My mum is telling people I have munchausen syndrome

[scaredofher]

I’m pretty convinced my mum really hates me. We’ve always had quite a troubled relationship and I’ve never known why. She is so lovely towards my siblings but puts me down and gets into my head so often. Last year it got quite bad as she convinced me to move round the corner from her, as she wanted to ‘offer support’ with my DS, 4, who is severely autistic. We didn’t get this ‘support’, instead she made me heavily depressed. She would comment on my parenting at every opportunity, and make horrible comments about my weight; as I’m very big since giving birth, my PCOS got really out of control.

I had PND after birth and she would constantly tell me I’m letting my son down, that I’m not a good mum, that I’m crazy. She told me not to tell anyone what I was experiencing because they’ll ’take DS away from me’ and I got scared so suffered for over a year until I finally got brave enough to ask for help. My partner was utterly wonderful with both me and our son during this time, and our son was and is happy and adored.

I don’t know why but ever since I’ve longed for her to just say I’m a good mum, she tells my partner he’s an amazing dad all the time. One time I asked her outright whether she thinks I’m a good mum, and she said ‘if you’re having to ask me that you clearly know you’re not’.

I got very unwell living near her, my ulcerative colitis got out of control in a bad flare so I was in and out of hospital for a while. She didnt visit me once and told everyone I was looking for attention, if my partner told her I had been admitted she would roll her eyes. There was one time I was in for a week on a drip and steroids and just didn’t tell her because I didn’t want her to be angry with me.

Things got bad in the summer when I finally stood up to her. I got screamed at by my step dad and her. They said I’m fat, lazy, a neglectful mum, that they would take my son away from me, that they’ve been watching me and talking about me with other people who also thought I was a bad mum and ‘making notes’, and then they started talking about being in hospital. They stood there and laughed, full on laughing out loud saying I need to be locked up and kept away from people because I ‘clearly have munchausen syndrome’.

I went low contact and moved a few weeks later and they made my life hell throughout it. For some stupid reason I still allowed her to see DS because he loves her. (And she often will say how he loves her more than me or is better behaved with her etc).

Unfortunately I have had a really bad spell with my health over the last couple of months with 3 hospital admissions due to a severe flare up of ulcerative colitis, undiagnosed diabetes & unfortunately I’ve been admitted today after my GP sent me to A&E because I have a bad bacterial infection that hasn’t responded to antibiotics, my blood pressure high, heart rate 120 etc.

I’m currently lying here alone on IV antibiotics & fluids. I’m always alone because we have no childcare and it is what it is. Because things have been bad this last week, my partner messaged my mum to see if she could look after DS for the evening - we have no other childcare and my DS loves her (much more than me she says).

She said no and said I clearly have munchausen syndrome & that it’s ‘concerning’ and that if it was that bad I would have been admitted sooner (?)

My partner sent a message back saying how sad it is that you can’t even ask if she’s ok and she accused me of sending the message (again ?) and since I’ve had multiple calls from my step dad which I’m not answering because I know he is going to scream down the phone at me.

I do have a complex medical history and have had multiple surgeries and unfortunately do flare quite often and my diabetes isn’t yet managed. There have been times where she has demanded I discharge myself even against medical advice.

I just don’t get it and I’m scared that she’s going to try to get me sectioned which she’s threatened before.

I might be unwell but I am mentally healthy, have a weekly therapist who I mainly end up speaking about my mum to, and am happy with my partner etc. I cry any time I’m away from my son and I often avoid going to get any help until it gets bad because I don’t want people to believe my mum and she’s getting in my head to the point I am starting to think I’m crazy.

The odd thing is she went to A&E the other day for kidney stones, had bloods taken and snapped a pic of her cannula posting it on Facebook, and wrote how she was ‘under the care of the hospital’ despite being discharged and being told she was fine. She even made a post on her business page saying ‘Get well soon’ to herself and that she would be OOO whilst under the care of the hospital. I’m not one to post on socials about my health, especially not with my mum on there.

Sorry, this is a long message but I’m lying here wanting to cry and just wishing she would at least ask if I’m okay. But that’s never going to happen.

She is amazing to my sisters and my brother, who are slowly also turning against me (nobody even said happy birthday to me last week).

I just don’t know what to do and I’m sorry for the long post.

There's absolutely nothing anyone can tell you differently other than to cut her off. What will change if you allow her continuously in your life? Move away, your son doesn't need a toxic grandparent just to say he has a grandparents. Maybe explore with your therapist about going NC.

Sorry you have to deal with her op she sounds awful calling you a bad mum clearly she is projecting.
No advice but sending you virtual hugs ❤️

I am sorry OP. It sounds like you deserve better. You can’t fake UC; it’s a horrid condition. As is PCOS. Wishing you a good recovery. X

She sounds like a jealous narcissist. This will sound harsh but it’s the only way - cut her out of your life. She is feeding off you and you need to cut off her supply. I’m sorry you are going through this

Sorry to hear how you are getting treated. Your mum sounds like a bully who enjoys being cruel to you. I have no experience of this myself but have read/heard about that kind of singling out and targeting of one particular child in the family by abusive mothers. You could drive yourself mad and into deep despair trying to understand why she's like this with you, but there won't be a logical answer. It is not your fault. We can't control other people's behaviour but we can control how we react to it. It's great you have a therapist to speak to about this, perhaps you would explore how to get to a point of going no contact. Take care and I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you everyone. I’m just so in my head about what’s right and wrong and constantly questioning myself. I must have asked my partner at least 50 times whether I’m actually ‘unwell enough’ to be in hospital or if he thinks I’m faking it.

I have a similar mum and similar experience OP. The ONLY thing you can do is get her out of yours and your family’s life, like yesterday. People like her only get worse and your mental health will suffer, if it isn’t already.

@scaredofher I didn’t read the whole of your post because I couldn’t bear reading about how vile she is to you. As a PP said: she is feeding off you. She sounds like the mother of the author of “A Boy Called It”. She treated the other children well but was appallingly cruel to him - it’s frankly amazing he survived his childhood. You need to cut her off and get as far away from her as possible. It’s great that your partner has your back.

From a fellow ulcerative colitis sufferer, you need to block her and your step dad, and so does DP. The stress she's causing you will make you so much more ill. You know this.

Just draw a line under it, walk away, and don't look back. She's an arsehole, she's abusive, she's apparently mentally ill, frankly. You can't fix that, and you're never, ever, going to get what you need from her. She will always be sticking a knife in and twisting it as far as she can.

Your DS doesn't not need her. She's already using him as a weapon to hurt you, he will begin to notice that, he shouldn't be exposed to what she does, it's not fair on him.

This turned into a bit of a thing, and I'm sorry, but I think it needs to be said!

You don't get admitted to hospital unless you need to be. Frankly, it sounds like you were heading for sepsis, you need to be there.
I know with UC it's always so fucking awful, and you always feel like shit. I know sometimes you get admitted and you think 'christ, I was 10x worse last week and I got through that' but that's not right, and 'last week' you should have gone to the Dr / called the hospital too - but you didn't because it's same shit different day, and you're used to the interminal shitness of it all. But by God, when you do get in front of a medic who is listening, and worried, and treating you then you need to stay there and have that treatment becaue you've fought for it with every day you've sat on the loo and passed clots and god knows what else every 5 minutes and you need that treatment, for you. And for your son.

She is a horrible bully.

You need to rest and recover. Block her and her vile partner on your phone. Do something nice to take your mind off her - have you got a book you can read or a magazine, or watch something you like?

She can't have you sectioned. She in no way has that power. Of course she gets in your head, she's your mom. But sadly, she will never be the mom you wish she would be. And she literally doesn't have the power to ruin your life like you think she does.

I can see how scared of her you are. But you really don't need to be.

Sending you big hugs @scaredofher i think for your actual health and well-being you need to go no contact - your DS will benefit more from having their lovely mum who isn’t being dragged down than a narcissistic granny who is spitefully in competition with her own daughter over everything. Can you block both stepdad and mum’s numbers while you’re in hospital at least so you can focus on your health?

And then speak to your therapist about planning on how you cut them both out of your lives - focus on you your DP and DS and building your own network of local friends and your health. you deserve so much better - take back control - she will never be the mum you want or deserve or need. Really hope you start feeling better soon.

You must cut all contact with this woman.
You'll feel much better. She's vile.
Mother or not.

She can't 'get you sectioned'. It doesn't work like that.
Apart from the fact there aren't enough MH beds for the people who actually need them....

Oh, and she's out of date
It's called Factitious Disorder now.

You need a mum-ectomy @scaredofher

Hope you feel better soon

This was horrible to read OP…I’m so sorry. Your mother is an abusive, malignant narcissist. She’s got no redeeming features - she’s utterly evil.

For the sake of your health and sanity you need to stay away from her. She’s never going to change and she is never ever going to give you any validation so you have to stop trying. Please do this for your own sake and for the sake of the people who love you. You will never get better with her in your life.

Have a read of Gabor Mate …he talks a lot about how trauma and abuse cause physical illness.

Cut her out of your life now and don't look back. She is a hateful individual and there's only one bad mother in this scenario and it's not you. You have a loving partner and a child, they are your family now, don't allow your mother and her husband to be any part of it. I'm sure you have people around you who can fulfil the grandma role for your little boy. He doesn't need a toxic grandmother, who behaves so horribly to his own mother.

Get well soon. If she genuinely thinks you can fake UC and PCOS, she's really thick as well as being really unpleasant.

Please for your own sake and your child’s sake, cut your mum out of your life. She sounds vile!

Sorry to read this @scaredofher, all of it. I also hope you're feeling better soon.

I've read a massive amount of posts from women who have strained relationships with their mothers on here. My relationship with my own is complex.
There is a pattern I have noticed and the mother seems absolutely fucking hellebent on not letting the daughter get any form of praise or positive attention and yet they themselves are in fact highly attention seeking.
These mothers seem to enjoy creating fractures in their daughters relationships with others, not just siblings and other family but even within their (as in you and your partners or even child's) relationship.
Mothers such as yours and the others posted seem utterly riddled with jealousy and bitterness, especially to just one of their children. Your mum sounds jealous of the attention you need medically and seems to want to that attention in herself.

I'm sure someone else will suggest a personality disorder of kinds, I don't even know what to call it. But its very unfair.

My advice is NC, you, partner and DC.
Just cut off.
It's the best advice to give anyone in an abusive relationship which you clearly are.
However, I suspect at the moment this won't be possible just yet.
Like you would an abusive husband, get ducks in a row, start planning a break.

I wish you every luck to be free of this and I suggest seeking counselling for the inevitable trauma she's caused you, look after yourself pal x

Not much to add to all this good advice, except that I feel for you and wish you well. I think that after a period of time without your mum and stepdad in your life, you will probably feel like a new woman.

She’s a hypochondriac or something like that and she’s jealous that you really are ill because she wants to be the one who’s special and gets all the nursing care and attention. Well, that’s my guess, anyway.

Concentrate on your son and husband. Make friends with other mums and you can babysit for each other.
i lived nowhere near family when my DCs were little - i don’t remember missing them. There was a local babysitting group.
Stop contact with your horrible family.

I really really feel for you. It's horrible being chronically ill. Even worse when people don't believe you or are nasty about it.

You need to go no contact with her. I hope you're feeling better soon.

The stress of this relationship is making you worse. You have to cut them off. It's great you have such a supportive partner.

There’s only one bad mother in this, OP, and it isn’t you.

You’ve had some amazing advice already. I wish you well and I hope you feel better soon.

Hospitals are overrun. You wouldn’t be there if you didn’t need to be. Doctors wouldn’t have you there if they knew you didn’t need to be there.