My mum is telling people I have munchausen syndrome

[scaredofher]

I’m pretty convinced my mum really hates me. We’ve always had quite a troubled relationship and I’ve never known why. She is so lovely towards my siblings but puts me down and gets into my head so often. Last year it got quite bad as she convinced me to move round the corner from her, as she wanted to ‘offer support’ with my DS, 4, who is severely autistic. We didn’t get this ‘support’, instead she made me heavily depressed. She would comment on my parenting at every opportunity, and make horrible comments about my weight; as I’m very big since giving birth, my PCOS got really out of control.

I had PND after birth and she would constantly tell me I’m letting my son down, that I’m not a good mum, that I’m crazy. She told me not to tell anyone what I was experiencing because they’ll ’take DS away from me’ and I got scared so suffered for over a year until I finally got brave enough to ask for help. My partner was utterly wonderful with both me and our son during this time, and our son was and is happy and adored.

I don’t know why but ever since I’ve longed for her to just say I’m a good mum, she tells my partner he’s an amazing dad all the time. One time I asked her outright whether she thinks I’m a good mum, and she said ‘if you’re having to ask me that you clearly know you’re not’.

I got very unwell living near her, my ulcerative colitis got out of control in a bad flare so I was in and out of hospital for a while. She didnt visit me once and told everyone I was looking for attention, if my partner told her I had been admitted she would roll her eyes. There was one time I was in for a week on a drip and steroids and just didn’t tell her because I didn’t want her to be angry with me.

Things got bad in the summer when I finally stood up to her. I got screamed at by my step dad and her. They said I’m fat, lazy, a neglectful mum, that they would take my son away from me, that they’ve been watching me and talking about me with other people who also thought I was a bad mum and ‘making notes’, and then they started talking about being in hospital. They stood there and laughed, full on laughing out loud saying I need to be locked up and kept away from people because I ‘clearly have munchausen syndrome’.

I went low contact and moved a few weeks later and they made my life hell throughout it. For some stupid reason I still allowed her to see DS because he loves her. (And she often will say how he loves her more than me or is better behaved with her etc).

Unfortunately I have had a really bad spell with my health over the last couple of months with 3 hospital admissions due to a severe flare up of ulcerative colitis, undiagnosed diabetes & unfortunately I’ve been admitted today after my GP sent me to A&E because I have a bad bacterial infection that hasn’t responded to antibiotics, my blood pressure high, heart rate 120 etc.

I’m currently lying here alone on IV antibiotics & fluids. I’m always alone because we have no childcare and it is what it is. Because things have been bad this last week, my partner messaged my mum to see if she could look after DS for the evening - we have no other childcare and my DS loves her (much more than me she says).

She said no and said I clearly have munchausen syndrome & that it’s ‘concerning’ and that if it was that bad I would have been admitted sooner (?)

My partner sent a message back saying how sad it is that you can’t even ask if she’s ok and she accused me of sending the message (again ?) and since I’ve had multiple calls from my step dad which I’m not answering because I know he is going to scream down the phone at me.

I do have a complex medical history and have had multiple surgeries and unfortunately do flare quite often and my diabetes isn’t yet managed. There have been times where she has demanded I discharge myself even against medical advice.

I just don’t get it and I’m scared that she’s going to try to get me sectioned which she’s threatened before.

I might be unwell but I am mentally healthy, have a weekly therapist who I mainly end up speaking about my mum to, and am happy with my partner etc. I cry any time I’m away from my son and I often avoid going to get any help until it gets bad because I don’t want people to believe my mum and she’s getting in my head to the point I am starting to think I’m crazy.

The odd thing is she went to A&E the other day for kidney stones, had bloods taken and snapped a pic of her cannula posting it on Facebook, and wrote how she was ‘under the care of the hospital’ despite being discharged and being told she was fine. She even made a post on her business page saying ‘Get well soon’ to herself and that she would be OOO whilst under the care of the hospital. I’m not one to post on socials about my health, especially not with my mum on there.

Sorry, this is a long message but I’m lying here wanting to cry and just wishing she would at least ask if I’m okay. But that’s never going to happen.

She is amazing to my sisters and my brother, who are slowly also turning against me (nobody even said happy birthday to me last week).

I just don’t know what to do and I’m sorry for the long post.

You must focus on getting well OP. That means keeping yourself and your family as far away from them as you can. Once you have some distance you will start to see things for what they really are. You’re a good mom, you have a good partner who is a good dad and that’s what your DS needs.

You really need to stop hoping she will ever be normal and support you.

She won’t. She is an abuser. You need to remove her from your life and keep your child away from her.

She is not normal and it sounds like you have been conditioned from a young age to put up with this disgusting behaviour from her.

Even just one of the incidents you have described would be enough for me to have no further contact.

Sometimes I think people on this board are quick to jump to No Contact but in this case it needs to be done.

You are ill. Hospital beds are at a premium, would you be constantly admitted if they thought you were lying?For your own health you must cut contact.

You say your son loves her but do you really trust her with him? Are you not worried that she is poisoning his mind with her insults? And if she truly loved him she wouldn't she have looked after him when your DH called her. She is nasty and she is not even reliable.

Cut her and your Stepdad out of your life. It will be one less thing to worry for you. Stop craving praise and acceptance from her - she is incapable of it. Make it her problem, nor yours.

You have a supportive DH and a loving son. Focus on building relationships with people you can trust - extended family members, possibly your DH's or perhaps friends and caring neighbours.

Good luck OP

Jealous? Not so much.
I'm not sure why people use the word jealous so much. She doesn't sound jealous. She sounds unhinged and needing a punchbag. Someone to treat badly

I might be unwell but I am mentally healthy

This stuck out to me. I don't think you are quite there mentally in terms of the years of conditioning you have had from your mother. You keep going back for more, exciting her to change: it's a form of self harm.

You are marred by fear, obligation and guilt. To the point you are questioning yourself and your illnesses.

Is your therapist giving you strategies to work on?

To be honest, you need to go no contact. She's never going to be the mother you need, and I'm sorry for that, but for your own sake, you need to cut all ties.

This is so sad to read. OP you need to start prioritising you and your immediate family and back away from your Mum. Work with your therapist to do this, understand that you deserve so much better, grieve for the Mum you should have - one that should always fight your corner and be cheering you on. Only then will your health start to improve as you will have less stress in your life. Also consider what benefit is she in your DS's life, because the negative effect of belittling you will effect your child. Good luck.

This has got to be one of the saddest posts I have ever read 😢
You need to cut this crazy woman out of your life.
She sounds evil & your step dad is no better. I truly think you'd be better off without her ❤️

Some people say I'm too forgiving and put up with too much. That behaviour though would be it for me, clear emotional abuse and you have been the scapegoat in the family. You may think she loves your DC but even for family members who aren't the scapegoat it is emotionally damaging to be in that toxic set up. He may even end up treating you badly too.
Go no contact. Just cut that side of the family out.

I'm so sorry OP, hope you feel better soon and is back home with your little one and DP.

Please - NC, if possible, move away and don't tell her where. Whatever the reasons for her being like this, she is vile and you dont need her in your life.

The NHS is on it’s knees, they wouldn’t be spending money on your care and keeping you in if it wasn’t necessary!

Your mother doesn’t deserve the title of ‘mother’ in my opinion. Can you imagine treating your own child like that? Knowing they’re in hospital unwell?!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Like a previous poster said, there is no logical explanation for her cruel behaviour. You need to protect yourself and your family above all else. Create a safe bubble for yourselves. Don’t question yourself or your sanity any more. She’s doing that to you. I’ve been there and know how hard it is.

Wishing you all the best in your health and also as you navigate what to do next x

This⬆️.
OP, your Mother sounds like a nasty Narcissist.
Sending you hugs. Go NC with her (easier said than done I know). If you were 'faking it' and were such an awful person as she makes out, your partner would have left you long ago.

She’s a toxic narcissist. There’s no point in trying to make sense of her behavior or trying to get validation or approval from her. It’s very sad that you’re going through this. Put yourself first and cut contact with her. Block her and stepfather on your phone and social media. Enlist the help of your partner in all this. You deserve some peace. All the best to you.

It's not you - it's them. Protect yourself and family.

1. Go no contact with your mum /stepdad and anyone who supports their abuse.
2. Try and find a babysitter - they do exist for kids with special needs, yes it may take longer to find the right person and acclimatise your son - but it will help you with your self care, etc.
3. Make sure you have applied for all the benefit help you can for your DS including a carers allowance. Also if you get an echp then there is a section where you can apply for funding for classes - such as swimming classes adapted for special needs. This may also give you respite. Any benefit received could help to pay for some help.
4. You sound like a great Mum, going through a difficult time and deserve better support from your family. Move on and you will grow / heal in a healthy non-toxic environment.
5. Don't try and work out why your family is like this - draw a line in the sand and move forward.

To admit you actually have these issues she'd have to admit to herself and others that she was a terrible and neglectful parent.

My Mum lived in fear of Social Services taking us away. She was paranoid about taking me to hospital for example. My GP used to do home visits and once strapped up my foot when it was broken rather than sending me for an X-Ray. I genuinely don't know why she felt this way. She was a good Mum... However I have a heart problem she always dismissed as me making it up. She could never bring herself to believe that I might be telling the truth. As I said, she died without me ever truly understanding why.

Sometimes it's easier to say some one is making it up than face up to the fact you've fears and failings within yourself.

Your mum sounds like a right K9.

Get yourself some therapy and go NC.

You will NEVER getvthe valudstion you want from your mum. Her witholding it is how she controls you.

Cut her out and get a life without her. Then your self esteem will certainly improve.

I’d love to see her go and tell all the doctors who have looked after you in hospital that you’re not really physically ill and you’ve fooled them all. They’d be more likely to be concerned about her mental stability than yours.

They said I’m fat, lazy, a neglectful mum, that they would take my son away from me, that they’ve been watching me and talking about me with other people who also thought I was a bad mum

I can guarantee that no one but her is saying you a bad mum. The only bad mother is her. I would call her out on her lies if I thought it would do any good

Block her and her POS husband and keep your family safe away from her.

Get away from your mother and her husband, they are horrible, sorry I know it's your mother but still. Cut all contact, block her on social media, block her phone, I hope you have a ring doorbell so you can see who is there before you open the door. Purchase a notebook, write down every shitty thing she has said and done. And keep your son away from her. No wonder you are ill, she is doing this to you.

just wanted to say you are not a bad mum you sound like a brilliant mum especially with all the stuff you are going through. I don’t have direct experience but one of my friends has an abusive mother and has gone no contact with her for over ten years. She has never been happier. Your mother sounds very abusive.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position, it’s utterly awful in so my any ways.

Your mum sounds exactly like my mum right down to refusing to let utter people care for me when ill or in hospital.

I went NC a few years back and it was the most liberating, freeing, self-care decision I’ve ever made in my life.

I went into regular counselling, which was intense for the first year or so, where we unpicked all the trauma I’d endured from my mother since birth. It was hard and exhausting but it started to change my mindset and I learned how to value myself and set firm boundaries,

Additionally I stopped my Children from seeing her and by doing that I’ve stopped the generational abuse that was being passed down through our family and my children are now reaching adulthood as healthy, happy and confident adults with great boundary-setting skills. Losing my mother was worth that alone.

It’s also going to need you to develop some new relationships outside of your family, with solid, authentic foundations. My closest relationships are non-family yet give me the most joy and satisfaction. It’s taken a lot of work on myself to get to this point but, unfortunately, when you’re the child of an abusive narcissist you reach adulthood missing some key self-preserving behaviours and a limited understanding of the world because of how they’ve conditioned you.

I was not allowed to be my own person, made to feel guilty about doing anything for myself, the butt of every family joke, constantly told I was an idiot or crazy. My husband? My mother couldn’t praise him enough, she put herself in as the wedge.

My life no longer resembles anything like it used to and I’m so happy with my husband, kids and grandkids. I’ve graduated with a degree, run my own business, have lived in other countries, so many opportunities have presented themselves since letting her go. I was ready to turn and embrace the world rather than be an emotional slave to her. I have the odd day where I think I miss her but when I ask myself what I miss I can’t think of anything. 🤷

Focus on getting yourself well again, then source a counsellor who can help you navigate this relationship to a place that is healthy for you, whatever that may look like.

I wish you well.

Get her away from yourself and your child, OP. She may have a good relationship with the child now but she could turn on them in the same way she has on you.

Thank God you're seeing a therapist, as they will back you if your Mum tries to contact SS and make claims about your mental health.

I really think you'll feel better pretty quickly once you've made the decision to cut her out of your life. She has been an enormous strain on your life.

I do wonder what need she fills by bullying one of her children? Who will she move on to when she can't pick on you any more?

Cut her off and dont let her near your child. She will poison him against you, a headcase like her will it her life mission. Look after yourself op and once you've cut her out you'll feel so much better

^ This. No contact is the only way - it’s toxic. And eventually your child will be dragged in - in a way that’s negative or undermines you in a way he realises.

So sorry to hear about the tough time you're going through and about the appalling way your mother (and the rest of your family, by the sound of it) treat you.

As many people have concurred here already, everything you will read about the narcissistic behaviour (of this level), displayed by your mother, will say that - going no contact will be the best thing you can do for your own health (both physical and mental) and the health of your DS & DH.

If you can find the time to read this book:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Youre-Not-Problem-Narcissism-Emotional/dp/1399719238

It might help you to get a better understanding of narcissism and emotional abuse. Out or everything I've read on the subject, I found this book to be the most well-informed, balanced and comprehensive. It's written by two psychotherapists, from the UK and Ireland, who specialise in this subject.

If you're not in the right headspace to read a non-fiction book (or listen to the audiobook, which is narrated by the authors themselves), they also have a podcast (also on YouTube), the success of which led them to write the book. Have a look through the videos on their YouTube channel - here's a fairly apt one for starters:

Ps. I have no affiliation with the authors - I have just benefited from their wisdom enormously and would like others to be able to do the same.

@itsgettingweird It's not 'all I took from it' but everybody else has told OP anything I could say, many, many times...