’s approval so stop fighting for it. She’s taken enough of your energy. It’s time for you.

Babes, your mum will never change and you will never get the relationship you so crave with her. She is an abuser darling, I’m sorry to be so blunt. I beg you, do not unblock her. She is seriously bad for your health. Do yourself the biggest favour you can and stay away. She doesn’t deserve a relationship with your son!! She will say inappropriate things to him about you.
Please stay away from her darling x

Don’t feel bad for her. She made her choices. Stay strong and don’t unblock her. Maybe you need to write down the reasons for blocking her and when you feel like undoing it, read the list again.

Maybe some counselling would help you deal with your feelings and help you stick with your decision. You obviously did it for good reason and have no reason to think anything has changed.

I remember your previous posts lovely. Sorry you have been so unwell. You are 100% in the right to go no contact and move away and your partner is on board with that.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I can relate to a lot of what you say. I too have a narcissistic mother, I am the scapegoat and my sibling is the golden child. I was also diagnosed with UC. What I can tell you is that once I started therapy, processed my childhood and cut contact with my whole family my UC all but disappeared. My UC was quite severe and now, according to my consultant, I’m in remission and have been for a number of years. What has saved me is escaping from the insanity that is my family of origin. I too have young kids and a very supportive husband, you seem to have the same. Please, invest in yourself, you deserve a life free of toxicity. You hold all the power here but you don’t realise it yet, but with time, therapy, reading and self care you will. Good luck x

Op. I know it may seem like it right now but it could all work out OK in the end. IYou need a break from all the drama. Then after you've had a break with appropriate boundaries redrawn about what you find acceptable they may surprise you and tow the line. It sounds like your Mum is struggling with control issues and once you set your boundaries and stick to them she will hopefully change. Her and your step dad have gotten so used to the status quo they think it's normal which it's not. Your auntie has betrayed your trust bur that doesn't mean that everyone will. Counselling might be a good option for you. As hard as it is, in these situations as the ones you find yourself in your family aren't the people to seek comfort from but it sounds like you have a lovely partner who has got your back and hopefully some empathetic friends.

Well done OP that’s a huge step. How are you today?

OP, well done for blocking them all, but hard as it's going to be, you really do need to stay strong, and not give in to the urge to make contact.

You basically said in your last post that you can't bear the thought of your mum thinking she can’t see your DS, but why would you even think of letting her see YOUR son, when she can't treat YOU with the respect and love that a 'NORMAL' Mother would give? Anyone who hasn't been in a situation like yours, wouldn't even consider allowing someone who treats us like dirt, to see, and spend time with our children. Think about it, if someone you worked with, who you knew to be a child abuser, asked you to let your child go and visit them, would you even consider it??? You would say, are you mad? Do you really think I would allow my child to spend time with YOU?

However, your Mother has brainwashed you into thinking that everything that she says and does is right, even though you're now an adult with a child of your own. So, now is the time to take full responsibility for the well being of your own child, and keep him away from this woman who has abused her daughter so badly, that she doesn't know whether she's coming or going. With the support of your DH, you can do this, but do try if at all possible to get counselling of some sort, as we all know how difficult what you need to do, is going to be, and you need all the support you can get, so do share your story with good friends that you trust and who DON'T know your Mother, what she has put you through, and don't trust ANYONE you see that does know her, as you know that anything that is said will go back to her.

Take care of yourself OP, you CAN do this! Sending supportive hugs your way.

yeh, agree with pp, you've been TRAINED to feel her upset.

So if you assert for yourself you feel bad. But if she oversteps your boundaries, she doesn't feel bad. So whatever happens, you feel bad and she gets what she wants.

Same as my own mother. I never intentionally went nc with her, it was more that I kept trying to be heard. There was something important i needed her to hear and she completely and flatly refused to listen. She spun herself up into victim mode, labelled me aggressive and crazy. So I got nowhere. She's giving me the silent treatment as things stand now.

I feel less pain than i used to. Her silent treatments, wheen i stopped going back to try and make things right again everytime, eventually it stops hurting so much.